depression

Depression isn't like how they make it seem in the movies.  Another beautiful girl with light eyes who looks even more beautiful when she cries. It loves to highlight the "important " parts. The "big moments" where  a turning point happens that lets the audience know, oh yep, this is when she starts to develop depression, this is what caused it. In real life it doesn't work like that. There are some stories, where yes it starts in an instant. perhaps from a death or being fired, or a break up. But a lot of the time depression creeps up slowly, over time. Maybe that be from a disease, that unlike cancer  doesn't have the two options of death or remission, it just is. You will never get better, it will be a steady decline that will ultimately kill you unless something else does first.  (I am in no way saying cancer isn't bad. Cancer has taken from me two men in my life I cared for deeply. I am saying there are other diseases to shed light on them. The spot light has and always will be on cancer, but there are diseases that just like to take their time killing you. Like MS or what I have Type 1 diabetes. The list goes on and on though.) And maybe there is no reason at all that you have depression, you just do. 

It causes anger that you wish wasn't there. It causes you to pretend "you're busy" or "you're tired" when you're not. It is avoidance of everyone and then wonder at how they don't notice you are screaming for help. 

It is most of all pain. In the fact that you know it is there and only in your head, yet there is no way to get it out. I have tried therapy, medication, yoga, eating cleaner, it doesn't matter it doesn't go away. And no one seems to understand. 

I wish there was a way to wipe it away. 

My Depression is a result of my OCD

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

Look it up.  It's frightening. 

I have been on so much medication throughout the past few years, at waver signing doses and it has done nothing.   I feel my mind slipping away from me each day. 

brain fog

This is something very upsetting to talk about because it has changed my entire life. 

BRAIN FOG 

For those of you that do not know what it is, it is the inability to focus. It makes thinking about anything that isn't the simplest shit, incredibly difficult to do. 

Not only does it affect your life this way it makes life not actually worth living. 

I can't tell you the amount of times I have broken down in tears because I don't feel alive anymore. It is too difficult for me to do anything. 

I love to read, I love books more than anything. I used to be able to go through a novel a month. No i'm not kidding. And no I'm not one of those people (the worst kinds of people) who pretend they read fast but actually just skim through everything they try to tell you something didn't happen in a book when you know darn well it did. It's like the crappy human version of sparks notes. I actually would just spend hours a day reading. Recreational Reading. I loved it. But it has been over a month since I read. Because I will just keep reading the same sentence over and over and still have no fucking idea what is going on. 

I want to be a novelist, currently starting to write my book, and only after a few hundred words I'm mentally drained, to the point of tears. I used to be in writing classes where I could drop 500 words in less than an hour. Again, no I am not kidding. It is just something I am passionate about therefore I was really good at it. But now I am an empty shell. 

This is due to so many different things. One being my type 1 diabetes, that has single handedly ruined my life. And every time my sugar isn't normal, which is NEVER because as a type 1 your sugar is always going up and down and you just have to try to make the ups and downs not be so drastic, which isn't always the case. Anyway it makes me feel 90% of my life, like i've just been hit with a car. That may be a little dramatic, in realistic terms it makes me feel as if I haven't slept in 24 hours. I feel like this constantly. Add onto this the fact that my cat cries every morning to be fed at 5am and the fact that my personal sleep schedule doesn't allow me to fall asleep till 2-3 am, no matter what I do. It's been this way since I was a kid. 

On top of that the brain fog has gotten OUT OF CONTROL the past few months where I honestly feel dead all of the time. That being said I made a appointment with a neurologist who believes I am suffering from what is known as "silent migraines" I didn't even know that was a thing, but I looked it up and sure enough I am dealing with almost all of those symptoms including, inability to focus, body aches, slurred speech, short term memory issues, inability to understand speech, noise sensitivity (side note: I also have sensory processing disorder) and you guessed it brain fog. 
I was discussing this with someone I work with who suffers from debilitating constant migraines and sure enough our symptoms are almost identical, minus the fact that I have no pain in my head. I do however have pressure in my head daily, to which if you're not a headache or migraine sufferer you may think "isn't head pressure a headache". Answer is no, it is not. Head pressure feels like, well pressure, like your head is being gently squeezed or there is too much brain to fit in your skull. (don't confuse me saying that second part with people who have arnold kanari syndrome, which is very real and very painful where they LITERALLY do not have enough room for their brain in their skull) 
Head pressure is a very mild (at least I think of it as such, who knows maybe it's just because I'm used to it haha) constant annoyance. There is no actual "pain". 

Continuing on, I find it very difficult to live my life. It is very hard hearing people saying if I don't like my life to do something about it, to try to do something with my life, when in fact I AM. But that they don't deal with something that is so mentally debilitating. How am I supposed to write, or do anything for that fact, if I can't focus for shit? 

I'm writing this all here so I don't cry about the fact that I've just spent the last 20 minutes writing this instead of working on my book. 

Maybe someone reading this knows what I'm talking about or has similar diseases / experiences and can help me out? I would appreciate it more than you know. 

much love. 

CBD bath bombs

This is a random post that doesn't have much to do about my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder at all but just putting it out there because CBD has helped me tremendously with my anxiety disorder. 

Check it out...
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Obsessive Compulsive Disorder : It loves to ...

I have had this devil on my shoulder for almost a decade. 

It loves to tell me all the things I've ever done wrong and all the things I will never do right. 

It loves to remind me of every sinister thought I've ever had and how that deems me not a pure soul.

It loves to tell me the things I have done as a result of my Obsessions, are what will surely keep me out of heaven. Will have the golden gate remain locked as God comes to examine my hands and then tells me that I am not "good enough" to enter. 

It loves to tell me because of what I have done I shouldn't bother being a mother because I will surely ruin their lives. 

It loves to tell me that my boyfriend doesn't deserve the pain of being with me. The additional unknown guilt of being beside me. 

It loves to tell me I am an imposter a fake, a really fantastic fucking actress for being able to pretend I'm a decent human being and not a monster. 

It loves to tell me that 98% of people who live with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder never act on their thoughts. 

It loves to tell me I was too weak to handle that. I didn't last 2 years without believing I was a sociopath and because of that had to "prove" it to myself. 

It loves to tell me I should have seeked help earlier and I wouldn't be in this mess. 

It loves to tell me I did this to myself and therefore everything that comes to me, including me being sent to hell is something I no doubt deserve. 

It loves to tell me that God was probably aware I was going to become a monster and because of that made my punishment be all the incurable, non preventable, non genetic, fucking falling from the air diseases I deal with. 

It loves to tell me the only thing I'm good at is pretending that this isn't eating me apart every second of every day. 

It has formed me into a machine of fake smiles and common motions. 

It has made me so aware. 

More aware of everything and everyone than I ever imagined possible. 

and so it is

unfortunately as it is with most things, I've run into a bit of bad luck. 
I've mad a website on WIX that is unable to show me the comments and likes people have left. Therefore I am going to be doing everything on here from now on. 

I do apologize about that. As I have mentioned in the nOCD app. 

This blog I have written in here and there over the last few years and am now going to be doing a bit of remodeling and making it into a blog about Obsessive Compulsive Disorder as the other website was intended to be.

As mentioned there I want this to be a place where I can talk about my hardships regarding this debilitating disorder, but not only that I want this to be a place where everyone can discuss how this monster of a disease is effecting them. This isn't just my place, I want it to be a place for us all. 
We are all fighting together.

And I am rooting for us all. 

Much love <3 

Mind Fog

Mind Fog.

This may be confusing to understand if you yourself don't suffer frog mind fog, because it is quite difficult to understand. 

I myself suffer horribly from this, whatever it may be and I can't exactly put it into words for my doctor because I truly do not understand it myself. 

I was prescribed adderall after convincing my doctor I needed it. She kept trying to tell me I probably didn't need it and that I wasn't exactly qualified but I insured her that something was just not right. 

I have trouble concentrating on ANYTHING even things I enjoy doing, which makes life very confusing because if you no longer can keep focus on things you "enjoy" do you really enjoy them? 

A good portion of this probably has to do with my depression because I can't seem to find joy in anything and it's hard to get yourself out of that. People say "do something you like to do" Well Debra I CAN'T because my attention span is roughly 20 seconds of focus at a time. 

I also suffer from horrible depersonalization, which if you don't know what that is, the easiest way to describe it is being trapped in your own body. 

You can't really feel anything, you don't have any connection to anyone and you truly don't care, because this isn't real anyway. You are in a movie and everyone is acting and you can't let them know that you know it's all a script so you just do what you "know" is the right thing to do in the moment. If everyone is laughing over a joke, you join in, if people are crying over a tragedy you cry too, and so on and so forth and this makes the whole ordeal a lot worse. 

and this is the reason I need Adderall. Thing is though, I am horrible at taking my pills. That sounds like such a lame ass excuse but truth is it isn't. 

You see without it I don't seem to care about anything and my memory is non existent so when I ran out I kept forgetting to get them refilled and now I'm at the point where I don't know if I can get them because I can't exactly afford to go to the doctor right now. 

I am hoping there is someone reading this that knows what I'm talking about.

After taking it the relief was almost immediate.

I could remember things, I was focused I was happy. It made everything easier, life was easier. 

That isn't to say it didn't come with side effects, like debilitating headaches or feelings like I was going to jump out of my skin, but I don't know maybe those things are worth feeling?

life hacks

I have absolutely horrible anxiety. 

So much so in fact I have chosen to write this post in the smallest possible font. How do these two correlate you wonder?

I am sitting in the library and there is one section with 6 rectangular tables, 2 rows of three. 

And I was sitting here all by myself until someone comes up and decides of ALL the fucking places to sit, he's going to do it right behind me.

I am having a constant feeling of being watched, that he is looking at what I'm typing and what I'm doing and chances are I could be imagining it, but you know how you know someone is watching you and you turn and see they are because your instincts are never wrong? Same thing happening here. 

Whenever people get too close to me when there are so many other places for them to sit my anxiety reaches an all time high, and so does my anger. 

It's like when you're at the movie theater and there is basically no one there and you and your friend think, oh this will be nice. Till one middle aged moron comes up and picks the seat right next to you. I don't get it, why would they want to be that close to someone they don't even know?

Lately I've been having horrible anxiety and I feel as if I've fallen down a hole and every time I try to claw my way out, because no, there isn't a rope, I just end up pulling more dirt over my face. 

I wish I could relax, but that's kind of difficult when you don't have a job and have to go into hiding during the hours you should be at work. 

I feel overwhelmed approximately 200% of the time. 

I wish I could see my therapist to talk to someone so I don't complete lose my mind but I don't have any money and she isn't covered by insurance, which I was living without up until 3 days ago. This has been the worst year and a half of my entire fucking life and of course that's the time I can't see my doctor. 

When it rains, it fucking pours. That's all I'm saying. 

I try to be funny about the whole thing, try to find humor in my misery. Is there such a thing? All the comedians say so. 

I have been trying really hard to get my etsy shop running, but apparently people don't want to buy a semi decently made scarf from a girl on the outskirts of the chi when they could just order one from amazon. 

I'm about to throw down some life hacks you guys so you can live the best wonderfully shitty life you never thought possible. 

number 1. 

Anytime Shit is Getting Too Hard to handle, don't.

I am talking fully blown out DENIAL people! 

Got laundry to fold? Dishes to put away? So do I. And I say Fuck it and you should too. 

Go put on pajama pants sit your ass down and turn on netflix. Because chances are whether you did those things or not, it will still be there tomorrow. Meaning even if you put that china in the cabinet and the undies in the drawer, there will be new dishes and new laundry to be put away tomorrow! Why overwhelm yourself when you could be nothing instead? Isn't that better?

number 2. 

Marry Rich. 

Now this one's my favorite because you can just put down all the life goals you ever had for yourself!

Why worry about what school you're going to get into when you could be worrying about yacht you could by?

Speaking of yacht, that brings me to my third life hack.

number 3.

Buy a Fucking Island, because people are fucking annoying. 

What better way to say fuck off to that great aunt who always comments about your life "oh darling when are you going to find a career?" than to completely remove her from your life, by buying an island and not telling anyone. You don't have to worry about anything on this island! Not work, Not school, and certainly not Clothes.

I hope this post makes everyone reading feel better about their life than I do about mine. 

Hurrah 

Good Day.