long time no see

There comes a time in everyones life I suppose where things begin to get out of control. Where you no longer feel you have a grasp on anything that is happening, when things don't feel real anymore because they could't possibly be this horrible! 

That's where I'm at right now, it has been a whirlwind the last seven months, none of which I feel I can discuss for reasons I also can not explain. 

Unfortunately this has put a hold on all other aspects of my life, as to be expected. 

17 people's best 2017 moments

Well it's that time again, a new year new me bullshit. Well I think we can all agree nothing can get much worse than 2016. And in order to provide proof of that statement, I've asked 17 people what their favorite part of this year, yes the whole two weeks of it, has been..you're welcome.

1. Kelly- So far for 2017 I can say that the best thing this year has to be that I received good news about my health. Being a two time cancer survivor I was worried when they told me something came up in my chest on an x-ray. Turns out it's just scar tissue. Thank God.

2. Janet- That grammy is so excited about her 90th birthday party.

3. Kara- Probably today. I left work early without any guilt of not being there. And I wasn't worried about losing money. I got a good lunch, went home to my nephews. Binge watched this new show i'm into and after dinner my nephews came back and we're sitting on the couch watching BFG. 

4. Rob- I got to see my best friends sister, who is also a great friend, get married to a great guy who I also served with.

5. Eva- Well nothing too crazy yet but I went to go see LaLa Land with my friends and I loved it. I'm usually not into stuff like that, but I thought it was great.

6. Brittney- So far I think my resolutions have helped. So my best thing is I can finally *drum roll please* go into a store alone. My first time was New Year's Eve. YAY! I'm super proud of myself to say I can do it alone so I never have to lean on people.

7. Lauren "lala"- The best day this year was probably this Tuesday. Nothing special happened it was still school, but it was probably the most I've ever laughed. Gym was so fun and we won in floor hockey. In biology we had a quiz that I did better on. Algebra was nothing special but Spanish was very fun. My friend and I kick each other's desks and I had the hiccups the whole class, which made people laugh as well as myself. During lunch two friends and I went to the bathroom during passing period. When we were walking back to class my one friend dragged her purse on the ground as if she was walking a dog and my other friend would bark while going along. It sounds stupid to say we enjoyed weird looks but we did. It was so funny and we all laughed until our stomachs hurt.

8. Chris- Compared to 2016, almost anything semi-good can happen and it'll be better. Like for instance, on New Year's Day, I got a fun sized starburst with two pink ones and already I knew that 2017 was better. I'd have to say the best part of 2017 so far is reuniting with old friends and the optimism of knowing that 2017 is going to be a year (for me personally) of starting off new and leaving people who don't belong in my life in 2016 where they belong.

9. Ashley- All the good vibes for a beautiful future!

10. Melissa- My apartment!

11. Nicole- Going to Mexico!

12. Matt- I got a phone call earlier today telling me I passed the test I had to take.

13. Lauren Rose- I signed up for weight watchers and I actually went out on New Years Eve instead of staying in.

14. Brittany- So far it would be becoming a worship leader with my boyfriend for our Church, and being able to do music again. Also deciding to be baptized on the 22nd.

15. Amy- My best is yet to come with a trip to Costa Rica starting Friday of next week!

16. Nikkole- I found out my friend is getting married and my other friend is buying her first house idk if that counts. I am also going back to school :)

17. Agnes- Well I think my favorite part of the year so far is today Evie had her first voluntary smile and it melted my heart :) She's 5 weeks old today!

lost

Being lost in your mind is an entirely different thing than being lost on the road. On the road you can

pay attention to things like street signs and landmarks, or if you're really in a pickle you can rely on

that creepy guy at the gas station to give you directions.


The mind is completely different. Your mind is that 12 foot tall bush maze from the shinning. Scary

shit, and I'm not talking about the twins. You're in a race from everything, from all the stress at home,

at work, with school, with friends and let's not forget from that crazy mother fucker with the axe.


It's hard to sit and relax when it's below zero in northern Oregon, Okay enough Steven King

references, point is you need you time. You can't keep traveling if you don't know where you're going

and there's only so many times you can visit that creepy man at the gas station.


I think everyone needs to focus on one thing a day and also set a weekly goal, that way they aren't

overwhelmed by the road map.


So let's say for examples sake you decide everyday "I am going to read a chapter in "said book"" and

for your weekly goal it would be to have read 7 chapters by Sunday, or for you wild risk takers, 8

chapters by Sunday because you don't live by the rules and fuck math.


Point is you can do it, I believe in you.

run run as fast as you can.

My room is like a metaphor for my life, messy unorganized and destroyed. It goes further than that, I am so anal about having everything be in a specific place that most things I just leave on the floor of on my bed scattered because that's better than putting it in a place it doesn't belong; and since it doesn't belong anywhere, on the floor it goes. 

I do nothing but work and when I'm not working I'm at the doctors. It never really ends and i'm not so sure what to do about it. 

I know I should try to take on small tasks at a time but still that doesn't seem to work either. 

It's hard to explain depression to people who don't have it but it is an endless emptiness that can not be explained. I want to make myself feel better I want to do things I think will make me happy, including hanging out with people or writing on this blog, but honestly it's difficult, everything seems difficult, even if to others it isn't, it is to me, everything is difficult. Writing this sentence is difficult. 

They give you medicine saying "here this will help" but when it doesn't you feel hopeless and empty because this was supposed to work, THIS was supposed to help! 

I feel like I'm running as fast as I can, but it doesn't really matter because I have nowhere to go and no destination in mind. 

This is a very depressing post but I am sure other people feel this way in their every day life as well and like they can't can't to anyone. 

Gilmore Girls

COFFEE COFFEE COFFEE

I have loved the Gilmore Girls since the beginning.
I have sung that theme song more times than I can count, I have been there every time Lorelai smelled snow, Rory talked about a book, Ms. Patty sexually harassed someone and kirk started a new job.

There is no relationship quite like that between Lorelai and Rory. 

The town is somewhere near Connecticut and right in the middle of bat shit crazy. Everyone is strangely connected to one another, and in everyone's business 150% of the time. The thing I never quite got was how much EVERYONE loved Rory. Don't get me wrong she was a great kid, but that line was used too much of the time "Rory is a great kid" and "she is the kindest kid" which frankly, she wasn't. Especially when it came down to the part where she slept with her married ex boyfriend Dean. um I'm sorry WHAT?!  I guess that's what Lorelai meant when she said "I'm afraid that once your hearts involved, it all comes out in moron." 
Okay and while we're on the subject of Rory's far from perfect personality, let us talk about how the whole series she is this driven girl, thinks of nothing but Harvard and being a journalist, does all her homework Friday night so that she can do extra credit on Saturday and Sunday. Yet one person tells her she doesn't have what it takes and her whole world comes crashing down?! and everyone is on her side, as said Richard Gilmore to Mitchum Huntzberger, "You crushed that girl!" oh boo hoo cry me a fucking river. Does she have any idea how lucky she is to be in the situation she is? to even be going to that school? To get that internship (or whatever the heck it was), to have all the opportunities she's had? Weird thing is, she is a person who should know because for the majority of her life she had nothing! Until she was 7 or 12 (depends on which episode you're watching hahaa) she lived in a garden shed with her mother. Yet now she's a broken entitled little shit. 
oh Jesus Gilmore Girls a year in the life has made me hate her more than I ever thought possible, and it's so sad because as far as fictional characters go, I do love her, she's up there with the best right next to Glen from walking dead and Carrie from sex and the city.  Must be because I spent so much of my life watching the episodes this week, I spent so much time with her I wasn't given any other choice but to love her, which I'm guessing is similar to the feelings Lorelai felt when she had to deal with all of this all of the time. 

I miss the Rory from the first two seasons, Lorelai however is a different situation because I feel she actually grew as a person, she matured, and thank you lord so did her clothing. I always felt the relationship between Lorelai and her parents, specifically her parents was hard to watch. Did I think Richard and Emily were difficult and overbearing? Yes of course I did, but they were her parents, it's part of their DNA to care. Her attitude towards them was insane especially considering all she put them through, and seriously, just leaving to live in a garden shed (refer above) and her parents never go to try and find her and bring her back home? In some episodes it discusses this saying that Emily tried to find them. However, in the very first episode Richard, Emily and Rory joke about Lorelai visiting her parents and it not being some holiday, such as Christmas or Easter, meaning even if very seldomly, they were in each others life. Which makes me think, oh hey, wouldn't Emily (the controlling overbaring Emily we know and love) want to know everything about where her daughter and granddaughter were staying?! Conversation I would like to imagine went a little something like...
"So Lorelai tell me where have you been the last six months"
"oh you know here and there"
"no, I really can't say I know where here and there is, mind being a little more specific"
"I like in a garden shed mom"
to which Emily flips a table and then chains Lorelai to the living room chair where she lives the rest of her life until we pick up in the first episode. 

The thing that irritates me more than anything is where Gilmore Girls a Year in the Life  picks up. Rory is 32 years old, has graduated valedictorian from Chilton, Graduated top of her class from Yale, started working with Obama (or something it never went into detail on that). And yet, she's homeless.(?!?) you know except for that inheritance money she's spending flying to and from London to sleep with her engaged Ex (bringing back some Dean memories). She has a boyfriend of three something years that she doesn't talk to and then sleeps with some guy in wooky costume. Talk about taking 1 step forward, 15 back.

Then we have Luke and Lorelai's situation, HOW can this still be a situation?! They've been dating for 9 years and haven't gotten married?! I know that the producers and writers and directors and everyone involved wouldn't have wanted that to happen without the audience being a part of it, and that may have made "some" sense had the return been 5 years from the finale and not 10. This just makes their relationship seem weak. (think the part where Lorelai offers to help Luke with money for April and he completely shuts her down and she just sits there on the couch afraid to say anything) um..if this is someone you've spent 9 years with and someone who truly loves you, then you wouldn't be afraid to state your opinion without it jeopardizing the relationship. 

Then we have the last four words, and OH MY GOD RORY! 
I imagined pushing her into the lake just like Luke did with Jess. 

This is mostly a rant, I really do love the Gilmore Girls and I really do think their relationship is beautiful and I love their flaws because it makes them seem human but some things make them seem too far from any normal person to relate to. Probably has something to do with them eating out every day for every meal and never running broke or ever getting any health issues. 

clogged pores and a clogged mind

I am 25 years old. I first started getting pimples when I was in 7th grade just here and there. Then BAM! junior year of high school my face exploded. For no reason, wasn't particularly stressed out, didn't go on a new diet, didn't start taking any weird drugs, nothing. Just surprise! Puberty. I obviously was less than thrilled but I figured hey, not a big deal, it will pass, I mean that's what everyone told me, "everyone goes through this, it will clear up in a few years" HAHAHA yep nine years later and it's still here. no wait, not even just still here. It's getting worse. HOW?! I've been to the doctor about it and to the dermatologist. I have tried multiple 3 step systems, murad, clinique, acne free,acne.org. I have tried spot treatments, I have been on antibiotics, topical and oral treatments (including doxycycline, which took my body a month to realize I was allergic to, and made my whole face swell, think will smith in hitch. Awful. Worse than that. So Yea, life of my skin has been going great. 
There have been points in my life when I have given up dairy, gluten, sugar, the list goes on and on and the effects have been none. I truly DO NOT understand this. 
Then I found out I could have something wrong with my colon, but wait, no, I nothing wrong with my colon in regard to dealing with my skin. 
But then I found out I could have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. 
I know this is this worst thing to hope I have but then again, if it helps my skin, it would be great. BLEH. I'm screaming inside! 

...well how about that.

This blog is going to be a bit of a ramble, but I was just watching a Youtube video and this girl, was saying that people think the world is what it is because of what they see, smell, taste, ect. But that in fact the senses are a lie, they are all a delusion to reality. I have to say I believe 100%. If it were possible to believe in something more than 100% this would be one of those things. People can spend their whole life thinking they will never be anything to anyone, that they will never amount to anything because no one believes they can but the truth is the only person who needs to believe it is yourself. Scratch that. You don't need to believe it you need to KNOW it. Know that you can do anything, and I mean really know it, not tell yourself you do, but truly reach the point where you know for a fact, that you can do anything and suddenly you'll be able to do just that. Everyone is capable of doing everything and everything they have ever wanted to do everything they were too afraid to try because they knew they would fail. The only thing holding everyone back is the IDEA. The idea that things are the way they are, but the weird, scary, amazing thing is things are never completely "the way they are". 

I honestly am having a hard time dealing with this myself because I can't concentrate on anything, things always seem to be so much simpler to everyone else but me, and maybe that's the truth. I'm not here to say that you don't or do have it worse than someone else. YOU know better than I or anyone for that matter, whether or not that's the truth. What I'm saying is, whether you have to work less or more than the next person to get what it is you need, you can do it all you have to do is make up your mind to do so. 

I feel so overwhelmed so much of the time, if I'm not working I'm nannying, if I'm not nannying I'm at the doctor, or setting up appointments for the doctor, or visiting family or seeing friends or staring into the abyss that is my room wondering when I will gather up enough courage to clean it. I am trying to see that I can do anything if I just try. I have self diagnosed myself with ADHD haha (not that their is anything humorous about ADHD, I am simply laughing at the fact that I am so certain I have it, without first asking a doctor) because apparently a lot of steps in different directions (i'm doing the cha cha slide over here) have to be done in order to figure out if in fact I do have it, and then an alternative route will have to be taken in furthering my studies in psychic abilities. 

Point of all this blabber is that I want people reading this to take a few moments every day to really think about how much they truly are in control of their life. Everything that told you, you couldn't is noise. Put in earplugs, you got this!