happiness

This is a difficult one. 

Often times we associate happiness with receiving what it is we want. That could be anything, our bills to disappear, to win that lottery we've been buying tickets for the past 3 years, to have normal family members...While we think this would make us happy, the truth is it won't. We, as humans, are beings that always want more, nothing is ever enough. In saying this, I am not going to say it's what we have that counts either, of course having a roof over your head and friends that would pay your bail are nice, not all of us have that, and the point I'm trying to make is that EVERYONE can achieve happiness. As a close friend told me, "Happiness is not a destination, but a state of mind". There is nothing truer than this. Think about it, you have no closer friend than yourself. Some may not believe this and argue that they have friends that see the best in them when they can't, if you are lucky enough to have that, good for you! I'm not saying that friendship is fake, I'm merely saying, if you be kind to yourself and keep your best interests at heart, you will be the most loyal friend you could ever have. I realize this is hard to accept for some, it took a while for myself; in honesty I'm still working on it. 

Point is, you have to sit down and take a few moments to realize this: You may be 15 pounds heavier than you would like; you may struggle to achieve a C average no matter how much you study; you may have few friends, if any; but this is it. There is no other chance, you are who you are. You can join Jenny Craig, sign yourself up at sylvan learning center, or pay that kid down the street to watch The Walking Dead with you, doesn't matter. If you are having internal problems with yourself you can't cover them. Sooner or later the Red Paint will drip off, revealing the White Roses and the Queen will be even more agitated than she was before. 

Think of it this way. Imagine someone you cared about deeply, gives you a book as a gift for some occasion or other, and shortly after passes away. You are faced with a dilemma, read the book and eventually wear the pages; or keep it safely on a shelf to forever gather dust. Here's the answer, you must do both. This is the sure way to not insult their memory. This is how you must treat yourself. 

You are the gift. There is no other, you're the one and only. Be careful not to insult yourself or cause harm to yourself, because you can't go to the store and pick out a new one. This being said, you can't allow yourself to go through life being ignorant. Just make sure to teach yourself not punish. 

Another thing about happiness is how others see it. Everyone's always trying to tell you what you want; "I know you think you want that Sandwich, but you're wrong, I had it before and it was gross". It's not that they don't care about your feelings, but in thinking of yours, the reality is, most of them confuse your feelings with their own. I know you don't want to hurt them, you want to do what would make them happy. But STOP. seriously. Take a step back and realize how stupid this is! Not doing what they want, does not mean you don't care or love them, it means you care and love yourself. So you want them to die happy? What about you? Thing is, you're going to live just about as long as they do and your life is just as important, probably more, because it's your own. 

A cold hard fact is, none of us make it out alive, whether you believe in an after life or not, you can't deny this is our only chance at this life. Stop reading to think about this, you could die tomorrow. I know you've read and heard it a million times, but honestly think about it. Go ahead take a few moments.

Scary as shit right? 

Now, go ahead and do all those things you were upset you wouldn't be able to. Want to get married? Find yourself a hottie and don't take no for an answer. Want to see the Louvre Museum? Buy yourself a plane ticket; or if you live in Paris, march your ass down the street. 

Bonne Chance 

much love <3

All Children, Except One, Grow Up.

"Grow Up!"

How many times have people told you this? Your parents, your friends, random people you don't know?
I was always afraid to grow up, something Peter Pan and I had in common. My parents would constantly tell me to get a job, I ignored them because if I did that, in my mind it would mean I was aging. I didn't do a lot of things because it was all a step towards adulthood.
But there's a difference between being Mature and a Snob. It seems so many young people want to be perceived as an adult. So they dress up in clothes they've seen people twice their age wear and talk with an undertone of knowledge, that they actually don't have.
How many times have you come across people who talk down to you, when in reality you're older? What makes them mature?
Having a job to pay for school is mature. Applying for universities your parents say are pointless, is mature. Helping people you don't know is mature. Having self respect is mature. Knowing you only have so much time, so you party every weekend is mature. Sticking up for yourself when the biggest ass hole you've ever met says something derogatory to you is mature.
Maturity is not how people perceive you. Acting like you're better than others and having adults call you "responsible" does not make you mature. It makes you an actor.
Everyone wants to reach for the future. Everyone's making plans for marriage and children. Why is that? Is it because it's what everyone else is doing? Most likely. I myself have heard a million times from family, "do you have a boyfriend yet?" My response is always no, and the look I always receive is..."are you a lesbian?" (NOT that there is ANYTHING wrong with homosexuals). Point is why does it matter? Maybe the question people should ask their children, nieces, nephews, and grandchildren, is "how are you doing?" and "are you happy?" because in the end that is all that matters.
So how does one become mature? Stop trying to do what you think you should, and start doing what you want! Stop trying to grow up and start searching for that second star, having fun, straight on till morning.
Bonne Chance
much love<3

mistakes

I feel like my life is one big disaster. You can say, now that all depends on how you look at things. False. I try to take everything with a positive outlook and still I always tend to fuck everything up.
For example, something bad happened today, not too horrible, but my parents would freak out. I sort ran into the back of someones trunk. While I promised to keep this a secret between myself and a close friend, Jenny, I have some serious conscience issues.

This is probably due to the fact that I have OCD. So I always think i've done something wrong, even if I didn't and feel the need to confess anything and everything :( Now I don't know if bad things continually happen to me because I'm always afraid they will or I just have horrible luck. I think it's a little of both.

It was an accident and no damage was done to either his car or my own. & neither of us were hurt. He said it was fine and just drove away. I asked him if he wanted to call somebody and he said no. I don't think it was because of anything on his part, including lack of insurance or maybe it was his company's truck and he didn't want to deal with all the drama that would be involved in this fiasco.

I should be happy, I was very lucky. I want to tell my mom because it would make me feel a lot better, but yet I don't think I will because according to my parents everything I do is wrong and all I ever do is make mistakes. If I tell them this, it will just be one more thing to hold over my head that I did wrong.

I wish things could be simpler. When I'm a parent, the thing I'm going to work my best at is making sure my children feel they can tell me anything because I won't make them feel badly about themselves. They are going to have more than enough chances in their life time to feel that way. They don't need their parents adding onto their self hatred.

weird attractions

so everyone's got their type. Or maybe you're someone who thinks they don't have a type (but you still probably do). There's those who like the blue eyed boys. Cause we can all admit, those are pretty nice. There's girls who are crazy about the dark hair. People like, someone who's tall, but not too tall, in shape but not looking like a body builder, confident not cocky, smart not a smart ass, funny not immature, sweet, but not mushy, available but not a clinger. 

These are all traits hard to find in a man (mostly because they tend to be a bit contradictory). But these are things a lot of girls on the hunt want.

I myself, I have a huge thing for tall guys, like 6' feet or taller. The taller the better, that is unless the top of the flag pole is closer than the ground, I draw the lines there. I also LOVE green eyes. I don't know, there's something about them. 

Internally it would be nice if they loved to read, and if they could speak a different language and didn't mind killing spiders. 

Here's where it starts to get weird. I am crazy for boys who are left handed. so strange right? When I first realized myself being drawn to this trait, I didn't say anything cause it's just very odd. "Like oh you like boys with good biceps? That's cool, I like lefty's." So strange, so very strange. But i've come to accept that I can't help it. It is simply what I like, and what I like a lot! Seriously, I was talking about this with a few people I like it so much a guy I thought was "just okay" can jump up several points on my list upon finding out he holds that pen with his left hand. I don't completely understand the logic of this but a friend of mine mentioned it could be subconsciously due to the fact that this is a rare thing among humans. So when I become aware that a boy is left handed I think he's a unique catch and I decide I must have him.

I also have a thing for guys whose upper cuspids (the four teeth you have that look like fangs;vampire teeth) are cooked, and are tilting outward. (think Kirsten Dunst, how her teeth come out when she smiles with her mouth shut). The same friend who told me I like lefty's for their rarity, mentioned I could like this because it brings me back to the cave man times and makes me want to attack them like an animal, only I think she was joking. I however am not joking when I say if this was an acceptable act in today's society i'd do it. 

Now if only finding a six foot five man, with amazing biceps, green eyes, a love for reading, lefty with crooked cuspids was as easy as finding some short ugly right handed fat man, I'd be one happy girl. 

But life just isn't fair. I wish you all luck on finding someone with all your weird attractions.

much love<3

we live in a greedy little world

This is not just a line from a Shania Twain song. There is true meaning behind these words. I honestly believe money has a lot to do with happiness. Disagree if you would like, but think about it. If you have no money, a lot of things are taken away from you, in extreme circumstances, that could mean your car or your house. In more common situations it usually means opportunities. Think of all the things you had to miss out on simply because yo couldn't afford it. It's truly depressing when you spend more than 30 seconds thinking about it. Actually it's pretty depressing even thinking about thinking about it. Now if you're one who has the luxury of a fat wallet, things are lot easier. Picture this, you're on the beach with a whole bunch of friends for the summer, you're renting a lovely cottage equipped with a hot tub and bar. You have a boat to go rafting with, enough alcohol to set a 5 year recovering addict back to their worst days and countless hours of free time to do nothing but bask in how lucky you are. You may think it's the liquor that's making you happy, or maybe the fact that you have weeks away from the office, it also quite possibly could be because your friends accompanied you on this trip. All these are true, and they all contribute to the joy of the experience, but without you handing over your pay check, none of this would be possible. So yes, money does buy you happiness, don't let anyone tell you different. -queen latifah ( mad money.) if you've never seen this, go buy it. You won't regret it.

Back to the topic at hand, I think things should go back to when you didn't have to pay for anything. I realize this would create some drama, maybe even a fourth war, but nothing we can't get threw. hahaa. kidding. but seriously. When did a number become the root of all freedom?

The Maze Runner Review

The maze runner 

So I heard about these books from Elle Fowler, Ellesglittergossip on youtube! omg I love her she's darling, not that huge of a fan of her sister tho. ( No hate. She's just not my cup of tea, she seems like a sweet person ) Anyway, Elle's book reviews are so addicting, seeing as I am the biggest fan of reading ever! like seriously! So of course I needed this book, my sista got it for me for my birthday! Oh thanks<3

the maze runner is about a boy (Thomas) who awakens in a elevator of some sort. He has very little memories, that all seem to be very vague, ex. he knows what an ocean is, but can recall no time in which he personally seen one.

When the elevator opens he arrives in a type of field, the four corners being, the makeshift house for everyone to stay in, the gardening center, the animal slaughter and i believe the forest? where the graves are kept. or maybe i'm missing a part? I can't remember. any who they (a hundred or so young boys) are all suffering the same memory loss as Thomas.

There is a giant wall surrounding the whole area that seals itself shut at night? Why? to keep the grievers out. Or to keep them from coming in, depending on how you look at it.

Outside the walls, is a maze that goes on for miles, the chances of solving the maze are slim because the maze changes each day and if you're smart, you'll make your way back inside before night. This is because at the end of each day the doors shut and don't open again until morning. & this means you're stuck in the maze for about eight hours with the grievers; which are half animal half machine that will stop at nothing till you're torn apart. If you're lucky you'll get away with nothing but a sting. Which causes you to go threw the changing which brings up past traumatic memories.

I thought in theory this was an amazing plot line. While I did enjoy the book, I'm now reading the second one, The Scorch Trials, this is definitely intended for younger readers. Not saying that's a bad thing, It was written for a younger audience!

If you're older, I wouldn't say this is a bad choice, just more of a light read.
If you're younger, then I really think you would enjoy it! :) 

Did You Hear?

I wrote this probably five years ago, which is so crazy! 

Ugh man have I missed writing. 

1952.

Rhode Island.

I could hear running from behind me as I raced through the grass. Nikolas was coming up close and if I didn't find somewhere to hide right now, I'd be it. I hate being it. I fell to the ground and army crawled till I reached the rose bush. I pulled my legs up and wrapped my arms around them. To keep from laughing I bit down on my knee.

"Danielle! Oh Danielle...hmm..now WHERE could you be?"

Nikolas was a pain in the ass that's for sure, but he was my only friend so I tolerated him.

"Danielle!? Where are you!? Come on this isn't fair!" he whined.

"Oh shut up you sissy" I exclaimed as I hit him. He was never what you would say, fit boy. More like a flag pole. Because of this an eleven year old girl could easily push him to the ground. As he fell backward into s puddle of mud and grass, I took off running. 

I had just reached the back steps to the house when I heard the scream. My body flashed warm then cold. I couldn't turn my head, I couldn't move. I heard the sound of feet slamming against the damp ground behind me.

"What's wrong?" Nikolas asked

"Did you hear that?" I turned to face him. "From over there?" I pointed to the shed.

Nikolas was easily spooked so telling him this naturally caused him to panic. His eyes widened as he slowly turned his head. 

"Hear....wh...what?" he stammered.

"The scream?"

His fear quickly turned to anger. The pale cream shade of his face, was transformed to a shade that almost perfectly matched his mother's roses.

"I hate you!" He yelled as he stomped up the stairs to the back entrance to his father's summer estate.

I stood at the edge of the stairs a few seconds more, trying to convince myself that what I had heard was the wind. After that I raced after the child with whom would soon inherit the land we had once spent endless hours racing across. To someone reading this, well, I suppose you could call "biography" to some degree, may in fact have an image of me. A blonde, blue eyed girl with a million beautiful dresses. I am not going to deny any of this, though I will say, I never wore any of the dresses that hung in my closet. No, I preferred pants. 

But the point of this is not to explain my clothing or living situation. The point, is the scream.

1958

Rhode Island.

Years past and soon I was seventeen and back in that house, Nikolas and I still friends of course. Nikolas's father had just been informed that his estate was being taken from him. Something about his company going bankrupt. I never paid attention to such things. But the truth was, as sad as it may be, this wasn't the plan. Nikolas never showed any interest in his father's business, but it didn't matter. He was next in line, he would take over. 

He sits across from me on a silk cushioned chair as he stares blankly at the pieces on the board. He was never any good at chess, but especially not under these circumstances, so I let him win. But believe me, it was difficult. It's never easy to pretend to lose when your opponent is losing so miserably.

"I win", he announced matter of factly.

"you win." I agreed.

He got up and looked out to the yard beyond the window. He looked destroyed. Inside and out. I watched as he tapped his finger against the glass. He turned slowly to face me, but his eyes moved to the ground. 

"Who do you think it was?"

I was completely confused.

"Who it was?" I inquired.

"Yes." He looked back out the window as he shuffled his feet across the wood floor. "The girl"

I always knew he was a bit of an odd one, but crazy? no.

"Nikolas, what in the hell are you talking about?"

His piercing blue eyes looked into mine, as if trying to find what I wasn't saying.

"I know you heard." He stated as he walked towards the door. Just before stepping out he looked back to say "You can't pretend you forgot. No one could forget a thing like that."

I was dumbfounded. The scream? So he heard it too?

He continued. "Dad didn't go bankrupt. You think a man like him.." he paused to extend his arms out, displaying the lavish furniture and  floor to ceiling decor. "a man like that. He wouldn't lose it all. A man like that wouldn't lose any of it. No, What he lost was his clients."

"I could feel the blood drain from my face, actually feel as it moved down and settled in my throat, blocking all airways.

"You didn't imagine it. I've always known, and now, so does everyone else."

I watched as he walked out, and through the window I watched him trudge down the steps of the back entrance to his father's home. The one we played in as children, the one he was supposed to have. I watched as he walked away from all he'd ever known. And I watched as he realized it was all a lie.

book reviews

The Stand by Stephen King

I am on page 21. So far there are two separate stories going on. There is a group of men in a small town who have just witnessed a car crash into a gas station. Upon viewing the passengers discovered they were in a sense rotting. The second story revolves around a young couple who just found out they're expecting. So far, and I know I haven't gotten that into it, it is a really good story. The dialog is incredible, it's the kind that makes you feel as if you are witnessing a conversation in real life. That's something else that's great and somewhat terrifying. Since the story lines are so realistic, when it comes time to all the horrific things that are bound to happen (which I know they are, I read up on this book before hand and I mean come on, It's Stephen King) I am going to shit my pants.  

Divergent by Veronica Roth

This is a pretty interesting story so far. It's based in a dystopian future, Where everyone is separated into different fractions based on what they think would make the world a better place and bring peace. When you are 16, I believe it is, you take a required test to see which group you would fit best in. Although this doesn't really matter because you still retain the right to choose for yourself. Thus far the main character, Tris, has decided to leave her family's fraction, one that believes in modesty and kindness, for one that represents strength and bravery. But choosing does not automatically promise you a place there, first you must survive initiation. 

DARK WORLD:into the shadows with the lead investigator of the ghost adventures crew by Zac Bagans and Kelly Crigger 

I am in the third chapter I believe. I think this is meant to be an autobiography of some sort because the book is told as if Zac Bagans is talking directly to you, telling you about his life and his experiences. I have read of the creature that visited him as a child and the ghost that haunted his first apartment. I also learned that his parents are divorced and that he took classes for film making. This is why when he discovered he could put his love of film making and super natural together and make something out of it. So with his friends Nick Groff and Aaron Goodwin they filmed a paranormal experience and entered it int a film competition and won, the rest is history.

Safe Haven Review

Today I finished Nicholas Sparks' Safe Haven. It was an incredibly cute story. Some things I didn't agree with, seeing as I am a very factually person. For example, I did not understand why "Katie" chose to stay in a place only a few states away from where she left. That just doesn't make sense to me. She went on and on about how paranoid she felt, and it's like well no shit, you're so close to your psychotic husband! Seriously! Maybe consider moving to the complete opposite end of the country? Or even Hawaii? My first thought, once I escaped something like that, that is if I were ever put in a situation like that, would be to move to a different COUNTRY, hell even Canada! I mean we know, she's totally freaked by the fact that her husband is a police officer so the law can't help her, but it's like woman, NEWS FLASH, he can't do shit if you leave the country, his authority doesn't matter! But no no, we want a best seller and best sellers are filled with incredibly dim people who put themselves in incredibly stupid situations. Besides that, How could she possibly think taking her neighbors dead daughters identity was a smart thing? For a little while sure, but taking someone's social security number? COME ON! So unintelligent. 

Other than those annoyances, I thought the book was very well written and kept my attention. It was cute how Katie and Alex's relationship grew. I really loved Alex's character, he seemed really genuine and sweet. I liked how the children, Josh and Kristen, were so young that they didn't resent Katie and see her as taking their mothers place. I think if they were slightly older and felt their father was betraying their mother and dishonoring her memory, it would add an extra level to the story and it would be too much to keep up with. 

My favorite part of this novel was Jo's character. She was pushy and demanding and not afraid to say what she wanted to say. I found her a very unique friend. Usually the "friend" is someone who is very bleh, someone who seems familiar in every way because the writer doesn't want to take attention away from the main character. Jo was different. She helped Katie become herself again and let go of fear. Having Jo turn out to be Alex's late wife and deceased mother of Josh and Kristen was bitter sweet. The idea that she became friends with Katie and pushed her to be with Alex because she knew they were meant to be together and knew Katie would be a great mother to her children was incredibly touching and heart breaking. Although finding out that she wasn't there, not really, and that Katie lost her most loyal friend was devastating.  

This is one that will get you thinking, and quite possibly crying.

more than a little annoyed

Truly.
The thing is, why the hell is it so hard for people to be happy? It's just so god damn hard, thing is it isn't. This is coming from someone who has depression. If I can get past that and not drag everyone down with me, when I'm having a bad day why is it so difficult for everyone else? Because people like to complain. They like to whine, they like to cry, they like having people pity them. This goes past the point of being pathetic.
I am so sick and tired of hanging out with people who complain about EVERYTHING who let the stupidest shit instantly put them in a bad mood. Of people who get mad at you so fast, and give you that look, you know the one I'm talking about, where their eyes burn holes in your skin, because what you just did was so horrific it couldn't possibly be forgotten. For those people who think they are so fucking special and/or use any excuse in the book to put themselves in a bad mood. For example, I work with a girl who is around my age, she walked past a friend and I as we were having a conversation and just stopped and gave us both a look of disgust. She then questioned me if we were just talking about her, when I informed her we were not she rolled her eyes and walked away. WHAT!? I then looked to my friend with a face, I'm sure, of utter confusion. My friend then suggested perhaps she was having a bad day. BULL SHIT! we need to stop making excuses for people who have sticks up their ass, we didn't shove it up there. Forgiving people for treating others below them, and carrying themselves levels higher than anyone else, is a main reason why people continue to act this way! We're giving them a free pass to do so!
I know it's scary to tell these people off, because they are clearly psychotic on different levels, but it's time to take control of your life! And YES, telling these crazies that they're being crazy, does have a crucial part in leading yourself to a happier life. The sooner you realize these people with their "I'm god" attitude, are bringing down your mood day after day, the sooner you can tell them off, and continue on with your day! Which if you're being honest with yourself probably started pretty good. Think about it, when you wake, you usually have a positive outlook, and this is gonna be a great day attitude!
 (unless you have a major test, or your boyfriend just broke up with you, in which case, good luck, you'll do great, and even if you fail, you're still awesome! and as for your ex. that does suck, but take a few moments to write down all the things about them you hated but pretended didn't bother you, throw some things and go out get drunk and make out with the hottest stranger you see! Guaranteed to put you in a better mood!) 
But then, you leave your room and your mother starts complaining about how dirty the house is and how you do nothing to help, or you notice 27 texts on your phone from your friend complaining about her boyfriend who's cheating on her, but prom's in a week, so instead of dumping him, she'll deal and just annoy the shit out of you by sharing all the details, or your husband drank the last of the liquor you're going to need to get you threw this mornings meeting.
So you see it's not life that sucks, it's the people that occupy it!
This is good enough reason as any to take regular vacations away from everyone for months on end! or you know...remove all the losers and surround yourself with people that are a constant good time and make you forget everything else, except for the fact that life should be fun!!!
do yourself a favor & STOP BEING BORING PEOPLE!

I love being liked

love being liked. 

I honestly don't know why it matters to me so much but I want everyone to like me. I am in constant fear that people are talking about me, that I am not good enough, that people think I am weird, and that people don't like me. I have an idea how this may have started, I used to be friends with people that would talk about each other when ever they left the room, and I'm not playing the victim. I participated in this as well. I have always had a sort of anxiety over whether my friends actually did like me. Besides that, I was always different, not saying I didn't have friends, I did, but my whole life, I was either the person no one really wanted to be friends with, or if they did we were all "different". Being different and your own person is not a negative thing AT ALL, but I truly believe it added onto the paranoia of being disliked. Because people don't know how to accept people who are not the same. This is especially true when you are young. So yes, I was made fun, constantly, my whole life. At first it hurt, cause I was a child, and was all alone in it, I guess you could say. When I got older it wasn't bad at all, because all my friends were unique as well. When people made fun of us, we found it humorous, because none of them were exactly "beauty queens". I thought I was past the point of caring, turns out I was terribly wrong. I am now so frightened people don't like me.   
When I see people talking and I can't hear what they are saying, I automatically assume they are talking about me. If I'm in a room with someone and they won't talk to me, I think it's because they don't want to associate with me. 
& when it comes to boys, seriously just shoot me in the face, I was just having a conversation with some friends about this. I am the reason it NEVER works out. I go on and on about how NO ONE likes me, but that isn't the truth. They do, or at least they're considering (haha) and I make them change their mind. To guys, I come across as that crazy chick who wants them to tell me they love me immediately and has picked a date for our wedding and already decided on the names of our children. & I understand why they would think that. I am clingy and insecure. I act this way because I just want them to like me. NOT as in "interested" but as in just like me as a person. I need immediate confirmation that they think I'm, in the lamest term I could possibly use, cool. I wish I could turn it off. It is honestly so ridiculous! I am so scared that people are going to push me away, that I end up pushing them away myself by scaring them. 
I just need to accept the fact that not everyone is going to like you. It is impossible. I am trying. Hopefully this isn't a life long struggle. I want to get to the point where I like myself so much I can be in a room with people who absolutely hate me, and not have it bother me. 

why isn't he interested

I seem to ask myself this question a lot.
Recently it involves this kid I work with..I honestly have no idea why I like him, truth is maybe I don't. Maybe I just like the attention? How can one tell the difference? A while ago a close friend had a mini intervention and told me that I don't like people until I'm sure they don't like me, or I become aware that they no longer are interested, or actually never were. This is because I subconsciously feel as if I can't be with anyone, partly because I'm afraid and partly because I feel as if I'm not good enough... This causes me to be interested in people I will NEVER have a chance with. It's quite silly.

She was right tho. This completely and totally one hundred percent describes me. It's like Charlie Brown said, "I think I'm afraid of being happy because whenever I get too happy something bad always happens."

I don't know how I could have possibly turned him off seeing as when we talk, he's the one that never shuts up, so I don't have much room to say anything he could disagree with. Although I do have clingy tendencies. This results from over thinking. Which is something I do way too much of. I try to turn it off because I am aware it can be more than a little scary. If someone even texts me twice without a response I freak out! So why am I the psycho? Seriously if you've watched the movie He's Just Not That Into You I can be somewhat described as the woman who explains that we should not have caller id so that Women can call their boyfriends during 15 minute intervals until they pick up without them knowing, because otherwise they would seem like a crazy person, which she isn't, obviously.

Maybe females wouldn't be this crazy if males weren't such ass holes.
& no I am not saying you are a tool if you do not like the girl, I'm saying you're arrogant when you pretend to like them, and wonder why they get upset when they find out you don't and then you KEEP PRETENDING.

NOTE TO ALL MALES : If you are not interested, don't keep dragging the poor girl along! Now I know, in doing this you are probably just hoping to "get some" but let me tell you something that isn't much of a secret, there are plenty of women out there that would be glade to make your one night stand a reality. Best part? When it is over, they don't want to see you ever again  either! Stop wondering why you always get chased by the crazies when you're the one that tempted them.

I would be more than happy to have a fling with someone, no, NOT because I'd settle for any form of a man, but because I HONESTLY think it seems like fun.

I however DO NOT appreciate having my feelings dragged across the floor, stepped on, and thrown aside, only to be picked up again when they need something. & isn't it funny I wonder why I can't allow myself to be comfortable with how I feel? Well here's my answer; because no one cares how I feel.

Sailing away on a moon river

& so I should be writing each and everyday. It seems a bit of a hassle sometimes, but then, honestly I feel more than a little lost without it. I used to be in a writing class, the last two semesters, in both we had to keep a journal and write in it everyday. I HATED IT! Mostly because, just like a child, I hate doing what I am told. But when I did write, it was such a release. I am most definitely the type of person that sees it as an enormous struggle to express my feelings, to not only others but even myself. In all actuality, I find it scarier to admit things to myself than others, because when I do get the strength to admit something to someone, which is usually a result of not being able to hold it in anymore, so I have to let it out, anyways, later on, if I realize what I just did was a mistake I can convince myself it's okay because what I said wasn't real, I don't REALLY feel that way. How messed up is that? 
When I was little I used to want to be like one of those girls in all the movies. The really mysterious ones, with the problems that some charming man would come and fix, after he made you aware you even had a problem, because the girls couldn't admit it to themselves. Breakfast at Tiffany's is a wonderful example, because I admired Holly Golightly. She was beautiful, not only in looks, but in class, in confusion, in courage, in disaster. She was the definition of disaster, which is quite alright, because Paul Varjak was a beautiful man who would save her. I wanted to be Holly. That one girl, that no one could quite figure out, but one that everyone wanted to. The girl that had all the boys chasing after her and whom she chased right back, only she never caught them, because she never had any intention to. & one fine day, a handsome man would move into her apartment building and save her from all the things she never knew she needed saving from. I wanted to be Holly alright. With her parties that lasted hours into morning, people jam packed into a tiny apartment. With her knowledge of the french language and curiosity to try everything with bravery to follow threw. Her endless drinking and lack of cooking skills, sleeping until noon, without a problem in the world. She was and is my admiration.Well I have developed somewhat of her persona. I am lost alright, and I have put up monstrous walls, but I've noticed them before anyone else did. This wasn't part of my plan. So for a while, I thought I'd wait. A handsome man would rescue me sooner or later. I had/have no intention of him being perfect, hell even "Fred Baby" had his issues, what with his writing career slipping away and having to rely on his "decorator" for extra cash, but if he had a face half as gorgeous as George Peppard, I'd settle for a drug dealer! Thing is Mr. Varjak never did come along and I'm not so sure I'm strong enough to break down the wall on my own; but that's alright, I'm slowly climbing over it. That's all that really counts anyway. Things don't work out so magically in real life, oh who am I kidding, they never do! Life sucks. & it's scary and confusing. I guess that's why we all need a place like Tiffany's  to rid ourselves of the mean reds. 
& I have become Holly Golightly. Only thing is there's no such person. Even Holly Golightly herself was a disguise. You can try and trick yourself, like I have done, that being someone else will make things easier, but it won't. Eventually Doc will find you, or some other hick you're running from, and you're going to have to start over. 
I will always love Holly and always admire her,not only for who she wants to be but who she is. Because what's so wrong with Lulamae anyway?

& yes you are beautiful

taken from my old blog

It's scary to do things, others are afraid to do. For a while I tried to convince myself I could be okay not doing these things. Honestly the idea of getting married, having kids, living in a cottage by the ocean is a beautiful thought, but I know it would never be enough. The reason I think it's so nice, is because it's so EASY. Look around you. If you're like the majority of the world, then everyone around yous life, was easy to come by. Not saying they never had their share of troubles but as a whole, they got what they set out to get. The chances of you falling on your ass are a hell of a lot higher if what you're chasing is farther away.

People like to tell you, "do you know how hard it is to make that a profession?" or "you don't really want to do that". You find your glow fading around these people. You refrain from telling them everything you want, you end up telling them the shitty average version of your plans, because you don't want them to smash your real one. Or maybe you don't tell them any part of it, because this is easier.

Along the way, their constant reminder that your plans are foolish and unrealistic began to stick with you, and over time you find yourself tweaking the plans so they're more attainable, until finally, they become just like everyone else's.

I know you want to go about this in such a way as your heart won't get broken, but hunny, you're slowly breaking your own heart by taking small pieces of light away from you at a time. 

People in the country are used to dark skies and silent air, and there's nothing wrong with that. They just can't see the beauty in the city lights. You are a billboard that refuses to go out at any hour. You are that one star that shines bright against the black night. And because of that, you are beautiful, some just can't see it, because the light blinds them.

But you just keep shining on, and next time someone starts to criticize your life choices, tell them to buy some sunglasses.

<3

TALK IT OUT

Talk it Out

I am sure when most people sit to write a blog, they have a point, whether it be about their life, their friends life, fashion, school, advice. 

taken from my old blog

This is a bit different than that.

I have always known I needed to be a writer, a novelist to be exact. Recently at work, I helped an older women find what she needed and afterward she began talking to me about my future plans, if I was in school, ect.

I told her I planned on being a novelist. Her response? "No, I mean, as a career what do you want to do?" This comment surprisingly didn't bother me, it's sad to say, because I have become accustomed to the world being rude and lacking knowledge, for better sense of the word. Point is, it didn't bother me, and if someone is just as quick to shoot down your dream, it shouldn't bother you either. Because it's YOUR dream not THEIRS. 

I'd like to use this blog as a way to continually practice writing each day so I can improve my skill, to put up stories I have written for feedback and to give advice and comfort of knowing you aren't alone in things that I can.

I hope whomever reads this gets something out of it, if not, that's alright too. 

I wish everyone the best in whatever it is they're searching for and will offer an ear to those who need it.

Bonne Chance 

much love<3

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

taken from my old blog

O.C.D.

This is something I have been going threw severely since senior year. 

Honestly I showed symptoms of what is "commonly" associated with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder my whole life. When I was little I had to turn my light off while staring at my bed and then run directly to it as soon as I turned the switch. If I spun one way, I had to immediately turn the other, or else i'd feel as if I was tilting. Once I became old enough to realize that these behaviors were effecting my daily life, I self diagnosed myself with ocd. I never thought of it as a serious issue since the symptoms began to dramatically decrease as I grew older.

Senior year, I went through something that changed what my life was like up until then. I don't regret it happening at all, but it effected me internally a lot more than I thought possible. 

I actually do not want to go into detail of the symptoms but I will in hopes that this will help someone reading it because it was by far the hardest thing I ever had to deal with in my life and Just thinking of anyone else going through the same things is upsetting and I hope I can help them.

Senior year, I began to have "weird" feelings towards girls. I personally have NOTHING against homosexuals and don't think anything negative of it. I also believe that being "gay" is something you're born into, just perhaps maybe you were not comfortable dealing with it so you pushed it away. So when I began having these feelings, it freaked me out at first because I had never had attractions towards females to this extent in my life! It made me extremely uncomfortable. I was incredibly embarrassed by these feelings and it made me feel very confused. After a while I came to the realization that I love myself no matter what my sexual orientation, or how friends, family or peers reacted to it. 

This is when things became unbearable. As soon as I excepted the fact that I was probably Bisexual, all those feelings went away. I then began to have weird sexual fantasies that are horrendous and  I can't even say. It was such a mental burden that I completely fell apart.

I would sit in my room and cry for hours every day, I would pray constantly, I actually believed I was a sociopath and would spend my days looking up symptoms of this mental disease among others. I reached the point where I thought of committing suicide because I couldn't deal with being inside my own head. 

I was too embarrassed to ask for help, and honestly thought if I did I would end up in a psych ward. I became an empty shell. I would curl up on my floor and let my mind go blank for hours. 

After a while I couldn't feel anything anymore. Everything I did and didn't do was too much for me. I would inflict pain on myself just so I could feel anything. 

Eventually I told someone I needed help and began seeing a therapist, who was incredibly sweet and diagnosed me with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. She explained that there are many different types of OCD, and that mine is part of the more severe groupings which include, sexual thoughts, also including blasphemy; thoughts of hurting or killing someone, etc. 

O.C.D. is often imagined to be a disease where people need to continuously do rituals such as washing your hands or making sure everything has a place. It's not that easily identifiable, OCD comes in many different types. The one I particularly suffer with is one that causes you to continuously think of things that make you feel uncomfortable. My therapist informed me that it feeds off of making you feel uneasy and as soon as you began to relax and accept something it brings out something new. Prime example, my homosexual thoughts disappearing as soon as I accepted them. 

This type of OCD is actually incredibly common, reason why it seems otherwise is because those who suffer don't want to admit it, because the thought of telling someone is terrifying because it already scares the shit out of them, how can they be expected to tell anyone else?

Currently I am on medication to control the symptoms, I am taking Zoloft and Abilify. I'm not going to lie and say they are miracle workers and unfortunately they haven't completely erased all my symptoms, but they have greatly improved my thought process. I may still have unwanted thoughts but it is a thousand times easier to make them stop. I also am finding it easier to tell myself my hands are clean after washing them once, before i'd have to force myself away from the sink after washing a dozen times. 

Thing is, if you have this problem, I know it's scary, believe me, but maybe that's because we have this mindset that no one else is like us, that we're abnormal and wrong. Maybe our thoughts are negative ones, but that doesn't mean millions of others don't suffer from the same thing! In fact they do! You are not a horrible person! You have a horrible disease! Be kind to yourself and allow yourself to ask for the help and advice you need! 

Bonne Chance

much love<3

book reviews

taken from my old blog 

Water For Elephants
I really enjoyed this book! How it was written made it feel like you were there; seeing instead of reading. My only complaint is that, although I loved the main character at both times in his life, he seemed to be a completely different person in his old age. I realize people change with time, but the character traits were totally opposite. As a young adult he was much more serious and reserved. As an old man he was humorous and sarcastic. It seemed as if they were two different people. Besides that, the book was FANTASTIC!

Memoirs Of A Geisha 
This was the best written book I have ever read in my life! Everything about the book was amazing! The metaphors throughout the book were fantastic! I could only imagine how long it took the author to write! That, or he is a complete genius with words!

The Other Boleyn Girl 
honestly I couldn't believe how sexual it was, here I thought 1500's, people would be a little more prude. Also Mary's character was so annoying! Though I would have liked the book to be narrated by another sibling perhaps,so I wouldn't have to spend every moment with Mary, I think her character alone was the only one to really show all sides.

Something Wicked This Way Comes 
Senior year in my creative writing class, Mrs. Conway put the film "Something Wicked this Way Comes" on around Halloween. I don't believe we got to finish the film, but I remember it seeming very odd and unlike anything I've ever watched. At one point in time she suggested we all read the book. About two years ago I bought it and it has taken me that long to read; I wanted to read it during the season. Being honest it was hard to get into, but once you do it is fantastic. The way the scenes are laid out, and the word choices are incredible. I look foreword to reading it again, years down the road, when I will have even better understanding.

Alice's Adventures In Wonderland & Through The Looking Glass
I honestly don't think there will ever be something like it! There are many adaptions and thousands of books that loosely base their ideas on it, but none compare!

<3

I'm gonna give it another try.

This is very strange considering I haven't written in a long time. I used to have a blog on Google that I started in 2013, that I worked on for about 5 months. (just here→ 

https://plus.google.com/u/0/100904659878383463840/posts) but then I forgot my password and it turned into this big mess, and well here we are. 

I hope everyone from my last blog continues to follow me on this journey. I have honestly missed writing so much and am going to make it a point to post at least twice a week. You all are more than welcome to tell me exactly what it is you'd like me to write about. 

I've missed you all. I'm back bitches. 😘

much love.