Mind Fog

Mind Fog.

This may be confusing to understand if you yourself don't suffer frog mind fog, because it is quite difficult to understand. 

I myself suffer horribly from this, whatever it may be and I can't exactly put it into words for my doctor because I truly do not understand it myself. 

I was prescribed adderall after convincing my doctor I needed it. She kept trying to tell me I probably didn't need it and that I wasn't exactly qualified but I insured her that something was just not right. 

I have trouble concentrating on ANYTHING even things I enjoy doing, which makes life very confusing because if you no longer can keep focus on things you "enjoy" do you really enjoy them? 

A good portion of this probably has to do with my depression because I can't seem to find joy in anything and it's hard to get yourself out of that. People say "do something you like to do" Well Debra I CAN'T because my attention span is roughly 20 seconds of focus at a time. 

I also suffer from horrible depersonalization, which if you don't know what that is, the easiest way to describe it is being trapped in your own body. 

You can't really feel anything, you don't have any connection to anyone and you truly don't care, because this isn't real anyway. You are in a movie and everyone is acting and you can't let them know that you know it's all a script so you just do what you "know" is the right thing to do in the moment. If everyone is laughing over a joke, you join in, if people are crying over a tragedy you cry too, and so on and so forth and this makes the whole ordeal a lot worse. 

and this is the reason I need Adderall. Thing is though, I am horrible at taking my pills. That sounds like such a lame ass excuse but truth is it isn't. 

You see without it I don't seem to care about anything and my memory is non existent so when I ran out I kept forgetting to get them refilled and now I'm at the point where I don't know if I can get them because I can't exactly afford to go to the doctor right now. 

I am hoping there is someone reading this that knows what I'm talking about.

After taking it the relief was almost immediate.

I could remember things, I was focused I was happy. It made everything easier, life was easier. 

That isn't to say it didn't come with side effects, like debilitating headaches or feelings like I was going to jump out of my skin, but I don't know maybe those things are worth feeling?

life hacks

I have absolutely horrible anxiety. 

So much so in fact I have chosen to write this post in the smallest possible font. How do these two correlate you wonder?

I am sitting in the library and there is one section with 6 rectangular tables, 2 rows of three. 

And I was sitting here all by myself until someone comes up and decides of ALL the fucking places to sit, he's going to do it right behind me.

I am having a constant feeling of being watched, that he is looking at what I'm typing and what I'm doing and chances are I could be imagining it, but you know how you know someone is watching you and you turn and see they are because your instincts are never wrong? Same thing happening here. 

Whenever people get too close to me when there are so many other places for them to sit my anxiety reaches an all time high, and so does my anger. 

It's like when you're at the movie theater and there is basically no one there and you and your friend think, oh this will be nice. Till one middle aged moron comes up and picks the seat right next to you. I don't get it, why would they want to be that close to someone they don't even know?

Lately I've been having horrible anxiety and I feel as if I've fallen down a hole and every time I try to claw my way out, because no, there isn't a rope, I just end up pulling more dirt over my face. 

I wish I could relax, but that's kind of difficult when you don't have a job and have to go into hiding during the hours you should be at work. 

I feel overwhelmed approximately 200% of the time. 

I wish I could see my therapist to talk to someone so I don't complete lose my mind but I don't have any money and she isn't covered by insurance, which I was living without up until 3 days ago. This has been the worst year and a half of my entire fucking life and of course that's the time I can't see my doctor. 

When it rains, it fucking pours. That's all I'm saying. 

I try to be funny about the whole thing, try to find humor in my misery. Is there such a thing? All the comedians say so. 

I have been trying really hard to get my etsy shop running, but apparently people don't want to buy a semi decently made scarf from a girl on the outskirts of the chi when they could just order one from amazon. 

I'm about to throw down some life hacks you guys so you can live the best wonderfully shitty life you never thought possible. 

number 1. 

Anytime Shit is Getting Too Hard to handle, don't.

I am talking fully blown out DENIAL people! 

Got laundry to fold? Dishes to put away? So do I. And I say Fuck it and you should too. 

Go put on pajama pants sit your ass down and turn on netflix. Because chances are whether you did those things or not, it will still be there tomorrow. Meaning even if you put that china in the cabinet and the undies in the drawer, there will be new dishes and new laundry to be put away tomorrow! Why overwhelm yourself when you could be nothing instead? Isn't that better?

number 2. 

Marry Rich. 

Now this one's my favorite because you can just put down all the life goals you ever had for yourself!

Why worry about what school you're going to get into when you could be worrying about yacht you could by?

Speaking of yacht, that brings me to my third life hack.

number 3.

Buy a Fucking Island, because people are fucking annoying. 

What better way to say fuck off to that great aunt who always comments about your life "oh darling when are you going to find a career?" than to completely remove her from your life, by buying an island and not telling anyone. You don't have to worry about anything on this island! Not work, Not school, and certainly not Clothes.

I hope this post makes everyone reading feel better about their life than I do about mine. 

Hurrah 

Good Day.

Reasons you should be take animals off your plate.

"We cannot eat dead food and feel alive"-Dresden Danielle

Before I start this, I need to be clear that I am in no way saying everyone out there is horrible, despicable, how could you eat a poor helpless animal you disgusting excuse of a human.

no. I am not. Truthfully I think how certain vegans go about it is the problem. So very many of them want to shame you, throw facts in your face like a punch. And most meat eaters get overly defensive about this. 

I am not saying that my way of thinking is correct, and I am not saying that carnivores are bad. In fact I believe, we as humans were "meant" to be carnivores. Eating meat played a crucial role in humans getting to where we are now. 

THIS BEING SAID..I find it hard to wrap my head around why anyone, in this day and age, would willingly choose to put meat on their plate.

We don't need it. We don't. Think everything you want about it, say everything you will, fact is we don't. Go research it. 

There are going to be people reading this, saying "yea well I did research it and it we do need it". I'm saying dig deeper than that. You do know that meat and dairy companies pay to get the green light that this is okay, don't you?

It is hard to grasp this, but try to strip away everything that you learned about it being healthy and think about it logically, which I know everyone reading is capable of doing. 

Why is it that we eat pigs, cows, chickens, but we would never eat dogs, cats, guinea pigs? 

Everything that you're thinking, all the reasons you can come up are not validated. 

I personally love the "because (blank) tastes good" yes well, in other parts of the world they could, and do, say the same for the animals I listed above that you associate with pets.

And if I have to hear one more fucking time about protein, I'm going to lose my head. 

NO ONE I repeat NO ONE needs as much protein as the average american consumes. Yet this concept is so troubling. I have never in my life received so much concern to my health as I have when I stopped eating meat, and I'm talking from friends, or worse yet strangers. It got me thinking how many of them would be accepting of me walking up to them and saying, "I noticed you have more than your fare share of carbs on your plate and I don't remember the last time I seen you eating a vegetable. You should reconsider your food choices, your hips are already pretty wide." 

Hell no. no one would accept that. I can already imagine the uproar. 

I truly do not get how anyone can eat it knowing, truly grasping the fact that it was once alive. 

Thing is we do not all have to remove every animal product from our diet. 
Most vegans are so passionate about the wellbeing of animals (which is wonderful of course) but they are scaring away so many people, who to be honest, will probably never have went fully vegan but who could have made a significant contribution to the lowering of deaths. 

Since people have been eating less meat millions of lives have been saved each year. 
You can be part of that too! You don't have to remove everything. If you are one of those who say "I could never be vegan because I love cheese too much" be a vegan who eats cheese! WHAT?! I can hear every vegan in the distance screaming. But think about it, think about how much they are contributing by stoping their consumption of animals, eggs, ice cream, yogurt. Same goes with literally everything. 

This even includes those reading who completely love animal products, who eat a cheeseburger a day and a greek yogurt every morning. Out of those reading, one could absolutely hate chicken, another could hate milk, another eggs, and the list goes on and on and just from each person completely illuminating something they aren't particularly found of, or something they believe they could live without, well that plays a huge part! 

Just this, JUST THIS, is enough for food companies everywhere to make more vegetarian/vegan options, this including new companies popping up and old changing their ways. 

If even this is too much for you, then cut back your consumption. I know so many meat eaters who eat a disgusting about of meat. Even when I myself consumed meat, I would see this and be completely turned off. 

I grew up in a household of meat eaters, but that didn't mean we always had it. As a treat, on christmas or the occasional weekend, we would have a huge breakfast made up, including, toast, eggs, and of course bacon. Other than that most breakfasts didn't include meat and lunches were always peanut butter and jelly. 
Dinner was when meat was served as a main course, however not every dinner included meat. 
This is why I could never understand the mass consumption of meat in every other household. Not only is it (obviously) horrible for the environment, it is horrendous for ones health. By just limiting the amount of meat on your plate you can help.

You do not have to be a herbivore to help the animals and the planet.

Reading Challenge.

Each year I make a new GoodReads reading challenge. A reading challenge, is basically at the beginning of every year you pick how many books you would like to complete before the year is up. Most years I achieve my goal, and to be honest, my goal is to finish more than I had planned on finishing. This year however isn't looking so wonderful, but I'm going to cut myself some slack because more than a few tragedies have happened this year, making it difficult to make time to read, let alone have the mental clarity to read. In any case I'm going to go through the books I've completed so far this year, along with all those completed last year and the year before. Here goes...

                                                           Reading Challenge 2015 - 8 books
                                                          

1. Plague - Michael Grant 
2. The Geography of Bliss: One Grumps Search for the Happiest Places in the World - Eric Weiner
3. Fear - Michael Grant
4. Light - Michael Grant 
5. The Selection - Kiera Cass
6. The Elite - Kiera Cass
7. The One - Kiera Cass
8. The Giver - Lois Lowry 

         
                                                           Reading Challenge 2016 - 10 books

1. Life is Short - Wear your Party Pants - Loretta LaRoche 
2. The Complete Life's Little Instruction Book - H. Jackson Brown Jr. 
3. Stuff White People Like: A Definitive Guide to the Unique Taste of Millions - Christian Lander
4. Matched - Ally Condie 
5. Crossed - Ally Condie
6. Reached - Ally Condie 
7. Perfume: The Story of a Murderer - Patrick Suskind 
8. The Summerhouse - Jude Deveraux 
9. Austenland - Shannon Hale 
10. Harry Potter and The Cursed Child (parts 1 & 2) - J. K. Rowling
11. Quidditch through the Ages - Kennelworthy Whisp 

                                                           Reading Challenge 2017 -12 books

1. Winter Solstice - Rosamunde Pilcher 
2. Secret Vampire - L. J. Smith 
3. Daughters of Darkness - L. J. Smith 
4. Spellbinder - L. J. Smith 
5. Dark Angel - L. J. Smith
6. Tuck Everlasting - Natalie Babbitt
7. Who is Jesus - Kathleen Long Bostrom
8. When Dad cuts down the Chestnut Tree - Pam Ayres

Those last two in the 2017 challenge are indeed children's books that I read and finished in less than five minutes. Normally I wouldn't put those into my reading list for the challenge, but this year I'm slacking with the finishing of the reading and need some help!

What Depression Feels Like...

Oh the constant empty void. 

Depression isn't something that feels the same, with each person it is going to be different. 

So in this post, I can only explain how it feels to myself. The things I endure. The pain it causes me. It is important to know that just because you don't feel the way I feel when you read this, don't think "Well I must not be depressed then because I don't feel that way." This simply isn't true. You just don't feel depressed the way I do, or the way any other person with depression feels. 

I need to also say, just because you haven't experience it, doesn't make it a lie. Doesn't make it any less horrific than it most certainly is. And just because you HAVE experienced it does not give you the right to try and say someone else isn't going about handling it correctly. There are a multitude of ways to handle it, again, none of which are the same for different people. And do not tell people who have depression, that it will get better that you know what they're going through because you don't. Unless you have the exact same kind of depression, the exact same reason or lack of reason to be depressed, the same people in your life supporting you or demeaning you, ect. You will never know how that person feels and so never know how or if that person will get better.

It has come to my understanding that a lot of people don't "get better" that it doesn't go away. Perhaps I have this viewpoint because I am one of those people. Does this mean I think you should end your life because it will never be the way it was? Absolutely not. I believe for this specific kind of depression, it is best to accept it and cover it. This sounds like ignoring it, throwing a blanket over it and trying to pretend it isn't happening, but that isn't what I mean. I mean cover it with good memories, with positive experiences. Going more into depth on that I mean that with depression it is often common to experience "good days" days where you are happy and experiencing life to the fullest. Outsiders may think this confirms their belief that you were never experiencing this "depression" how could you if you are happy? But we understand that even though we're happy there is an emptiness underneath that. 

The empty feeling, that eats you from the inside out is horrendous. A feeling that won't budge, that is always there, following you everywhere. It seems overbearing and impossible to truly have happy moments with this shadowing over you. I know however that it is possible. It is more than possible to enjoy things with this horrible sense of dread inside you. It is possible to live with it, and over time, no, most likely you won't "get better" but you get something greater than that. You get strength! A strength greater than most people will ever acquire, a strength that will follow you through every single day of your life. 

And you will probably always have the darkness behind the light, but only those who have truly seen the dark can realize how bright the light is. And you my friend are standing directly under the sun. 

Type 1 diabetes

For anyone who suffers from Type 1 Diabetes or Juvenile Diabetes then you understand the every day struggles. 

Not just the constant shots, making sure you give yourself the shot at the exact same time every day so you don't feel like shit, but who am I kidding, you're probably still going to feel like shit. 

It isn't exactly easier for pump users either. I know it seems this way to people without the disease, like " oh well now your life must be so much easier and your diabetes well managed". I remember my doctors telling me how much easier it would make life. 

Well I have an omnipod, which is basically like an insulin pump except the mechanics of the pump are in the tester and what is attached to your body is much more similar in size to one of those monitors ( I can't remember the name, but it keeps constant track of your blood sugar levels). 

To me personally this has been a huge change in my life, no more cord! Yes, removing that fucking cord has lifted unneeded stress from my life. 

I know that there are stupid things to buy to keep the pump in place on your leg, by using one of those stretchy band things, if you opted to wear a skirt or dress, but I remember using these often when I first transitioned to having a pump. I also remember how much it didn't fit and how uncomfortable it was and walking to the bathroom to secretly take it off without my parents knowledge so I could walk and sit without being jabbed in the leg repeatedly. This eventually resulted in me not wearing anything but pants. 

So for 3-4 YEARS I was a young female girl who could not wear anything but pants. 

I can vividly remember putting on a dress for the first time after getting the omnipod and beginning to cry because of how normal I felt. 

Back to my initial point, though the omnipod, (or insulin pumps of any kind) stop you from having to take schedules shots, it's not all sunshine. First off, the blood glucose testing doesn't stop, so you're taking just as many shots there. Additionally the other shots aren't gone forever, if all goes well, you still have to take one every three days. Again that's if nothing goes wrong, and everyone with diabetes knows that's NEVER happening. Some examples of this including, simply running out of insulin, it being a bad site, so no matter how much insulin you're administering, your blood sugar refuses to go down, and last but not least, my personal favorite, it just stops working. If that weren't bad enough it does this horrendous high pitched siren (or scream) that lasts eternally (or until you turn it off) that lets you know it has stopped. This is particularly awesome when it happens during an interview and you then have to stop talking about the job and mention your health issues, that you would have rathered they didn't know about, because if you don't they're going to think you left your phone on and set an alarm loud enough for your neighbors to hear because you can't get up otherwise, and that doesn't look like a good trait to have. 

I am sure I am going to be talking about this a lot more but the reason I am talking about it now is because I feel like crap, and there are a lot of days where I feel like crap. Maybe my blood sugar won't go down, maybe it won't go up, or my body is worn out from either constantly having it's blood sugar be a roller coaster of up and down, from 300-30 in a matter of fucking hours to constantly having synthetic shit pumped into it day in and day out. 

Reminder. 

I think this is important to note, in case you are reading this and don't have type 1 Diabetes, my numbers constantly being this out of control is not due to my lack of effort. 

I am not saying I do everything perfect, by no means, but how could I, I'm human. 

I'm just making it clear, I don't snack on cookies and candy. 

I check my sugar regularly, I am just under a lot of stress, and yes, if you didn't know, that plays a critical role in management. 

Everyone likes to play doctor when they find out I have this and I just want to say, to all of those people. 

THE ONLY WAY I WOULD HAVE NEAR PERFECT CONTROL, 

is to...

1. Eat nothing but Vegetables because that is the only thing with near zero carbohydrates, but watch out don't eat too much because it does have some. 

2. Check blood sugar every hour and hope you still have feeling in your finger tips 5 years from now

3. Quit your job and lose your friends so you can spend every additional minute that you're not eating your vegetables and testing your sugar, exercising. 

4. Lastly, give up being human. No I mean this in the most literal sense, because humans need carbohydrates to survive and you can't have those, and humans have emotions that can't be turned off, which effect blood sugar levels, so you can't have those. 

hahhahaa okay i'm done. 

winter scarves

So I have been making scarves lately and attempting to sell them on etsy and Facebook, so I figured may as well put them on here..

These are some examples of the scarves.
They are all crocheted by me personally.
Each one's stitch will very.
Some of them are infinity scarves.
I can always customize them for you.


my etsy store - https://www.etsy.com/people/melanie71191?ref=hdr_user_menu

My Grammy

How I miss you. 

I get so angry, you being gone, thinking how horrible it is that I don't have you anymore. 

But thing is there are so many people who have such a crappy relationship (if you can even call it that) with their grandparents, and that's horrible. 

And it's them I pity. Not me, because my grandma got to be my best friend. 

Someone I told everything to. Someone who I knew would always be there for me and always tell me when I was wrong and always be a light in the darkest of times. 

So while I sit here time and time again thinking how broken I am with out you, I know you were someone who gave me all the pieces I feel I've lost and I know how unimaginably lucky I was. 

How I can't wait to see you again.

FALL

YAY! 

Autumn is officially here and I am over the moon excited about it. 

Thing is most things cost money so that's a bit of a let down. 

But I did manage to buy this cute thing for my kitten..insert picture here

is this not the CUTEST DAMN cat you have ever seen?!

Well at least my cat is ready for halloween. 

I am going to be doing tons of "fall-ish" things this October, so it's time to get excited about that! 

My boyfriend and I are going to be making different treats as well so we'll see how that goes haha

I can not believe it is already the 5th of October.

Where did the time go?!?!

life is a mess...

..."Money Can't Buy Happiness"..
Well these people obviously have never had to deal with bills.
Have never had to wonder if they'd make enough to pay the car note.
Have never had to stay awake all night wondering if they'd be able to afford to buy groceries.
Have never had to think to themselves, "I am never going to be able to find my dream and go after it, because I literally have NO MONEY to keep me going while I try to 'find myself'"

I am at a stand still.
Life seems to be getting worse and worse.

I try to think of the positives but that's really hard when you're barely keeping your head above water.

I recently got a kitten, well in June, and he is the cutest thing in the world, and I feel like I don't spend any time with him, because even when I am here, am I really?
The answer is no.
I am just aimlessly wandering through life.

I wish I had time to sit and to write the novel I always wanted to write but my mind is a complete and utter blank, taken over wholey by stress.

It keeps me up at night, makes me feel sick to my stomach, makes me feel nauseous, dizzy, and I can't afford to go see my therapist because did I mention I have no money?
It is a never ending battle with no light at the end.

I have no college degree because I felt so lost I didn't know what I wanted to do, and I was never very good at blindly going through life, so I took off semester after semester, hoping I'd find something in myself, hoping I'd find an answer, but obviously I'm still asking the question, and I'm still EXACTLY where I started.

I would apologize for this being a rant, but that is pointless to do because this post was intended to be a rant, it is intended to help whomever is struggling with the same thing.

Lara, how are you helping if you're literally saying you can't help yourself?
Good Question.
I'm helping in that I am telling you, no one is alone.
We can share in this crappy thing called life, together.

Here's hoping everyone is having a better day than say I.

Connect the dots...on my face.

SKIN.
I feel I am quite the expert on this topic. I have been dealing with "skin issues" since I was in 8th grade. Seeing as I am now 25, that's a heck of a long time.
I say skin issues instead of acne because it didn't start out that way.
Now it's been over a decade since these problems started so I can't remember every detail, but I'll try my best.
From what I do remember, there were extremes. Extreme dryness to the point where I would cry from wanting to tare the skin from my face, dryness that made me question whether or not I was part reptile, dryness that made facial expression painful. This time of my life was also equipped with spells of oil. The kind of oily that no matter how many oil sheets I used you could still fry an egg on my face in the sun, kind of oily.
I tried everything you could think of at the drugstore and I may as well just have lit my cash on fire because nothing worked.
I can remember this being the time I started using makeup to cover what I believed at that time was horrible skin (this would be a good time to take a break and cry over that last statement because let me tell you, it just kept going up from there).
The split personality/hormonal bitch that was my skin continued for the next two years. Which leads me to Junior year of High School where the universe decided, "You know, I just don't think I've given her enough to deal with" and with that I gained what must have been 30 pounds and my face transformed into something out of a proactive ad (That's if they actually used people with acne and not models with perfect airbrushed skin).
I'm not going to lie and say I worked out and ate healthy, because I was a teenager and I live in America. However my lifestyle didn't change from what it was the last 5 years of my life and wouldn't change for the next 5. Yet somehow Junior year was the year my body rebelled; and I've got the pictures to prove it.
By Senior year I had lost the weight and my skin had begun to clear considerably. I know what everyone's thinking so I'll save you the trouble of asking, I did miss my acne, we had been through some great times together and it was hard to watch it go so suddenly, but lucky for me I'm left with about 50 scars as a constant memory, a token if you will.
The point of my life I am at now is the same as it has been since Senior year, majority of my skin is scaring, however there is also the never ending reoccurring acne that just keeps stopping by unannounced and uninvited. I probably get a new guest EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. And the second I notice one is missing I find, that isn't true, he's just relocated somewhere else.
Let us go over the treatment methods I've tried shall we?
First off I have tried everything there is..basically.

• Acne.org
• Acne free
• Murad 
• Clean and Clear 
• Biore 
• Oxy Skin Care
• Mario Badescu 
• Neutrogena
• Clinique 3 Step System
• Alba Botanica
• Cerave
• Olay
• Aveeno
• St. Ives
• Simple

I'm not kidding when I say NONE of these worked. I will say some worked less than others.

I have been to a total of 5 dermatologists who do nothing but push medication at you and I have tried most of them, except for Accutane because of two reasons, it works by shutting off oil glands and I don't know how many times I will have to explain this, because every doctor refuses to believe it, It just CAN'T be POSSIBLE there eyes seem to say. But I swear on every star in the sky my skin for the past 6 years is as dry as the Sahara Desert. But this goes against logic that I have acne and dry skin so I must be lying, anyway... second reason is I suffer from depression and this medication causes depression and can lead to suicide so um yea, no thank you. But you know it's weird I say these things and yet Accutane was still a reoccurring topic of discussion, because of this it's been over a year since I seen one of "those doctors". 

During my visits I did try things don't get me wrong, this including topical and oral medications. And guess what?! None of them worked. No reaction at all! Oh wait, that's a lie, I had an allergic reaction to Doxycycline which made me look like a beached whale. Awesome. 

I tried giving up common food allergies such as Gluten and Dairy, neither helped my skin. 

I tried eating nothing but fruit and vegetables and maybe this would have worked except I only lasted a week before I felt constantly faint and overwhelmed with everything. 

I could go into more detail about what I ate and how much but people who live by that diet will surely tell me all the things I did wrong without me having to say more than that one run on sentence, so I'll save myself the hassle. 

I am currently trying my best to drink an excessive amount of water so there's that.

Well point is I said enough is enough and took the red eye to California to meet up with one of the worlds best plastic surgeons so I could have facial reconstruction surgery. All was going well till her told me the price, so I hauled my ass back onto the plane and came home, having to think of something else.

In all seriousness I decided to see a naturopath doctor. 

I seen her for the first time two weeks ago and see her again two weeks from now. She has put me on a bunch of vitamins and I'm going to keep everyone posted on all the goings on of my face and if things get better or worse, what things have helped and so on. I think I'll make this a weekly thing. 

<3

depressing depression

Well What Do You Know...

I let an excessive amount of time go by before I wrote. 

Which Brings me to the topic of this blog post..

DEPRESSION.

Such a beautiful topic. So uplifting. So inspiring. 

Honestly I am a huge J.K. Rowling fan, (you're thinking what the f*ck does that have to do with anything Lara?! Well hold on to your panties there, I'm going to tell you) She often speaks about her depression and how it took getting to rock bottom for her to be able to build herself back up. Not only this incredible woman, but many others (men included) often say the same..."it wasn't until I was at my breaking point that I got better" or "It took everything falling apart for me to put everything back together" or "I didn't start my life till I realized I had no life" Or..Or..Or..basically anything and I gotta say I am incredibly happy for these people, honest to God I am over the moon thrilled for those people! However I have to say that hearing about that makes me slip even further into the hole I have so busily created for myself. Hearing people say that they were able to get themselves out of that hole all on their own makes the bottom of my hole turn into quick sand (and yes, that is the best example I can think of at this moment in time). I just can't fathom how this doesn't work for me, how I can not be one of "those". And so I just sit and think about how I am not getting better or I don't think at all. 

I feel this may be a good time to turn my blog into somewhat of a community of people talking about their struggles with this because there is so much that people don't understand or refuse to believe. 

We all know that the world is becoming much more "accepting" of mental disorders, I use the word accepting very loosely because I don't think the world is accepting of it at all. The better word to use would be "aware" but even that word only works to an extent. If you don't know what I mean by this I mean that almost everyone knows what depression is. But the truth of the matter is, most of those people haven't a clue. They have an idea of what it is, which probably revolves around someone being very sad. Or not wanting to do things anymore, or gaining weight. While all these things are very much a reality of the disease, it is by no means all of it. Let me give you an example, I have been at my current job for over a year and I have learned what the average person might have learned in 3 months. This is because my attention skills aren't there. AT ALL. For the past year my anxiety level has been so high that I honestly feel I have no control over my life. Additionally, I have depression. If you yourself suffer from depression you I am sure are aware, maybe even personally, that depression can come in waves. I don't mean in the sense of Bipolar depression (which if you didn't know is when a person experiences levels of extreme high and lows, lows meaning horrible depression, highs meaning incredible happiness) I do not personally have Bipolar depression so I can not give you straight up facts about the disease, other than this is something numerous people I know who have been diagnosed with Bipolar have told me they experience. I also know that there are two kinds of Bipolar but am not entirely informed about which is which so I'm not going to start making guesses. Point of that separate tangent, was to make you aware of what I meant when I said depression comes in waves, which brings me back to what I was originally stating..in that depression can be much worse certain days than it is others. For me, it will never go away. Even on days when I am laughing so hard I can't breath or have just spent a whole day with a friend or shit even when I'm on vacation, it doesn't matter. It is still there. It is still this grey ora around everything and everyone around all my thoughts, all my feelings and it will. not. leave. That being said there are days when it is much much worse. Days where I feel like an empty shell. Days where the only thing keeping me from ending everything is knowing, "this day will pass" and I do the only thing I can think of doing which is sleep. I sleep way too often to rid myself of way too many hours of emptiness that I simply can not deal with. 

When I say people are not accepting I mean most people reading this without depression and even a good amount of people with it will be thinking "Well she isn't trying hard enough or She doesn't want it enough. She should be on medication, She should talk to someone" And on and on..Well guess what, I am trying, I do want it enough, I am on medication and I have a therapist. And it simply isn't enough. This will be hard for a lot of people to understand and even more so with people who are also suffering because those certain people with depression who can't understand are doing better, with the aid of one or a combination of the things mentioned. But as I just stated for some not even all these things combined do a damn fucking thing. This is hard to understand, I get that because it's hard for me to understand and I've been dealing with it for years. 

I am suicidal I think about dying all the time. I think things would be a lot better if I were't here, not only for myself but for everyone who knows me. That being said, I genuinely believe I will not end my life, and everyone reading this in a similar situation shouldn't either. I am not going to sit here and type out a lie about how I know things will get better. I do know for some of you though, you've got a decent shot. SO MANY people with Depression have gotten rid of there depression or significantly reduced it with help, and there is a damn good shot you will too. However I also know there are a select few like me out there who may never get better (I'm not saying I know I never will, I'm still relatively young and hold onto the hope that I will overcome this) or will, from a positive standpoint, just have to deal with this for a number of years. To those people I say, there may never be a day where the emptiness is completely gone, however there will be plenty of days where you will be happy, and even though the emptiness may still be there hovering, the happiness and joy you experience in your life makes it more than worth it. So I say keep on pushing on. 

To anyone who needs to talk and is too afraid to speak out on their own, just message me I am a great listener and more than willing to read whatever it is you want to share. And even if it feels like no one cares, I'm telling you truthfully, I may have never seen your face or heard your voice. I may know absolutely nothing about you, but it doesn't matter because I love you. It doesn't matter all the reasons you have listed in your head as to why you're unlovable or shouldn't be loved. I love you. Because I genuinely believe every person in the world and every person reading this is a good person. 

<3

long time no see

There comes a time in everyones life I suppose where things begin to get out of control. Where you no longer feel you have a grasp on anything that is happening, when things don't feel real anymore because they could't possibly be this horrible! 

That's where I'm at right now, it has been a whirlwind the last seven months, none of which I feel I can discuss for reasons I also can not explain. 

Unfortunately this has put a hold on all other aspects of my life, as to be expected. 

17 people's best 2017 moments

Well it's that time again, a new year new me bullshit. Well I think we can all agree nothing can get much worse than 2016. And in order to provide proof of that statement, I've asked 17 people what their favorite part of this year, yes the whole two weeks of it, has been..you're welcome.

1. Kelly- So far for 2017 I can say that the best thing this year has to be that I received good news about my health. Being a two time cancer survivor I was worried when they told me something came up in my chest on an x-ray. Turns out it's just scar tissue. Thank God.

2. Janet- That grammy is so excited about her 90th birthday party.

3. Kara- Probably today. I left work early without any guilt of not being there. And I wasn't worried about losing money. I got a good lunch, went home to my nephews. Binge watched this new show i'm into and after dinner my nephews came back and we're sitting on the couch watching BFG. 

4. Rob- I got to see my best friends sister, who is also a great friend, get married to a great guy who I also served with.

5. Eva- Well nothing too crazy yet but I went to go see LaLa Land with my friends and I loved it. I'm usually not into stuff like that, but I thought it was great.

6. Brittney- So far I think my resolutions have helped. So my best thing is I can finally *drum roll please* go into a store alone. My first time was New Year's Eve. YAY! I'm super proud of myself to say I can do it alone so I never have to lean on people.

7. Lauren "lala"- The best day this year was probably this Tuesday. Nothing special happened it was still school, but it was probably the most I've ever laughed. Gym was so fun and we won in floor hockey. In biology we had a quiz that I did better on. Algebra was nothing special but Spanish was very fun. My friend and I kick each other's desks and I had the hiccups the whole class, which made people laugh as well as myself. During lunch two friends and I went to the bathroom during passing period. When we were walking back to class my one friend dragged her purse on the ground as if she was walking a dog and my other friend would bark while going along. It sounds stupid to say we enjoyed weird looks but we did. It was so funny and we all laughed until our stomachs hurt.

8. Chris- Compared to 2016, almost anything semi-good can happen and it'll be better. Like for instance, on New Year's Day, I got a fun sized starburst with two pink ones and already I knew that 2017 was better. I'd have to say the best part of 2017 so far is reuniting with old friends and the optimism of knowing that 2017 is going to be a year (for me personally) of starting off new and leaving people who don't belong in my life in 2016 where they belong.

9. Ashley- All the good vibes for a beautiful future!

10. Melissa- My apartment!

11. Nicole- Going to Mexico!

12. Matt- I got a phone call earlier today telling me I passed the test I had to take.

13. Lauren Rose- I signed up for weight watchers and I actually went out on New Years Eve instead of staying in.

14. Brittany- So far it would be becoming a worship leader with my boyfriend for our Church, and being able to do music again. Also deciding to be baptized on the 22nd.

15. Amy- My best is yet to come with a trip to Costa Rica starting Friday of next week!

16. Nikkole- I found out my friend is getting married and my other friend is buying her first house idk if that counts. I am also going back to school :)

17. Agnes- Well I think my favorite part of the year so far is today Evie had her first voluntary smile and it melted my heart :) She's 5 weeks old today!

lost

Being lost in your mind is an entirely different thing than being lost on the road. On the road you can

pay attention to things like street signs and landmarks, or if you're really in a pickle you can rely on

that creepy guy at the gas station to give you directions.


The mind is completely different. Your mind is that 12 foot tall bush maze from the shinning. Scary

shit, and I'm not talking about the twins. You're in a race from everything, from all the stress at home,

at work, with school, with friends and let's not forget from that crazy mother fucker with the axe.


It's hard to sit and relax when it's below zero in northern Oregon, Okay enough Steven King

references, point is you need you time. You can't keep traveling if you don't know where you're going

and there's only so many times you can visit that creepy man at the gas station.


I think everyone needs to focus on one thing a day and also set a weekly goal, that way they aren't

overwhelmed by the road map.


So let's say for examples sake you decide everyday "I am going to read a chapter in "said book"" and

for your weekly goal it would be to have read 7 chapters by Sunday, or for you wild risk takers, 8

chapters by Sunday because you don't live by the rules and fuck math.


Point is you can do it, I believe in you.

run run as fast as you can.

My room is like a metaphor for my life, messy unorganized and destroyed. It goes further than that, I am so anal about having everything be in a specific place that most things I just leave on the floor of on my bed scattered because that's better than putting it in a place it doesn't belong; and since it doesn't belong anywhere, on the floor it goes. 

I do nothing but work and when I'm not working I'm at the doctors. It never really ends and i'm not so sure what to do about it. 

I know I should try to take on small tasks at a time but still that doesn't seem to work either. 

It's hard to explain depression to people who don't have it but it is an endless emptiness that can not be explained. I want to make myself feel better I want to do things I think will make me happy, including hanging out with people or writing on this blog, but honestly it's difficult, everything seems difficult, even if to others it isn't, it is to me, everything is difficult. Writing this sentence is difficult. 

They give you medicine saying "here this will help" but when it doesn't you feel hopeless and empty because this was supposed to work, THIS was supposed to help! 

I feel like I'm running as fast as I can, but it doesn't really matter because I have nowhere to go and no destination in mind. 

This is a very depressing post but I am sure other people feel this way in their every day life as well and like they can't can't to anyone.