more than a little annoyed

Truly.
The thing is, why the hell is it so hard for people to be happy? It's just so god damn hard, thing is it isn't. This is coming from someone who has depression. If I can get past that and not drag everyone down with me, when I'm having a bad day why is it so difficult for everyone else? Because people like to complain. They like to whine, they like to cry, they like having people pity them. This goes past the point of being pathetic.
I am so sick and tired of hanging out with people who complain about EVERYTHING who let the stupidest shit instantly put them in a bad mood. Of people who get mad at you so fast, and give you that look, you know the one I'm talking about, where their eyes burn holes in your skin, because what you just did was so horrific it couldn't possibly be forgotten. For those people who think they are so fucking special and/or use any excuse in the book to put themselves in a bad mood. For example, I work with a girl who is around my age, she walked past a friend and I as we were having a conversation and just stopped and gave us both a look of disgust. She then questioned me if we were just talking about her, when I informed her we were not she rolled her eyes and walked away. WHAT!? I then looked to my friend with a face, I'm sure, of utter confusion. My friend then suggested perhaps she was having a bad day. BULL SHIT! we need to stop making excuses for people who have sticks up their ass, we didn't shove it up there. Forgiving people for treating others below them, and carrying themselves levels higher than anyone else, is a main reason why people continue to act this way! We're giving them a free pass to do so!
I know it's scary to tell these people off, because they are clearly psychotic on different levels, but it's time to take control of your life! And YES, telling these crazies that they're being crazy, does have a crucial part in leading yourself to a happier life. The sooner you realize these people with their "I'm god" attitude, are bringing down your mood day after day, the sooner you can tell them off, and continue on with your day! Which if you're being honest with yourself probably started pretty good. Think about it, when you wake, you usually have a positive outlook, and this is gonna be a great day attitude!
 (unless you have a major test, or your boyfriend just broke up with you, in which case, good luck, you'll do great, and even if you fail, you're still awesome! and as for your ex. that does suck, but take a few moments to write down all the things about them you hated but pretended didn't bother you, throw some things and go out get drunk and make out with the hottest stranger you see! Guaranteed to put you in a better mood!) 
But then, you leave your room and your mother starts complaining about how dirty the house is and how you do nothing to help, or you notice 27 texts on your phone from your friend complaining about her boyfriend who's cheating on her, but prom's in a week, so instead of dumping him, she'll deal and just annoy the shit out of you by sharing all the details, or your husband drank the last of the liquor you're going to need to get you threw this mornings meeting.
So you see it's not life that sucks, it's the people that occupy it!
This is good enough reason as any to take regular vacations away from everyone for months on end! or you know...remove all the losers and surround yourself with people that are a constant good time and make you forget everything else, except for the fact that life should be fun!!!
do yourself a favor & STOP BEING BORING PEOPLE!

I love being liked

love being liked. 

I honestly don't know why it matters to me so much but I want everyone to like me. I am in constant fear that people are talking about me, that I am not good enough, that people think I am weird, and that people don't like me. I have an idea how this may have started, I used to be friends with people that would talk about each other when ever they left the room, and I'm not playing the victim. I participated in this as well. I have always had a sort of anxiety over whether my friends actually did like me. Besides that, I was always different, not saying I didn't have friends, I did, but my whole life, I was either the person no one really wanted to be friends with, or if they did we were all "different". Being different and your own person is not a negative thing AT ALL, but I truly believe it added onto the paranoia of being disliked. Because people don't know how to accept people who are not the same. This is especially true when you are young. So yes, I was made fun, constantly, my whole life. At first it hurt, cause I was a child, and was all alone in it, I guess you could say. When I got older it wasn't bad at all, because all my friends were unique as well. When people made fun of us, we found it humorous, because none of them were exactly "beauty queens". I thought I was past the point of caring, turns out I was terribly wrong. I am now so frightened people don't like me.   
When I see people talking and I can't hear what they are saying, I automatically assume they are talking about me. If I'm in a room with someone and they won't talk to me, I think it's because they don't want to associate with me. 
& when it comes to boys, seriously just shoot me in the face, I was just having a conversation with some friends about this. I am the reason it NEVER works out. I go on and on about how NO ONE likes me, but that isn't the truth. They do, or at least they're considering (haha) and I make them change their mind. To guys, I come across as that crazy chick who wants them to tell me they love me immediately and has picked a date for our wedding and already decided on the names of our children. & I understand why they would think that. I am clingy and insecure. I act this way because I just want them to like me. NOT as in "interested" but as in just like me as a person. I need immediate confirmation that they think I'm, in the lamest term I could possibly use, cool. I wish I could turn it off. It is honestly so ridiculous! I am so scared that people are going to push me away, that I end up pushing them away myself by scaring them. 
I just need to accept the fact that not everyone is going to like you. It is impossible. I am trying. Hopefully this isn't a life long struggle. I want to get to the point where I like myself so much I can be in a room with people who absolutely hate me, and not have it bother me. 

why isn't he interested

I seem to ask myself this question a lot.
Recently it involves this kid I work with..I honestly have no idea why I like him, truth is maybe I don't. Maybe I just like the attention? How can one tell the difference? A while ago a close friend had a mini intervention and told me that I don't like people until I'm sure they don't like me, or I become aware that they no longer are interested, or actually never were. This is because I subconsciously feel as if I can't be with anyone, partly because I'm afraid and partly because I feel as if I'm not good enough... This causes me to be interested in people I will NEVER have a chance with. It's quite silly.

She was right tho. This completely and totally one hundred percent describes me. It's like Charlie Brown said, "I think I'm afraid of being happy because whenever I get too happy something bad always happens."

I don't know how I could have possibly turned him off seeing as when we talk, he's the one that never shuts up, so I don't have much room to say anything he could disagree with. Although I do have clingy tendencies. This results from over thinking. Which is something I do way too much of. I try to turn it off because I am aware it can be more than a little scary. If someone even texts me twice without a response I freak out! So why am I the psycho? Seriously if you've watched the movie He's Just Not That Into You I can be somewhat described as the woman who explains that we should not have caller id so that Women can call their boyfriends during 15 minute intervals until they pick up without them knowing, because otherwise they would seem like a crazy person, which she isn't, obviously.

Maybe females wouldn't be this crazy if males weren't such ass holes.
& no I am not saying you are a tool if you do not like the girl, I'm saying you're arrogant when you pretend to like them, and wonder why they get upset when they find out you don't and then you KEEP PRETENDING.

NOTE TO ALL MALES : If you are not interested, don't keep dragging the poor girl along! Now I know, in doing this you are probably just hoping to "get some" but let me tell you something that isn't much of a secret, there are plenty of women out there that would be glade to make your one night stand a reality. Best part? When it is over, they don't want to see you ever again  either! Stop wondering why you always get chased by the crazies when you're the one that tempted them.

I would be more than happy to have a fling with someone, no, NOT because I'd settle for any form of a man, but because I HONESTLY think it seems like fun.

I however DO NOT appreciate having my feelings dragged across the floor, stepped on, and thrown aside, only to be picked up again when they need something. & isn't it funny I wonder why I can't allow myself to be comfortable with how I feel? Well here's my answer; because no one cares how I feel.

Sailing away on a moon river

& so I should be writing each and everyday. It seems a bit of a hassle sometimes, but then, honestly I feel more than a little lost without it. I used to be in a writing class, the last two semesters, in both we had to keep a journal and write in it everyday. I HATED IT! Mostly because, just like a child, I hate doing what I am told. But when I did write, it was such a release. I am most definitely the type of person that sees it as an enormous struggle to express my feelings, to not only others but even myself. In all actuality, I find it scarier to admit things to myself than others, because when I do get the strength to admit something to someone, which is usually a result of not being able to hold it in anymore, so I have to let it out, anyways, later on, if I realize what I just did was a mistake I can convince myself it's okay because what I said wasn't real, I don't REALLY feel that way. How messed up is that? 
When I was little I used to want to be like one of those girls in all the movies. The really mysterious ones, with the problems that some charming man would come and fix, after he made you aware you even had a problem, because the girls couldn't admit it to themselves. Breakfast at Tiffany's is a wonderful example, because I admired Holly Golightly. She was beautiful, not only in looks, but in class, in confusion, in courage, in disaster. She was the definition of disaster, which is quite alright, because Paul Varjak was a beautiful man who would save her. I wanted to be Holly. That one girl, that no one could quite figure out, but one that everyone wanted to. The girl that had all the boys chasing after her and whom she chased right back, only she never caught them, because she never had any intention to. & one fine day, a handsome man would move into her apartment building and save her from all the things she never knew she needed saving from. I wanted to be Holly alright. With her parties that lasted hours into morning, people jam packed into a tiny apartment. With her knowledge of the french language and curiosity to try everything with bravery to follow threw. Her endless drinking and lack of cooking skills, sleeping until noon, without a problem in the world. She was and is my admiration.Well I have developed somewhat of her persona. I am lost alright, and I have put up monstrous walls, but I've noticed them before anyone else did. This wasn't part of my plan. So for a while, I thought I'd wait. A handsome man would rescue me sooner or later. I had/have no intention of him being perfect, hell even "Fred Baby" had his issues, what with his writing career slipping away and having to rely on his "decorator" for extra cash, but if he had a face half as gorgeous as George Peppard, I'd settle for a drug dealer! Thing is Mr. Varjak never did come along and I'm not so sure I'm strong enough to break down the wall on my own; but that's alright, I'm slowly climbing over it. That's all that really counts anyway. Things don't work out so magically in real life, oh who am I kidding, they never do! Life sucks. & it's scary and confusing. I guess that's why we all need a place like Tiffany's  to rid ourselves of the mean reds. 
& I have become Holly Golightly. Only thing is there's no such person. Even Holly Golightly herself was a disguise. You can try and trick yourself, like I have done, that being someone else will make things easier, but it won't. Eventually Doc will find you, or some other hick you're running from, and you're going to have to start over. 
I will always love Holly and always admire her,not only for who she wants to be but who she is. Because what's so wrong with Lulamae anyway?

& yes you are beautiful

taken from my old blog

It's scary to do things, others are afraid to do. For a while I tried to convince myself I could be okay not doing these things. Honestly the idea of getting married, having kids, living in a cottage by the ocean is a beautiful thought, but I know it would never be enough. The reason I think it's so nice, is because it's so EASY. Look around you. If you're like the majority of the world, then everyone around yous life, was easy to come by. Not saying they never had their share of troubles but as a whole, they got what they set out to get. The chances of you falling on your ass are a hell of a lot higher if what you're chasing is farther away.

People like to tell you, "do you know how hard it is to make that a profession?" or "you don't really want to do that". You find your glow fading around these people. You refrain from telling them everything you want, you end up telling them the shitty average version of your plans, because you don't want them to smash your real one. Or maybe you don't tell them any part of it, because this is easier.

Along the way, their constant reminder that your plans are foolish and unrealistic began to stick with you, and over time you find yourself tweaking the plans so they're more attainable, until finally, they become just like everyone else's.

I know you want to go about this in such a way as your heart won't get broken, but hunny, you're slowly breaking your own heart by taking small pieces of light away from you at a time. 

People in the country are used to dark skies and silent air, and there's nothing wrong with that. They just can't see the beauty in the city lights. You are a billboard that refuses to go out at any hour. You are that one star that shines bright against the black night. And because of that, you are beautiful, some just can't see it, because the light blinds them.

But you just keep shining on, and next time someone starts to criticize your life choices, tell them to buy some sunglasses.

<3

TALK IT OUT

Talk it Out

I am sure when most people sit to write a blog, they have a point, whether it be about their life, their friends life, fashion, school, advice. 

taken from my old blog

This is a bit different than that.

I have always known I needed to be a writer, a novelist to be exact. Recently at work, I helped an older women find what she needed and afterward she began talking to me about my future plans, if I was in school, ect.

I told her I planned on being a novelist. Her response? "No, I mean, as a career what do you want to do?" This comment surprisingly didn't bother me, it's sad to say, because I have become accustomed to the world being rude and lacking knowledge, for better sense of the word. Point is, it didn't bother me, and if someone is just as quick to shoot down your dream, it shouldn't bother you either. Because it's YOUR dream not THEIRS. 

I'd like to use this blog as a way to continually practice writing each day so I can improve my skill, to put up stories I have written for feedback and to give advice and comfort of knowing you aren't alone in things that I can.

I hope whomever reads this gets something out of it, if not, that's alright too. 

I wish everyone the best in whatever it is they're searching for and will offer an ear to those who need it.

Bonne Chance 

much love<3

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

taken from my old blog

O.C.D.

This is something I have been going threw severely since senior year. 

Honestly I showed symptoms of what is "commonly" associated with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder my whole life. When I was little I had to turn my light off while staring at my bed and then run directly to it as soon as I turned the switch. If I spun one way, I had to immediately turn the other, or else i'd feel as if I was tilting. Once I became old enough to realize that these behaviors were effecting my daily life, I self diagnosed myself with ocd. I never thought of it as a serious issue since the symptoms began to dramatically decrease as I grew older.

Senior year, I went through something that changed what my life was like up until then. I don't regret it happening at all, but it effected me internally a lot more than I thought possible. 

I actually do not want to go into detail of the symptoms but I will in hopes that this will help someone reading it because it was by far the hardest thing I ever had to deal with in my life and Just thinking of anyone else going through the same things is upsetting and I hope I can help them.

Senior year, I began to have "weird" feelings towards girls. I personally have NOTHING against homosexuals and don't think anything negative of it. I also believe that being "gay" is something you're born into, just perhaps maybe you were not comfortable dealing with it so you pushed it away. So when I began having these feelings, it freaked me out at first because I had never had attractions towards females to this extent in my life! It made me extremely uncomfortable. I was incredibly embarrassed by these feelings and it made me feel very confused. After a while I came to the realization that I love myself no matter what my sexual orientation, or how friends, family or peers reacted to it. 

This is when things became unbearable. As soon as I excepted the fact that I was probably Bisexual, all those feelings went away. I then began to have weird sexual fantasies that are horrendous and  I can't even say. It was such a mental burden that I completely fell apart.

I would sit in my room and cry for hours every day, I would pray constantly, I actually believed I was a sociopath and would spend my days looking up symptoms of this mental disease among others. I reached the point where I thought of committing suicide because I couldn't deal with being inside my own head. 

I was too embarrassed to ask for help, and honestly thought if I did I would end up in a psych ward. I became an empty shell. I would curl up on my floor and let my mind go blank for hours. 

After a while I couldn't feel anything anymore. Everything I did and didn't do was too much for me. I would inflict pain on myself just so I could feel anything. 

Eventually I told someone I needed help and began seeing a therapist, who was incredibly sweet and diagnosed me with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. She explained that there are many different types of OCD, and that mine is part of the more severe groupings which include, sexual thoughts, also including blasphemy; thoughts of hurting or killing someone, etc. 

O.C.D. is often imagined to be a disease where people need to continuously do rituals such as washing your hands or making sure everything has a place. It's not that easily identifiable, OCD comes in many different types. The one I particularly suffer with is one that causes you to continuously think of things that make you feel uncomfortable. My therapist informed me that it feeds off of making you feel uneasy and as soon as you began to relax and accept something it brings out something new. Prime example, my homosexual thoughts disappearing as soon as I accepted them. 

This type of OCD is actually incredibly common, reason why it seems otherwise is because those who suffer don't want to admit it, because the thought of telling someone is terrifying because it already scares the shit out of them, how can they be expected to tell anyone else?

Currently I am on medication to control the symptoms, I am taking Zoloft and Abilify. I'm not going to lie and say they are miracle workers and unfortunately they haven't completely erased all my symptoms, but they have greatly improved my thought process. I may still have unwanted thoughts but it is a thousand times easier to make them stop. I also am finding it easier to tell myself my hands are clean after washing them once, before i'd have to force myself away from the sink after washing a dozen times. 

Thing is, if you have this problem, I know it's scary, believe me, but maybe that's because we have this mindset that no one else is like us, that we're abnormal and wrong. Maybe our thoughts are negative ones, but that doesn't mean millions of others don't suffer from the same thing! In fact they do! You are not a horrible person! You have a horrible disease! Be kind to yourself and allow yourself to ask for the help and advice you need! 

Bonne Chance

much love<3