depression

Depression isn't like how they make it seem in the movies.  Another beautiful girl with light eyes who looks even more beautiful when she cries. It loves to highlight the "important " parts. The "big moments" where  a turning point happens that lets the audience know, oh yep, this is when she starts to develop depression, this is what caused it. In real life it doesn't work like that. There are some stories, where yes it starts in an instant. perhaps from a death or being fired, or a break up. But a lot of the time depression creeps up slowly, over time. Maybe that be from a disease, that unlike cancer  doesn't have the two options of death or remission, it just is. You will never get better, it will be a steady decline that will ultimately kill you unless something else does first.  (I am in no way saying cancer isn't bad. Cancer has taken from me two men in my life I cared for deeply. I am saying there are other diseases to shed light on them. The spot light has and always will be on cancer, but there are diseases that just like to take their time killing you. Like MS or what I have Type 1 diabetes. The list goes on and on though.) And maybe there is no reason at all that you have depression, you just do. 

It causes anger that you wish wasn't there. It causes you to pretend "you're busy" or "you're tired" when you're not. It is avoidance of everyone and then wonder at how they don't notice you are screaming for help. 

It is most of all pain. In the fact that you know it is there and only in your head, yet there is no way to get it out. I have tried therapy, medication, yoga, eating cleaner, it doesn't matter it doesn't go away. And no one seems to understand. 

I wish there was a way to wipe it away. 

My Depression is a result of my OCD

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

Look it up.  It's frightening. 

I have been on so much medication throughout the past few years, at waver signing doses and it has done nothing.   I feel my mind slipping away from me each day.