& so I should be writing each and everyday. It seems a bit of a hassle sometimes, but then, honestly I feel more than a little lost without it. I used to be in a writing class, the last two semesters, in both we had to keep a journal and write in it everyday. I HATED IT! Mostly because, just like a child, I hate doing what I am told. But when I did write, it was such a release. I am most definitely the type of person that sees it as an enormous struggle to express my feelings, to not only others but even myself. In all actuality, I find it scarier to admit things to myself than others, because when I do get the strength to admit something to someone, which is usually a result of not being able to hold it in anymore, so I have to let it out, anyways, later on, if I realize what I just did was a mistake I can convince myself it's okay because what I said wasn't real, I don't REALLY feel that way. How messed up is that?
When I was little I used to want to be like one of those girls in all the movies. The really mysterious ones, with the problems that some charming man would come and fix, after he made you aware you even had a problem, because the girls couldn't admit it to themselves. Breakfast at Tiffany's is a wonderful example, because I admired Holly Golightly. She was beautiful, not only in looks, but in class, in confusion, in courage, in disaster. She was the definition of disaster, which is quite alright, because Paul Varjak was a beautiful man who would save her. I wanted to be Holly. That one girl, that no one could quite figure out, but one that everyone wanted to. The girl that had all the boys chasing after her and whom she chased right back, only she never caught them, because she never had any intention to. & one fine day, a handsome man would move into her apartment building and save her from all the things she never knew she needed saving from. I wanted to be Holly alright. With her parties that lasted hours into morning, people jam packed into a tiny apartment. With her knowledge of the french language and curiosity to try everything with bravery to follow threw. Her endless drinking and lack of cooking skills, sleeping until noon, without a problem in the world. She was and is my admiration.Well I have developed somewhat of her persona. I am lost alright, and I have put up monstrous walls, but I've noticed them before anyone else did. This wasn't part of my plan. So for a while, I thought I'd wait. A handsome man would rescue me sooner or later. I had/have no intention of him being perfect, hell even "Fred Baby" had his issues, what with his writing career slipping away and having to rely on his "decorator" for extra cash, but if he had a face half as gorgeous as George Peppard, I'd settle for a drug dealer! Thing is Mr. Varjak never did come along and I'm not so sure I'm strong enough to break down the wall on my own; but that's alright, I'm slowly climbing over it. That's all that really counts anyway. Things don't work out so magically in real life, oh who am I kidding, they never do! Life sucks. & it's scary and confusing. I guess that's why we all need a place like Tiffany's to rid ourselves of the mean reds.
& I have become Holly Golightly. Only thing is there's no such person. Even Holly Golightly herself was a disguise. You can try and trick yourself, like I have done, that being someone else will make things easier, but it won't. Eventually Doc will find you, or some other hick you're running from, and you're going to have to start over.
I will always love Holly and always admire her,not only for who she wants to be but who she is. Because what's so wrong with Lulamae anyway?
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