Mind Fog

Mind Fog.

This may be confusing to understand if you yourself don't suffer frog mind fog, because it is quite difficult to understand. 

I myself suffer horribly from this, whatever it may be and I can't exactly put it into words for my doctor because I truly do not understand it myself. 

I was prescribed adderall after convincing my doctor I needed it. She kept trying to tell me I probably didn't need it and that I wasn't exactly qualified but I insured her that something was just not right. 

I have trouble concentrating on ANYTHING even things I enjoy doing, which makes life very confusing because if you no longer can keep focus on things you "enjoy" do you really enjoy them? 

A good portion of this probably has to do with my depression because I can't seem to find joy in anything and it's hard to get yourself out of that. People say "do something you like to do" Well Debra I CAN'T because my attention span is roughly 20 seconds of focus at a time. 

I also suffer from horrible depersonalization, which if you don't know what that is, the easiest way to describe it is being trapped in your own body. 

You can't really feel anything, you don't have any connection to anyone and you truly don't care, because this isn't real anyway. You are in a movie and everyone is acting and you can't let them know that you know it's all a script so you just do what you "know" is the right thing to do in the moment. If everyone is laughing over a joke, you join in, if people are crying over a tragedy you cry too, and so on and so forth and this makes the whole ordeal a lot worse. 

and this is the reason I need Adderall. Thing is though, I am horrible at taking my pills. That sounds like such a lame ass excuse but truth is it isn't. 

You see without it I don't seem to care about anything and my memory is non existent so when I ran out I kept forgetting to get them refilled and now I'm at the point where I don't know if I can get them because I can't exactly afford to go to the doctor right now. 

I am hoping there is someone reading this that knows what I'm talking about.

After taking it the relief was almost immediate.

I could remember things, I was focused I was happy. It made everything easier, life was easier. 

That isn't to say it didn't come with side effects, like debilitating headaches or feelings like I was going to jump out of my skin, but I don't know maybe those things are worth feeling?