brain fog

This is something very upsetting to talk about because it has changed my entire life. 

BRAIN FOG 

For those of you that do not know what it is, it is the inability to focus. It makes thinking about anything that isn't the simplest shit, incredibly difficult to do. 

Not only does it affect your life this way it makes life not actually worth living. 

I can't tell you the amount of times I have broken down in tears because I don't feel alive anymore. It is too difficult for me to do anything. 

I love to read, I love books more than anything. I used to be able to go through a novel a month. No i'm not kidding. And no I'm not one of those people (the worst kinds of people) who pretend they read fast but actually just skim through everything they try to tell you something didn't happen in a book when you know darn well it did. It's like the crappy human version of sparks notes. I actually would just spend hours a day reading. Recreational Reading. I loved it. But it has been over a month since I read. Because I will just keep reading the same sentence over and over and still have no fucking idea what is going on. 

I want to be a novelist, currently starting to write my book, and only after a few hundred words I'm mentally drained, to the point of tears. I used to be in writing classes where I could drop 500 words in less than an hour. Again, no I am not kidding. It is just something I am passionate about therefore I was really good at it. But now I am an empty shell. 

This is due to so many different things. One being my type 1 diabetes, that has single handedly ruined my life. And every time my sugar isn't normal, which is NEVER because as a type 1 your sugar is always going up and down and you just have to try to make the ups and downs not be so drastic, which isn't always the case. Anyway it makes me feel 90% of my life, like i've just been hit with a car. That may be a little dramatic, in realistic terms it makes me feel as if I haven't slept in 24 hours. I feel like this constantly. Add onto this the fact that my cat cries every morning to be fed at 5am and the fact that my personal sleep schedule doesn't allow me to fall asleep till 2-3 am, no matter what I do. It's been this way since I was a kid. 

On top of that the brain fog has gotten OUT OF CONTROL the past few months where I honestly feel dead all of the time. That being said I made a appointment with a neurologist who believes I am suffering from what is known as "silent migraines" I didn't even know that was a thing, but I looked it up and sure enough I am dealing with almost all of those symptoms including, inability to focus, body aches, slurred speech, short term memory issues, inability to understand speech, noise sensitivity (side note: I also have sensory processing disorder) and you guessed it brain fog. 
I was discussing this with someone I work with who suffers from debilitating constant migraines and sure enough our symptoms are almost identical, minus the fact that I have no pain in my head. I do however have pressure in my head daily, to which if you're not a headache or migraine sufferer you may think "isn't head pressure a headache". Answer is no, it is not. Head pressure feels like, well pressure, like your head is being gently squeezed or there is too much brain to fit in your skull. (don't confuse me saying that second part with people who have arnold kanari syndrome, which is very real and very painful where they LITERALLY do not have enough room for their brain in their skull) 
Head pressure is a very mild (at least I think of it as such, who knows maybe it's just because I'm used to it haha) constant annoyance. There is no actual "pain". 

Continuing on, I find it very difficult to live my life. It is very hard hearing people saying if I don't like my life to do something about it, to try to do something with my life, when in fact I AM. But that they don't deal with something that is so mentally debilitating. How am I supposed to write, or do anything for that fact, if I can't focus for shit? 

I'm writing this all here so I don't cry about the fact that I've just spent the last 20 minutes writing this instead of working on my book. 

Maybe someone reading this knows what I'm talking about or has similar diseases / experiences and can help me out? I would appreciate it more than you know. 

much love.