type 1 unclassified

When I was first diagnosed I had all the symptoms, unexplained weight loss, extreme thirst, excess urination. Still to this day baffles me how I continued to be sick for almost 7 months before i was diagnosed. It takes 1 blood test to find out you have diabetes. 

I went to the doctor at least 4 times during this period. No one suspecting a thing, in fact they suggested my parents bring me to a shrink because I was making it up for attention. 

I remember being terrified. Knowing I was dying and no one believed me. There are few things as frightening as knowing you’re dying and people telling you you’re lying. I remember I had this pair of abercrombie corduroy jeans which I loved and I gotten for Christmas. It was late April at this point and I had just worn the pants a few days before and they were back in my room clean and hung up. They fit me snug before the wash and I vividly remember zipping them then buttoning and letting go and having them fall to my feet. In the amount of days it took my mom to do the laundry (it couldn’t have been more than a week) I had went from 87 pounds to 63. I remember shaking and crying from fear and coming to my mother to tell her I knew I was dying. 

I then went back to the doctor where they finally (with their lack of intelligence it’s really a miracle they thought of it at all) decided to draw my blood and test me for a panel of diseases. 

On Friday April 29th 2005 I was visiting my mom at work; drinking a slush (oh the irony) when my moms boss ran up to her with the work phone; cordless phones were all the rage back then . 

Her boss looked terrified and I immediately knew it was something relating to me and my health. My moms face on the phone call was blank. 

I don’t remember who told me 

“You have diabetes” 

I just remember it was one of my parents. 

I will forever hate that, the fact that I wasn’t told by medical professionals. They told my mom that I needed to go to the hospital right away that they had a room set up for me. 

Upon arriving at the hospital we shortly learned my blood sugar was 998. To give you some numerous for comparison sake, 75-100 is normal. I remember them constantly coming in the room, shot after shot, finger pricks and syringes poking me everywhere all hours day and night. 

At one point my dad was getting heated and going back and forth with my mom asking “why do they need to keep poking her!” “Too many shot” “I’m going to yell at them to stop this is getting out of hand” 

The next time a nurse came in she (surprise) gave me another injection. He stood up from where he was seated on the bench beneath the window across from the bed. He angrily asked her why there were so many shots and that he wasn’t going to let them keeping doing this to me. 

He asked infuriated “when is this going to stop?!”

I will forever remember the nurses face as the blood drained from out of it. She was very uncomfortable about the fact that no one had said anything to use and she would have to be the one. 

She looked at me sadly; 

“Never” she answered. 

I have since had given myself over 2,000 injections 

And 29,000 finger pricks 

Type 1 diabetes. What is it? 

An autoimmune disease in which a persons own body attacks the beta cells inside the pancreas. You have a 1 in 20 chance of getting it if you have a parent with type 1; a 1 in 300 chance if you do not. I am the latter. 

I have been diabetic for 14 years 6 months and 2 days. That’s a long time to be sick. A majority of the world assumes you start to get used to it, because they do. That the highs that make you confused and lethargic, that cause you to call off work, call off plans you’ve had for months, aren’t so bad because you’re used to it. The lows that make you and everyone around you have to stop what they’re doing to get you something with sugar, that cause you to be sitting in the break room for the fifth time in one shift aren’t so bad because you’re used to it. That the comments people whisper about you “what’s that on her arm?” or the outright remarks to your face from strangers telling you “that’s what you get for eating badly!” don’t get to you because you’re used to it. That your entire intermediate and extended family know little to nothing about it, that you have to explain to people multiple times a week what it is. And the fact that you feel like constant shit every day of your life and will have to for the rest of your life isn’t so bad because you’re used to it. 

I can’t speak on behalf of every type 1. Certainly not those lucky ones who seem to have an eery amount of control over their blood sugar. But a good majority of us are certainly not “used to it” in fact i’d say quite the opposite. The continuing of days turned into years of dealing with the same shit is daunting. For a long time, I’d say 10 years, with this disease I had bad days. bad weeks sure, but on the whole I was “okay”. It’s because I held onto this hope that one day I would be better. That I wouldn’t have this forever, not for always. And then one day it hit me. I will never get better. I will only continue to get worse. And that my friends was the beginning of my spiraling depression. 

“Chronically ill depression” is a term used to describe exactly that. When you are depressed because you are sick and will never get better. 

My diabetes has never been “controlled” I like to use this term loosely because using it implies that it is someone’s job to control it. Regarding this, things can be tricky. Yes there are certain things you should do, but that doesn’t guarantee that it will work, that it will be “controlled”.

Let’s break some things down to better explain how to reach some level of control:

-There are two types of insulin- long acting and short acting. 

Long acting is released slowly throughout the day (because yes, contrary to most belief, type 1’s need insulin at all times because insulin does more than convert carbs into energy for your body to use) Short acting is to cover the food you consume or simply because of your blood sugar being high. 

-If you are on an insulin pump there are two terms used-basal and bolus. 

Basal rate is similar to “long acting insulin” as in it does the same job. However it is not different insulin. On an insulin pump you only use short acting insulin. But like mentioned before you constantly need insulin in the body. The insulin pump is programmed to release a certain amount of insulin every hour; the basal. 

The bolus is the amount of insulin you receive to cover a “high” (high blood sugar) or carbs you are about to consume. Fun fact: there is nothing I would be able to eat and not give myself insulin for. Even if I ate strictly vegetables and never needed to bolus (highly unlikely) I would still need a basal rate. 

Seems simple enough. And by simple I don’t actually mean simple. I mean a pain in the arse. However if tried by working with your doctor, most can come up with the correct amount of basal and bolus, or long term and short term insulin. 

But what do you do if they can’t? 

What do you do if you’ve been to more than 8 endocrinologists over the past 14 years and no one knows what to do? 

You take your fine ass to Mayo Clinic. 

I’ve decided to reboot my blog and talk all about my illness and trying to get a hold of it. 

bath bomb sale

Can't sleep, when is that not the case, also it is freezing in my house, temperature has made such a drastic change in such a short amount of time.

A lot of the reason I can't sleep is my anxiety, rearing its ugly little head once again, but when is that not the case? It seems it is getting a lot worse recently though because I want so bad to do something different with my life. But life seems to be at a stand still per usual.
This is turning into a sappy little post which was not, I promise you, my intention at all.
In fact, the reason why I was posting at all, besides the fact that I can't sleep is I thought maybe some of you might be interested?
I run a small business, that is of making CBD infused Bath bombs, mostly for people who experience, like myself, high levels of anxiety but want to take the hippy dippy route, and not use medicine. Also works great for people with pain issues, such as MS, Diabetes, various degrees of Arthritis, such as RA. Even things you wouldn't think like a Polycystic Kidney Disease (PKD) flare up. (I know, because I have this) Or even for just that special (puke) time of the month. List goes on and on.
They are great for stocking stuffers, or little gifts when you don't know what to get someone (hahah we've all been there. Give them this instead of a candle like you (or I do) every year.

Each bath bomb has 35mg of CBD.
They are made with all natural ingredients.
The ones shown are our most popular scents.
There are also going to be more christmas scents to come. One of which we released early...

The price is roughly $15 dollars, but there is a sale currently going on, that the next ten people to order will receive 10% off their next order. Which means if you order one your price is $13.50 but if you order two, your price is $27 instead of $30. So obviously the more you buy, the higher the percentage off. Some of you may be like, yea lana I can do math. This is 3rd grade shit.
I hear you but some of us are mathematically impaired, and I'm helping these people out.

If you would like to place an order, go on Instagram at Soak_co. Impossible to miss, because it has on the page the photos I've shown above.
If you do not have an Instagram but would still like to place an order, leave a comment under this blog post.

much love <3

depression

Depression isn't like how they make it seem in the movies.  Another beautiful girl with light eyes who looks even more beautiful when she cries. It loves to highlight the "important " parts. The "big moments" where  a turning point happens that lets the audience know, oh yep, this is when she starts to develop depression, this is what caused it. In real life it doesn't work like that. There are some stories, where yes it starts in an instant. perhaps from a death or being fired, or a break up. But a lot of the time depression creeps up slowly, over time. Maybe that be from a disease, that unlike cancer  doesn't have the two options of death or remission, it just is. You will never get better, it will be a steady decline that will ultimately kill you unless something else does first.  (I am in no way saying cancer isn't bad. Cancer has taken from me two men in my life I cared for deeply. I am saying there are other diseases to shed light on them. The spot light has and always will be on cancer, but there are diseases that just like to take their time killing you. Like MS or what I have Type 1 diabetes. The list goes on and on though.) And maybe there is no reason at all that you have depression, you just do. 

It causes anger that you wish wasn't there. It causes you to pretend "you're busy" or "you're tired" when you're not. It is avoidance of everyone and then wonder at how they don't notice you are screaming for help. 

It is most of all pain. In the fact that you know it is there and only in your head, yet there is no way to get it out. I have tried therapy, medication, yoga, eating cleaner, it doesn't matter it doesn't go away. And no one seems to understand. 

I wish there was a way to wipe it away. 

My Depression is a result of my OCD

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

Look it up.  It's frightening. 

I have been on so much medication throughout the past few years, at waver signing doses and it has done nothing.   I feel my mind slipping away from me each day. 

brain fog

This is something very upsetting to talk about because it has changed my entire life. 

BRAIN FOG 

For those of you that do not know what it is, it is the inability to focus. It makes thinking about anything that isn't the simplest shit, incredibly difficult to do. 

Not only does it affect your life this way it makes life not actually worth living. 

I can't tell you the amount of times I have broken down in tears because I don't feel alive anymore. It is too difficult for me to do anything. 

I love to read, I love books more than anything. I used to be able to go through a novel a month. No i'm not kidding. And no I'm not one of those people (the worst kinds of people) who pretend they read fast but actually just skim through everything they try to tell you something didn't happen in a book when you know darn well it did. It's like the crappy human version of sparks notes. I actually would just spend hours a day reading. Recreational Reading. I loved it. But it has been over a month since I read. Because I will just keep reading the same sentence over and over and still have no fucking idea what is going on. 

I want to be a novelist, currently starting to write my book, and only after a few hundred words I'm mentally drained, to the point of tears. I used to be in writing classes where I could drop 500 words in less than an hour. Again, no I am not kidding. It is just something I am passionate about therefore I was really good at it. But now I am an empty shell. 

This is due to so many different things. One being my type 1 diabetes, that has single handedly ruined my life. And every time my sugar isn't normal, which is NEVER because as a type 1 your sugar is always going up and down and you just have to try to make the ups and downs not be so drastic, which isn't always the case. Anyway it makes me feel 90% of my life, like i've just been hit with a car. That may be a little dramatic, in realistic terms it makes me feel as if I haven't slept in 24 hours. I feel like this constantly. Add onto this the fact that my cat cries every morning to be fed at 5am and the fact that my personal sleep schedule doesn't allow me to fall asleep till 2-3 am, no matter what I do. It's been this way since I was a kid. 

On top of that the brain fog has gotten OUT OF CONTROL the past few months where I honestly feel dead all of the time. That being said I made a appointment with a neurologist who believes I am suffering from what is known as "silent migraines" I didn't even know that was a thing, but I looked it up and sure enough I am dealing with almost all of those symptoms including, inability to focus, body aches, slurred speech, short term memory issues, inability to understand speech, noise sensitivity (side note: I also have sensory processing disorder) and you guessed it brain fog. 
I was discussing this with someone I work with who suffers from debilitating constant migraines and sure enough our symptoms are almost identical, minus the fact that I have no pain in my head. I do however have pressure in my head daily, to which if you're not a headache or migraine sufferer you may think "isn't head pressure a headache". Answer is no, it is not. Head pressure feels like, well pressure, like your head is being gently squeezed or there is too much brain to fit in your skull. (don't confuse me saying that second part with people who have arnold kanari syndrome, which is very real and very painful where they LITERALLY do not have enough room for their brain in their skull) 
Head pressure is a very mild (at least I think of it as such, who knows maybe it's just because I'm used to it haha) constant annoyance. There is no actual "pain". 

Continuing on, I find it very difficult to live my life. It is very hard hearing people saying if I don't like my life to do something about it, to try to do something with my life, when in fact I AM. But that they don't deal with something that is so mentally debilitating. How am I supposed to write, or do anything for that fact, if I can't focus for shit? 

I'm writing this all here so I don't cry about the fact that I've just spent the last 20 minutes writing this instead of working on my book. 

Maybe someone reading this knows what I'm talking about or has similar diseases / experiences and can help me out? I would appreciate it more than you know. 

much love. 

CBD bath bombs

This is a random post that doesn't have much to do about my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder at all but just putting it out there because CBD has helped me tremendously with my anxiety disorder. 

Check it out...
soak_co on instagram.
SOAK beauty, cosmetic & personal care 

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder : It loves to ...

I have had this devil on my shoulder for almost a decade. 

It loves to tell me all the things I've ever done wrong and all the things I will never do right. 

It loves to remind me of every sinister thought I've ever had and how that deems me not a pure soul.

It loves to tell me the things I have done as a result of my Obsessions, are what will surely keep me out of heaven. Will have the golden gate remain locked as God comes to examine my hands and then tells me that I am not "good enough" to enter. 

It loves to tell me because of what I have done I shouldn't bother being a mother because I will surely ruin their lives. 

It loves to tell me that my boyfriend doesn't deserve the pain of being with me. The additional unknown guilt of being beside me. 

It loves to tell me I am an imposter a fake, a really fantastic fucking actress for being able to pretend I'm a decent human being and not a monster. 

It loves to tell me that 98% of people who live with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder never act on their thoughts. 

It loves to tell me I was too weak to handle that. I didn't last 2 years without believing I was a sociopath and because of that had to "prove" it to myself. 

It loves to tell me I should have seeked help earlier and I wouldn't be in this mess. 

It loves to tell me I did this to myself and therefore everything that comes to me, including me being sent to hell is something I no doubt deserve. 

It loves to tell me that God was probably aware I was going to become a monster and because of that made my punishment be all the incurable, non preventable, non genetic, fucking falling from the air diseases I deal with. 

It loves to tell me the only thing I'm good at is pretending that this isn't eating me apart every second of every day. 

It has formed me into a machine of fake smiles and common motions. 

It has made me so aware. 

More aware of everything and everyone than I ever imagined possible. 

and so it is

unfortunately as it is with most things, I've run into a bit of bad luck. 
I've mad a website on WIX that is unable to show me the comments and likes people have left. Therefore I am going to be doing everything on here from now on. 

I do apologize about that. As I have mentioned in the nOCD app. 

This blog I have written in here and there over the last few years and am now going to be doing a bit of remodeling and making it into a blog about Obsessive Compulsive Disorder as the other website was intended to be.

As mentioned there I want this to be a place where I can talk about my hardships regarding this debilitating disorder, but not only that I want this to be a place where everyone can discuss how this monster of a disease is effecting them. This isn't just my place, I want it to be a place for us all. 
We are all fighting together.

And I am rooting for us all. 

Much love <3