Depression

 It is so isolating and defeating. 

The same thing over and over. 

You want so badly for things to change. 

For you to want to put in effort but you can’t.

People in your life drag you down Instead of build you up. 

Everything is the same Every. Single. Day. 

That is all I have for today. 

Blood sugar Battle

 Yesterday my sugar was relatively perfect all day. And then the rain came. 

Pizza. Normally I don’t have an issue with this. I will give insulin and then when I’m done I will set a delayed release for additional insulin. 

I didn’t do this. My sugar was 300 when I started to eat dinner; so I thought fuck it I’ll give myself 4 units off the bat. 

4 units is not necessarily a lot for most. 

Anyone who knows me knows that is a dangerous amount for me to take, no matter how much I’m eating or my blood sugar. 

Except there are days, like yesterday, where my body decides…

“Hey you know how I’ve tried to kill you every time you give me more than 3 units? Well let’s pretend none of that has ever happened. I’m going to watch you give yourself 8 units total, something that would have put you 8 feet in the ground yesterday, and I’m going to keep your sugars steady at 400” 😒

I haven’t been that high (blood sugar 😉) in at least a month. So experiencing this was not fun. 

I felt as if my body was shutting down. I couldn’t stay awake. I had so much pressure behind my eyes I had to lay with a cool washcloth over them. 

My sugar is now 180. I called off work anyway. Pulling a “D-Card”

Start again…

This will be now the third time I have attempted to write in this blog.

But we as human beings have a desire to keep pushing forward. That’s why no matter how many times we fail we just keep getting back up. 

My depression has been overwhelming. 

It has been something I have struggled with a good portion of my life. Saying that is terrifying. Life has gone by so quickly; it feels as if I was just in high school. 

The older you get the faster it goes, but depression has a funny way of making time slow down. And also, blends all the days together. So much so that every day appears the exact same. Just one day after another, only there isn’t another, it is as I said, the same day that never seems to end. 

I opened this back up for a simple reason. I need to take accountability for my life. I spend far too much time on my phone anyway, passing away the time so I can be list somewhere else instead of inside my mind. 

I am going to use this blog to talk about my experience with diabetes and depression. 

So it will apply to more than one audience; but also a very specific audience: depressed diabetics. 🤪

I will be using this to update on my progress and talk about everything and how its going etc etc. 

and hopefully this journey will show me getting better. 

Thank you for stopping by. 

Chronic depression & chronic illness

When you have a chronic illness it’s hard to see the bright side because it will never go away. You are constantly dealing with the pain. If you try hard enough you can ignore it. 

When you have a chronic illness like type 1 diabetes there is no ignoring it. 

I have sat on a couch in my therapists office for months. We talk about all sorts of things, issues with my people (family..friends...coworkers) issues with severe anxiety and obsessive compulsive disorder. We also mainly talk about my diabetes. 

He has mentioned that a good portion of people diagnosed with type 1 diabetes at a young age were robed of a childhood and robed of that time in their life where they should be “figuring things out; figuring out who they are” instead we spent that time figuring out a disease. 

I have recently come to terms with the fact that if I somehow miraculously got better I wouldn’t know who I was because so much of who I am is my diabetes. 

My therapist told me I need to start to figure out who I am that has nothing to do with that. But he soon realized that is easier said than done. 

You see like mentioned before my specific diabetes is labeled as “brittle” in short meaning a good portion of the time even if I do everything right, it’s wrong. 

Because of this I spend so much of my day checking and correcting my blood sugar. It’s always too high or too low, I need to give myself insulin, need to give myself sugar, need to wait..wait...wait. Till it stabilizes....then it’s too high or too low and I need to give myself insulin or sugar and wait...wait...wait. 

It is a full time job, with no days off, no vacation, and DEFINITELY no sick time (if you know someone with type 1 you know being sick isn’t just whatever you have to deal with in terms of symptoms of the illness, it is ALSO having to deal with absurdly high blood sugar that laughs in the face of insulin. Seriously. It’s not coming down for anyone.) 

So how on EARTH are you supposed to find yourself when so much of your time spent on earth revolves around your disease?? You don’t.

Where does this lead you? 

To severe chronic depression.

I spend 90% of my time in my bed. 

Feeling guilty for having to leave work. 

Feeling guilty for not going in at all. 

Feeling overwhelmed at all the phone calls I have to make, to the doctors, dexcom, Omnipod. 

I spend 90% of my time in my bed; because I can’t deal with another day of this. 

I try to be productive so I crochet. 

My hands hurt from crocheting due most likely to my raynauds syndrome. 

I try to read a book, I can’t focus.

I try something with less effort, a movie. 

I spend half that time on my phone scrolling through Facebook or Pinterest. 

I am never present in the moment I am never here. 

I am always somewhere else. 

I feel empty and lost. 

I don’t feel like anything. 

I’m not a person. 

I’m diabetes. 

type 1 unclassified

When I was first diagnosed I had all the symptoms, unexplained weight loss, extreme thirst, excess urination. Still to this day baffles me how I continued to be sick for almost 7 months before i was diagnosed. It takes 1 blood test to find out you have diabetes. 

I went to the doctor at least 4 times during this period. No one suspecting a thing, in fact they suggested my parents bring me to a shrink because I was making it up for attention. 

I remember being terrified. Knowing I was dying and no one believed me. There are few things as frightening as knowing you’re dying and people telling you you’re lying. I remember I had this pair of abercrombie corduroy jeans which I loved and I gotten for Christmas. It was late April at this point and I had just worn the pants a few days before and they were back in my room clean and hung up. They fit me snug before the wash and I vividly remember zipping them then buttoning and letting go and having them fall to my feet. In the amount of days it took my mom to do the laundry (it couldn’t have been more than a week) I had went from 87 pounds to 63. I remember shaking and crying from fear and coming to my mother to tell her I knew I was dying. 

I then went back to the doctor where they finally (with their lack of intelligence it’s really a miracle they thought of it at all) decided to draw my blood and test me for a panel of diseases. 

On Friday April 29th 2005 I was visiting my mom at work; drinking a slush (oh the irony) when my moms boss ran up to her with the work phone; cordless phones were all the rage back then . 

Her boss looked terrified and I immediately knew it was something relating to me and my health. My moms face on the phone call was blank. 

I don’t remember who told me 

“You have diabetes” 

I just remember it was one of my parents. 

I will forever hate that, the fact that I wasn’t told by medical professionals. They told my mom that I needed to go to the hospital right away that they had a room set up for me. 

Upon arriving at the hospital we shortly learned my blood sugar was 998. To give you some numerous for comparison sake, 75-100 is normal. I remember them constantly coming in the room, shot after shot, finger pricks and syringes poking me everywhere all hours day and night. 

At one point my dad was getting heated and going back and forth with my mom asking “why do they need to keep poking her!” “Too many shot” “I’m going to yell at them to stop this is getting out of hand” 

The next time a nurse came in she (surprise) gave me another injection. He stood up from where he was seated on the bench beneath the window across from the bed. He angrily asked her why there were so many shots and that he wasn’t going to let them keeping doing this to me. 

He asked infuriated “when is this going to stop?!”

I will forever remember the nurses face as the blood drained from out of it. She was very uncomfortable about the fact that no one had said anything to use and she would have to be the one. 

She looked at me sadly; 

“Never” she answered. 

I have since had given myself over 2,000 injections 

And 29,000 finger pricks 

Type 1 diabetes. What is it? 

An autoimmune disease in which a persons own body attacks the beta cells inside the pancreas. You have a 1 in 20 chance of getting it if you have a parent with type 1; a 1 in 300 chance if you do not. I am the latter. 

I have been diabetic for 14 years 6 months and 2 days. That’s a long time to be sick. A majority of the world assumes you start to get used to it, because they do. That the highs that make you confused and lethargic, that cause you to call off work, call off plans you’ve had for months, aren’t so bad because you’re used to it. The lows that make you and everyone around you have to stop what they’re doing to get you something with sugar, that cause you to be sitting in the break room for the fifth time in one shift aren’t so bad because you’re used to it. That the comments people whisper about you “what’s that on her arm?” or the outright remarks to your face from strangers telling you “that’s what you get for eating badly!” don’t get to you because you’re used to it. That your entire intermediate and extended family know little to nothing about it, that you have to explain to people multiple times a week what it is. And the fact that you feel like constant shit every day of your life and will have to for the rest of your life isn’t so bad because you’re used to it. 

I can’t speak on behalf of every type 1. Certainly not those lucky ones who seem to have an eery amount of control over their blood sugar. But a good majority of us are certainly not “used to it” in fact i’d say quite the opposite. The continuing of days turned into years of dealing with the same shit is daunting. For a long time, I’d say 10 years, with this disease I had bad days. bad weeks sure, but on the whole I was “okay”. It’s because I held onto this hope that one day I would be better. That I wouldn’t have this forever, not for always. And then one day it hit me. I will never get better. I will only continue to get worse. And that my friends was the beginning of my spiraling depression. 

“Chronically ill depression” is a term used to describe exactly that. When you are depressed because you are sick and will never get better. 

My diabetes has never been “controlled” I like to use this term loosely because using it implies that it is someone’s job to control it. Regarding this, things can be tricky. Yes there are certain things you should do, but that doesn’t guarantee that it will work, that it will be “controlled”.

Let’s break some things down to better explain how to reach some level of control:

-There are two types of insulin- long acting and short acting. 

Long acting is released slowly throughout the day (because yes, contrary to most belief, type 1’s need insulin at all times because insulin does more than convert carbs into energy for your body to use) Short acting is to cover the food you consume or simply because of your blood sugar being high. 

-If you are on an insulin pump there are two terms used-basal and bolus. 

Basal rate is similar to “long acting insulin” as in it does the same job. However it is not different insulin. On an insulin pump you only use short acting insulin. But like mentioned before you constantly need insulin in the body. The insulin pump is programmed to release a certain amount of insulin every hour; the basal. 

The bolus is the amount of insulin you receive to cover a “high” (high blood sugar) or carbs you are about to consume. Fun fact: there is nothing I would be able to eat and not give myself insulin for. Even if I ate strictly vegetables and never needed to bolus (highly unlikely) I would still need a basal rate. 

Seems simple enough. And by simple I don’t actually mean simple. I mean a pain in the arse. However if tried by working with your doctor, most can come up with the correct amount of basal and bolus, or long term and short term insulin. 

But what do you do if they can’t? 

What do you do if you’ve been to more than 8 endocrinologists over the past 14 years and no one knows what to do? 

You take your fine ass to Mayo Clinic. 

I’ve decided to reboot my blog and talk all about my illness and trying to get a hold of it. 

bath bomb sale

Can't sleep, when is that not the case, also it is freezing in my house, temperature has made such a drastic change in such a short amount of time.

A lot of the reason I can't sleep is my anxiety, rearing its ugly little head once again, but when is that not the case? It seems it is getting a lot worse recently though because I want so bad to do something different with my life. But life seems to be at a stand still per usual.
This is turning into a sappy little post which was not, I promise you, my intention at all.
In fact, the reason why I was posting at all, besides the fact that I can't sleep is I thought maybe some of you might be interested?
I run a small business, that is of making CBD infused Bath bombs, mostly for people who experience, like myself, high levels of anxiety but want to take the hippy dippy route, and not use medicine. Also works great for people with pain issues, such as MS, Diabetes, various degrees of Arthritis, such as RA. Even things you wouldn't think like a Polycystic Kidney Disease (PKD) flare up. (I know, because I have this) Or even for just that special (puke) time of the month. List goes on and on.
They are great for stocking stuffers, or little gifts when you don't know what to get someone (hahah we've all been there. Give them this instead of a candle like you (or I do) every year.

Each bath bomb has 35mg of CBD.
They are made with all natural ingredients.
The ones shown are our most popular scents.
There are also going to be more christmas scents to come. One of which we released early...

The price is roughly $15 dollars, but there is a sale currently going on, that the next ten people to order will receive 10% off their next order. Which means if you order one your price is $13.50 but if you order two, your price is $27 instead of $30. So obviously the more you buy, the higher the percentage off. Some of you may be like, yea lana I can do math. This is 3rd grade shit.
I hear you but some of us are mathematically impaired, and I'm helping these people out.

If you would like to place an order, go on Instagram at Soak_co. Impossible to miss, because it has on the page the photos I've shown above.
If you do not have an Instagram but would still like to place an order, leave a comment under this blog post.

much love <3

depression

Depression isn't like how they make it seem in the movies.  Another beautiful girl with light eyes who looks even more beautiful when she cries. It loves to highlight the "important " parts. The "big moments" where  a turning point happens that lets the audience know, oh yep, this is when she starts to develop depression, this is what caused it. In real life it doesn't work like that. There are some stories, where yes it starts in an instant. perhaps from a death or being fired, or a break up. But a lot of the time depression creeps up slowly, over time. Maybe that be from a disease, that unlike cancer  doesn't have the two options of death or remission, it just is. You will never get better, it will be a steady decline that will ultimately kill you unless something else does first.  (I am in no way saying cancer isn't bad. Cancer has taken from me two men in my life I cared for deeply. I am saying there are other diseases to shed light on them. The spot light has and always will be on cancer, but there are diseases that just like to take their time killing you. Like MS or what I have Type 1 diabetes. The list goes on and on though.) And maybe there is no reason at all that you have depression, you just do. 

It causes anger that you wish wasn't there. It causes you to pretend "you're busy" or "you're tired" when you're not. It is avoidance of everyone and then wonder at how they don't notice you are screaming for help. 

It is most of all pain. In the fact that you know it is there and only in your head, yet there is no way to get it out. I have tried therapy, medication, yoga, eating cleaner, it doesn't matter it doesn't go away. And no one seems to understand. 

I wish there was a way to wipe it away. 

My Depression is a result of my OCD

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

Look it up.  It's frightening. 

I have been on so much medication throughout the past few years, at waver signing doses and it has done nothing.   I feel my mind slipping away from me each day. 

brain fog

This is something very upsetting to talk about because it has changed my entire life. 

BRAIN FOG 

For those of you that do not know what it is, it is the inability to focus. It makes thinking about anything that isn't the simplest shit, incredibly difficult to do. 

Not only does it affect your life this way it makes life not actually worth living. 

I can't tell you the amount of times I have broken down in tears because I don't feel alive anymore. It is too difficult for me to do anything. 

I love to read, I love books more than anything. I used to be able to go through a novel a month. No i'm not kidding. And no I'm not one of those people (the worst kinds of people) who pretend they read fast but actually just skim through everything they try to tell you something didn't happen in a book when you know darn well it did. It's like the crappy human version of sparks notes. I actually would just spend hours a day reading. Recreational Reading. I loved it. But it has been over a month since I read. Because I will just keep reading the same sentence over and over and still have no fucking idea what is going on. 

I want to be a novelist, currently starting to write my book, and only after a few hundred words I'm mentally drained, to the point of tears. I used to be in writing classes where I could drop 500 words in less than an hour. Again, no I am not kidding. It is just something I am passionate about therefore I was really good at it. But now I am an empty shell. 

This is due to so many different things. One being my type 1 diabetes, that has single handedly ruined my life. And every time my sugar isn't normal, which is NEVER because as a type 1 your sugar is always going up and down and you just have to try to make the ups and downs not be so drastic, which isn't always the case. Anyway it makes me feel 90% of my life, like i've just been hit with a car. That may be a little dramatic, in realistic terms it makes me feel as if I haven't slept in 24 hours. I feel like this constantly. Add onto this the fact that my cat cries every morning to be fed at 5am and the fact that my personal sleep schedule doesn't allow me to fall asleep till 2-3 am, no matter what I do. It's been this way since I was a kid. 

On top of that the brain fog has gotten OUT OF CONTROL the past few months where I honestly feel dead all of the time. That being said I made a appointment with a neurologist who believes I am suffering from what is known as "silent migraines" I didn't even know that was a thing, but I looked it up and sure enough I am dealing with almost all of those symptoms including, inability to focus, body aches, slurred speech, short term memory issues, inability to understand speech, noise sensitivity (side note: I also have sensory processing disorder) and you guessed it brain fog. 
I was discussing this with someone I work with who suffers from debilitating constant migraines and sure enough our symptoms are almost identical, minus the fact that I have no pain in my head. I do however have pressure in my head daily, to which if you're not a headache or migraine sufferer you may think "isn't head pressure a headache". Answer is no, it is not. Head pressure feels like, well pressure, like your head is being gently squeezed or there is too much brain to fit in your skull. (don't confuse me saying that second part with people who have arnold kanari syndrome, which is very real and very painful where they LITERALLY do not have enough room for their brain in their skull) 
Head pressure is a very mild (at least I think of it as such, who knows maybe it's just because I'm used to it haha) constant annoyance. There is no actual "pain". 

Continuing on, I find it very difficult to live my life. It is very hard hearing people saying if I don't like my life to do something about it, to try to do something with my life, when in fact I AM. But that they don't deal with something that is so mentally debilitating. How am I supposed to write, or do anything for that fact, if I can't focus for shit? 

I'm writing this all here so I don't cry about the fact that I've just spent the last 20 minutes writing this instead of working on my book. 

Maybe someone reading this knows what I'm talking about or has similar diseases / experiences and can help me out? I would appreciate it more than you know. 

much love. 

CBD bath bombs

This is a random post that doesn't have much to do about my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder at all but just putting it out there because CBD has helped me tremendously with my anxiety disorder. 

Check it out...
soak_co on instagram.
SOAK beauty, cosmetic & personal care 

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder : It loves to ...

I have had this devil on my shoulder for almost a decade. 

It loves to tell me all the things I've ever done wrong and all the things I will never do right. 

It loves to remind me of every sinister thought I've ever had and how that deems me not a pure soul.

It loves to tell me the things I have done as a result of my Obsessions, are what will surely keep me out of heaven. Will have the golden gate remain locked as God comes to examine my hands and then tells me that I am not "good enough" to enter. 

It loves to tell me because of what I have done I shouldn't bother being a mother because I will surely ruin their lives. 

It loves to tell me that my boyfriend doesn't deserve the pain of being with me. The additional unknown guilt of being beside me. 

It loves to tell me I am an imposter a fake, a really fantastic fucking actress for being able to pretend I'm a decent human being and not a monster. 

It loves to tell me that 98% of people who live with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder never act on their thoughts. 

It loves to tell me I was too weak to handle that. I didn't last 2 years without believing I was a sociopath and because of that had to "prove" it to myself. 

It loves to tell me I should have seeked help earlier and I wouldn't be in this mess. 

It loves to tell me I did this to myself and therefore everything that comes to me, including me being sent to hell is something I no doubt deserve. 

It loves to tell me that God was probably aware I was going to become a monster and because of that made my punishment be all the incurable, non preventable, non genetic, fucking falling from the air diseases I deal with. 

It loves to tell me the only thing I'm good at is pretending that this isn't eating me apart every second of every day. 

It has formed me into a machine of fake smiles and common motions. 

It has made me so aware. 

More aware of everything and everyone than I ever imagined possible. 

and so it is

unfortunately as it is with most things, I've run into a bit of bad luck. 
I've mad a website on WIX that is unable to show me the comments and likes people have left. Therefore I am going to be doing everything on here from now on. 

I do apologize about that. As I have mentioned in the nOCD app. 

This blog I have written in here and there over the last few years and am now going to be doing a bit of remodeling and making it into a blog about Obsessive Compulsive Disorder as the other website was intended to be.

As mentioned there I want this to be a place where I can talk about my hardships regarding this debilitating disorder, but not only that I want this to be a place where everyone can discuss how this monster of a disease is effecting them. This isn't just my place, I want it to be a place for us all. 
We are all fighting together.

And I am rooting for us all. 

Much love <3 

Mind Fog

Mind Fog.

This may be confusing to understand if you yourself don't suffer frog mind fog, because it is quite difficult to understand. 

I myself suffer horribly from this, whatever it may be and I can't exactly put it into words for my doctor because I truly do not understand it myself. 

I was prescribed adderall after convincing my doctor I needed it. She kept trying to tell me I probably didn't need it and that I wasn't exactly qualified but I insured her that something was just not right. 

I have trouble concentrating on ANYTHING even things I enjoy doing, which makes life very confusing because if you no longer can keep focus on things you "enjoy" do you really enjoy them? 

A good portion of this probably has to do with my depression because I can't seem to find joy in anything and it's hard to get yourself out of that. People say "do something you like to do" Well Debra I CAN'T because my attention span is roughly 20 seconds of focus at a time. 

I also suffer from horrible depersonalization, which if you don't know what that is, the easiest way to describe it is being trapped in your own body. 

You can't really feel anything, you don't have any connection to anyone and you truly don't care, because this isn't real anyway. You are in a movie and everyone is acting and you can't let them know that you know it's all a script so you just do what you "know" is the right thing to do in the moment. If everyone is laughing over a joke, you join in, if people are crying over a tragedy you cry too, and so on and so forth and this makes the whole ordeal a lot worse. 

and this is the reason I need Adderall. Thing is though, I am horrible at taking my pills. That sounds like such a lame ass excuse but truth is it isn't. 

You see without it I don't seem to care about anything and my memory is non existent so when I ran out I kept forgetting to get them refilled and now I'm at the point where I don't know if I can get them because I can't exactly afford to go to the doctor right now. 

I am hoping there is someone reading this that knows what I'm talking about.

After taking it the relief was almost immediate.

I could remember things, I was focused I was happy. It made everything easier, life was easier. 

That isn't to say it didn't come with side effects, like debilitating headaches or feelings like I was going to jump out of my skin, but I don't know maybe those things are worth feeling?

life hacks

I have absolutely horrible anxiety. 

So much so in fact I have chosen to write this post in the smallest possible font. How do these two correlate you wonder?

I am sitting in the library and there is one section with 6 rectangular tables, 2 rows of three. 

And I was sitting here all by myself until someone comes up and decides of ALL the fucking places to sit, he's going to do it right behind me.

I am having a constant feeling of being watched, that he is looking at what I'm typing and what I'm doing and chances are I could be imagining it, but you know how you know someone is watching you and you turn and see they are because your instincts are never wrong? Same thing happening here. 

Whenever people get too close to me when there are so many other places for them to sit my anxiety reaches an all time high, and so does my anger. 

It's like when you're at the movie theater and there is basically no one there and you and your friend think, oh this will be nice. Till one middle aged moron comes up and picks the seat right next to you. I don't get it, why would they want to be that close to someone they don't even know?

Lately I've been having horrible anxiety and I feel as if I've fallen down a hole and every time I try to claw my way out, because no, there isn't a rope, I just end up pulling more dirt over my face. 

I wish I could relax, but that's kind of difficult when you don't have a job and have to go into hiding during the hours you should be at work. 

I feel overwhelmed approximately 200% of the time. 

I wish I could see my therapist to talk to someone so I don't complete lose my mind but I don't have any money and she isn't covered by insurance, which I was living without up until 3 days ago. This has been the worst year and a half of my entire fucking life and of course that's the time I can't see my doctor. 

When it rains, it fucking pours. That's all I'm saying. 

I try to be funny about the whole thing, try to find humor in my misery. Is there such a thing? All the comedians say so. 

I have been trying really hard to get my etsy shop running, but apparently people don't want to buy a semi decently made scarf from a girl on the outskirts of the chi when they could just order one from amazon. 

I'm about to throw down some life hacks you guys so you can live the best wonderfully shitty life you never thought possible. 

number 1. 

Anytime Shit is Getting Too Hard to handle, don't.

I am talking fully blown out DENIAL people! 

Got laundry to fold? Dishes to put away? So do I. And I say Fuck it and you should too. 

Go put on pajama pants sit your ass down and turn on netflix. Because chances are whether you did those things or not, it will still be there tomorrow. Meaning even if you put that china in the cabinet and the undies in the drawer, there will be new dishes and new laundry to be put away tomorrow! Why overwhelm yourself when you could be nothing instead? Isn't that better?

number 2. 

Marry Rich. 

Now this one's my favorite because you can just put down all the life goals you ever had for yourself!

Why worry about what school you're going to get into when you could be worrying about yacht you could by?

Speaking of yacht, that brings me to my third life hack.

number 3.

Buy a Fucking Island, because people are fucking annoying. 

What better way to say fuck off to that great aunt who always comments about your life "oh darling when are you going to find a career?" than to completely remove her from your life, by buying an island and not telling anyone. You don't have to worry about anything on this island! Not work, Not school, and certainly not Clothes.

I hope this post makes everyone reading feel better about their life than I do about mine. 

Hurrah 

Good Day.

Reasons you should be take animals off your plate.

"We cannot eat dead food and feel alive"-Dresden Danielle

Before I start this, I need to be clear that I am in no way saying everyone out there is horrible, despicable, how could you eat a poor helpless animal you disgusting excuse of a human.

no. I am not. Truthfully I think how certain vegans go about it is the problem. So very many of them want to shame you, throw facts in your face like a punch. And most meat eaters get overly defensive about this. 

I am not saying that my way of thinking is correct, and I am not saying that carnivores are bad. In fact I believe, we as humans were "meant" to be carnivores. Eating meat played a crucial role in humans getting to where we are now. 

THIS BEING SAID..I find it hard to wrap my head around why anyone, in this day and age, would willingly choose to put meat on their plate.

We don't need it. We don't. Think everything you want about it, say everything you will, fact is we don't. Go research it. 

There are going to be people reading this, saying "yea well I did research it and it we do need it". I'm saying dig deeper than that. You do know that meat and dairy companies pay to get the green light that this is okay, don't you?

It is hard to grasp this, but try to strip away everything that you learned about it being healthy and think about it logically, which I know everyone reading is capable of doing. 

Why is it that we eat pigs, cows, chickens, but we would never eat dogs, cats, guinea pigs? 

Everything that you're thinking, all the reasons you can come up are not validated. 

I personally love the "because (blank) tastes good" yes well, in other parts of the world they could, and do, say the same for the animals I listed above that you associate with pets.

And if I have to hear one more fucking time about protein, I'm going to lose my head. 

NO ONE I repeat NO ONE needs as much protein as the average american consumes. Yet this concept is so troubling. I have never in my life received so much concern to my health as I have when I stopped eating meat, and I'm talking from friends, or worse yet strangers. It got me thinking how many of them would be accepting of me walking up to them and saying, "I noticed you have more than your fare share of carbs on your plate and I don't remember the last time I seen you eating a vegetable. You should reconsider your food choices, your hips are already pretty wide." 

Hell no. no one would accept that. I can already imagine the uproar. 

I truly do not get how anyone can eat it knowing, truly grasping the fact that it was once alive. 

Thing is we do not all have to remove every animal product from our diet. 
Most vegans are so passionate about the wellbeing of animals (which is wonderful of course) but they are scaring away so many people, who to be honest, will probably never have went fully vegan but who could have made a significant contribution to the lowering of deaths. 

Since people have been eating less meat millions of lives have been saved each year. 
You can be part of that too! You don't have to remove everything. If you are one of those who say "I could never be vegan because I love cheese too much" be a vegan who eats cheese! WHAT?! I can hear every vegan in the distance screaming. But think about it, think about how much they are contributing by stoping their consumption of animals, eggs, ice cream, yogurt. Same goes with literally everything. 

This even includes those reading who completely love animal products, who eat a cheeseburger a day and a greek yogurt every morning. Out of those reading, one could absolutely hate chicken, another could hate milk, another eggs, and the list goes on and on and just from each person completely illuminating something they aren't particularly found of, or something they believe they could live without, well that plays a huge part! 

Just this, JUST THIS, is enough for food companies everywhere to make more vegetarian/vegan options, this including new companies popping up and old changing their ways. 

If even this is too much for you, then cut back your consumption. I know so many meat eaters who eat a disgusting about of meat. Even when I myself consumed meat, I would see this and be completely turned off. 

I grew up in a household of meat eaters, but that didn't mean we always had it. As a treat, on christmas or the occasional weekend, we would have a huge breakfast made up, including, toast, eggs, and of course bacon. Other than that most breakfasts didn't include meat and lunches were always peanut butter and jelly. 
Dinner was when meat was served as a main course, however not every dinner included meat. 
This is why I could never understand the mass consumption of meat in every other household. Not only is it (obviously) horrible for the environment, it is horrendous for ones health. By just limiting the amount of meat on your plate you can help.

You do not have to be a herbivore to help the animals and the planet.

Reading Challenge.

Each year I make a new GoodReads reading challenge. A reading challenge, is basically at the beginning of every year you pick how many books you would like to complete before the year is up. Most years I achieve my goal, and to be honest, my goal is to finish more than I had planned on finishing. This year however isn't looking so wonderful, but I'm going to cut myself some slack because more than a few tragedies have happened this year, making it difficult to make time to read, let alone have the mental clarity to read. In any case I'm going to go through the books I've completed so far this year, along with all those completed last year and the year before. Here goes...

                                                           Reading Challenge 2015 - 8 books
                                                          

1. Plague - Michael Grant 
2. The Geography of Bliss: One Grumps Search for the Happiest Places in the World - Eric Weiner
3. Fear - Michael Grant
4. Light - Michael Grant 
5. The Selection - Kiera Cass
6. The Elite - Kiera Cass
7. The One - Kiera Cass
8. The Giver - Lois Lowry 

         
                                                           Reading Challenge 2016 - 10 books

1. Life is Short - Wear your Party Pants - Loretta LaRoche 
2. The Complete Life's Little Instruction Book - H. Jackson Brown Jr. 
3. Stuff White People Like: A Definitive Guide to the Unique Taste of Millions - Christian Lander
4. Matched - Ally Condie 
5. Crossed - Ally Condie
6. Reached - Ally Condie 
7. Perfume: The Story of a Murderer - Patrick Suskind 
8. The Summerhouse - Jude Deveraux 
9. Austenland - Shannon Hale 
10. Harry Potter and The Cursed Child (parts 1 & 2) - J. K. Rowling
11. Quidditch through the Ages - Kennelworthy Whisp 

                                                           Reading Challenge 2017 -12 books

1. Winter Solstice - Rosamunde Pilcher 
2. Secret Vampire - L. J. Smith 
3. Daughters of Darkness - L. J. Smith 
4. Spellbinder - L. J. Smith 
5. Dark Angel - L. J. Smith
6. Tuck Everlasting - Natalie Babbitt
7. Who is Jesus - Kathleen Long Bostrom
8. When Dad cuts down the Chestnut Tree - Pam Ayres

Those last two in the 2017 challenge are indeed children's books that I read and finished in less than five minutes. Normally I wouldn't put those into my reading list for the challenge, but this year I'm slacking with the finishing of the reading and need some help!

What Depression Feels Like...

Oh the constant empty void. 

Depression isn't something that feels the same, with each person it is going to be different. 

So in this post, I can only explain how it feels to myself. The things I endure. The pain it causes me. It is important to know that just because you don't feel the way I feel when you read this, don't think "Well I must not be depressed then because I don't feel that way." This simply isn't true. You just don't feel depressed the way I do, or the way any other person with depression feels. 

I need to also say, just because you haven't experience it, doesn't make it a lie. Doesn't make it any less horrific than it most certainly is. And just because you HAVE experienced it does not give you the right to try and say someone else isn't going about handling it correctly. There are a multitude of ways to handle it, again, none of which are the same for different people. And do not tell people who have depression, that it will get better that you know what they're going through because you don't. Unless you have the exact same kind of depression, the exact same reason or lack of reason to be depressed, the same people in your life supporting you or demeaning you, ect. You will never know how that person feels and so never know how or if that person will get better.

It has come to my understanding that a lot of people don't "get better" that it doesn't go away. Perhaps I have this viewpoint because I am one of those people. Does this mean I think you should end your life because it will never be the way it was? Absolutely not. I believe for this specific kind of depression, it is best to accept it and cover it. This sounds like ignoring it, throwing a blanket over it and trying to pretend it isn't happening, but that isn't what I mean. I mean cover it with good memories, with positive experiences. Going more into depth on that I mean that with depression it is often common to experience "good days" days where you are happy and experiencing life to the fullest. Outsiders may think this confirms their belief that you were never experiencing this "depression" how could you if you are happy? But we understand that even though we're happy there is an emptiness underneath that. 

The empty feeling, that eats you from the inside out is horrendous. A feeling that won't budge, that is always there, following you everywhere. It seems overbearing and impossible to truly have happy moments with this shadowing over you. I know however that it is possible. It is more than possible to enjoy things with this horrible sense of dread inside you. It is possible to live with it, and over time, no, most likely you won't "get better" but you get something greater than that. You get strength! A strength greater than most people will ever acquire, a strength that will follow you through every single day of your life. 

And you will probably always have the darkness behind the light, but only those who have truly seen the dark can realize how bright the light is. And you my friend are standing directly under the sun. 

Type 1 diabetes

For anyone who suffers from Type 1 Diabetes or Juvenile Diabetes then you understand the every day struggles. 

Not just the constant shots, making sure you give yourself the shot at the exact same time every day so you don't feel like shit, but who am I kidding, you're probably still going to feel like shit. 

It isn't exactly easier for pump users either. I know it seems this way to people without the disease, like " oh well now your life must be so much easier and your diabetes well managed". I remember my doctors telling me how much easier it would make life. 

Well I have an omnipod, which is basically like an insulin pump except the mechanics of the pump are in the tester and what is attached to your body is much more similar in size to one of those monitors ( I can't remember the name, but it keeps constant track of your blood sugar levels). 

To me personally this has been a huge change in my life, no more cord! Yes, removing that fucking cord has lifted unneeded stress from my life. 

I know that there are stupid things to buy to keep the pump in place on your leg, by using one of those stretchy band things, if you opted to wear a skirt or dress, but I remember using these often when I first transitioned to having a pump. I also remember how much it didn't fit and how uncomfortable it was and walking to the bathroom to secretly take it off without my parents knowledge so I could walk and sit without being jabbed in the leg repeatedly. This eventually resulted in me not wearing anything but pants. 

So for 3-4 YEARS I was a young female girl who could not wear anything but pants. 

I can vividly remember putting on a dress for the first time after getting the omnipod and beginning to cry because of how normal I felt. 

Back to my initial point, though the omnipod, (or insulin pumps of any kind) stop you from having to take schedules shots, it's not all sunshine. First off, the blood glucose testing doesn't stop, so you're taking just as many shots there. Additionally the other shots aren't gone forever, if all goes well, you still have to take one every three days. Again that's if nothing goes wrong, and everyone with diabetes knows that's NEVER happening. Some examples of this including, simply running out of insulin, it being a bad site, so no matter how much insulin you're administering, your blood sugar refuses to go down, and last but not least, my personal favorite, it just stops working. If that weren't bad enough it does this horrendous high pitched siren (or scream) that lasts eternally (or until you turn it off) that lets you know it has stopped. This is particularly awesome when it happens during an interview and you then have to stop talking about the job and mention your health issues, that you would have rathered they didn't know about, because if you don't they're going to think you left your phone on and set an alarm loud enough for your neighbors to hear because you can't get up otherwise, and that doesn't look like a good trait to have. 

I am sure I am going to be talking about this a lot more but the reason I am talking about it now is because I feel like crap, and there are a lot of days where I feel like crap. Maybe my blood sugar won't go down, maybe it won't go up, or my body is worn out from either constantly having it's blood sugar be a roller coaster of up and down, from 300-30 in a matter of fucking hours to constantly having synthetic shit pumped into it day in and day out. 

Reminder. 

I think this is important to note, in case you are reading this and don't have type 1 Diabetes, my numbers constantly being this out of control is not due to my lack of effort. 

I am not saying I do everything perfect, by no means, but how could I, I'm human. 

I'm just making it clear, I don't snack on cookies and candy. 

I check my sugar regularly, I am just under a lot of stress, and yes, if you didn't know, that plays a critical role in management. 

Everyone likes to play doctor when they find out I have this and I just want to say, to all of those people. 

THE ONLY WAY I WOULD HAVE NEAR PERFECT CONTROL, 

is to...

1. Eat nothing but Vegetables because that is the only thing with near zero carbohydrates, but watch out don't eat too much because it does have some. 

2. Check blood sugar every hour and hope you still have feeling in your finger tips 5 years from now

3. Quit your job and lose your friends so you can spend every additional minute that you're not eating your vegetables and testing your sugar, exercising. 

4. Lastly, give up being human. No I mean this in the most literal sense, because humans need carbohydrates to survive and you can't have those, and humans have emotions that can't be turned off, which effect blood sugar levels, so you can't have those. 

hahhahaa okay i'm done. 

winter scarves

So I have been making scarves lately and attempting to sell them on etsy and Facebook, so I figured may as well put them on here..

These are some examples of the scarves.
They are all crocheted by me personally.
Each one's stitch will very.
Some of them are infinity scarves.
I can always customize them for you.


my etsy store - https://www.etsy.com/people/melanie71191?ref=hdr_user_menu

My Grammy

How I miss you. 

I get so angry, you being gone, thinking how horrible it is that I don't have you anymore. 

But thing is there are so many people who have such a crappy relationship (if you can even call it that) with their grandparents, and that's horrible. 

And it's them I pity. Not me, because my grandma got to be my best friend. 

Someone I told everything to. Someone who I knew would always be there for me and always tell me when I was wrong and always be a light in the darkest of times. 

So while I sit here time and time again thinking how broken I am with out you, I know you were someone who gave me all the pieces I feel I've lost and I know how unimaginably lucky I was. 

How I can't wait to see you again.