Reading Challenge.

Each year I make a new GoodReads reading challenge. A reading challenge, is basically at the beginning of every year you pick how many books you would like to complete before the year is up. Most years I achieve my goal, and to be honest, my goal is to finish more than I had planned on finishing. This year however isn't looking so wonderful, but I'm going to cut myself some slack because more than a few tragedies have happened this year, making it difficult to make time to read, let alone have the mental clarity to read. In any case I'm going to go through the books I've completed so far this year, along with all those completed last year and the year before. Here goes...

                                                           Reading Challenge 2015 - 8 books
                                                          

1. Plague - Michael Grant 
2. The Geography of Bliss: One Grumps Search for the Happiest Places in the World - Eric Weiner
3. Fear - Michael Grant
4. Light - Michael Grant 
5. The Selection - Kiera Cass
6. The Elite - Kiera Cass
7. The One - Kiera Cass
8. The Giver - Lois Lowry 

         
                                                           Reading Challenge 2016 - 10 books

1. Life is Short - Wear your Party Pants - Loretta LaRoche 
2. The Complete Life's Little Instruction Book - H. Jackson Brown Jr. 
3. Stuff White People Like: A Definitive Guide to the Unique Taste of Millions - Christian Lander
4. Matched - Ally Condie 
5. Crossed - Ally Condie
6. Reached - Ally Condie 
7. Perfume: The Story of a Murderer - Patrick Suskind 
8. The Summerhouse - Jude Deveraux 
9. Austenland - Shannon Hale 
10. Harry Potter and The Cursed Child (parts 1 & 2) - J. K. Rowling
11. Quidditch through the Ages - Kennelworthy Whisp 

                                                           Reading Challenge 2017 -12 books

1. Winter Solstice - Rosamunde Pilcher 
2. Secret Vampire - L. J. Smith 
3. Daughters of Darkness - L. J. Smith 
4. Spellbinder - L. J. Smith 
5. Dark Angel - L. J. Smith
6. Tuck Everlasting - Natalie Babbitt
7. Who is Jesus - Kathleen Long Bostrom
8. When Dad cuts down the Chestnut Tree - Pam Ayres

Those last two in the 2017 challenge are indeed children's books that I read and finished in less than five minutes. Normally I wouldn't put those into my reading list for the challenge, but this year I'm slacking with the finishing of the reading and need some help!

What Depression Feels Like...

Oh the constant empty void. 

Depression isn't something that feels the same, with each person it is going to be different. 

So in this post, I can only explain how it feels to myself. The things I endure. The pain it causes me. It is important to know that just because you don't feel the way I feel when you read this, don't think "Well I must not be depressed then because I don't feel that way." This simply isn't true. You just don't feel depressed the way I do, or the way any other person with depression feels. 

I need to also say, just because you haven't experience it, doesn't make it a lie. Doesn't make it any less horrific than it most certainly is. And just because you HAVE experienced it does not give you the right to try and say someone else isn't going about handling it correctly. There are a multitude of ways to handle it, again, none of which are the same for different people. And do not tell people who have depression, that it will get better that you know what they're going through because you don't. Unless you have the exact same kind of depression, the exact same reason or lack of reason to be depressed, the same people in your life supporting you or demeaning you, ect. You will never know how that person feels and so never know how or if that person will get better.

It has come to my understanding that a lot of people don't "get better" that it doesn't go away. Perhaps I have this viewpoint because I am one of those people. Does this mean I think you should end your life because it will never be the way it was? Absolutely not. I believe for this specific kind of depression, it is best to accept it and cover it. This sounds like ignoring it, throwing a blanket over it and trying to pretend it isn't happening, but that isn't what I mean. I mean cover it with good memories, with positive experiences. Going more into depth on that I mean that with depression it is often common to experience "good days" days where you are happy and experiencing life to the fullest. Outsiders may think this confirms their belief that you were never experiencing this "depression" how could you if you are happy? But we understand that even though we're happy there is an emptiness underneath that. 

The empty feeling, that eats you from the inside out is horrendous. A feeling that won't budge, that is always there, following you everywhere. It seems overbearing and impossible to truly have happy moments with this shadowing over you. I know however that it is possible. It is more than possible to enjoy things with this horrible sense of dread inside you. It is possible to live with it, and over time, no, most likely you won't "get better" but you get something greater than that. You get strength! A strength greater than most people will ever acquire, a strength that will follow you through every single day of your life. 

And you will probably always have the darkness behind the light, but only those who have truly seen the dark can realize how bright the light is. And you my friend are standing directly under the sun. 

Type 1 diabetes

For anyone who suffers from Type 1 Diabetes or Juvenile Diabetes then you understand the every day struggles. 

Not just the constant shots, making sure you give yourself the shot at the exact same time every day so you don't feel like shit, but who am I kidding, you're probably still going to feel like shit. 

It isn't exactly easier for pump users either. I know it seems this way to people without the disease, like " oh well now your life must be so much easier and your diabetes well managed". I remember my doctors telling me how much easier it would make life. 

Well I have an omnipod, which is basically like an insulin pump except the mechanics of the pump are in the tester and what is attached to your body is much more similar in size to one of those monitors ( I can't remember the name, but it keeps constant track of your blood sugar levels). 

To me personally this has been a huge change in my life, no more cord! Yes, removing that fucking cord has lifted unneeded stress from my life. 

I know that there are stupid things to buy to keep the pump in place on your leg, by using one of those stretchy band things, if you opted to wear a skirt or dress, but I remember using these often when I first transitioned to having a pump. I also remember how much it didn't fit and how uncomfortable it was and walking to the bathroom to secretly take it off without my parents knowledge so I could walk and sit without being jabbed in the leg repeatedly. This eventually resulted in me not wearing anything but pants. 

So for 3-4 YEARS I was a young female girl who could not wear anything but pants. 

I can vividly remember putting on a dress for the first time after getting the omnipod and beginning to cry because of how normal I felt. 

Back to my initial point, though the omnipod, (or insulin pumps of any kind) stop you from having to take schedules shots, it's not all sunshine. First off, the blood glucose testing doesn't stop, so you're taking just as many shots there. Additionally the other shots aren't gone forever, if all goes well, you still have to take one every three days. Again that's if nothing goes wrong, and everyone with diabetes knows that's NEVER happening. Some examples of this including, simply running out of insulin, it being a bad site, so no matter how much insulin you're administering, your blood sugar refuses to go down, and last but not least, my personal favorite, it just stops working. If that weren't bad enough it does this horrendous high pitched siren (or scream) that lasts eternally (or until you turn it off) that lets you know it has stopped. This is particularly awesome when it happens during an interview and you then have to stop talking about the job and mention your health issues, that you would have rathered they didn't know about, because if you don't they're going to think you left your phone on and set an alarm loud enough for your neighbors to hear because you can't get up otherwise, and that doesn't look like a good trait to have. 

I am sure I am going to be talking about this a lot more but the reason I am talking about it now is because I feel like crap, and there are a lot of days where I feel like crap. Maybe my blood sugar won't go down, maybe it won't go up, or my body is worn out from either constantly having it's blood sugar be a roller coaster of up and down, from 300-30 in a matter of fucking hours to constantly having synthetic shit pumped into it day in and day out. 

Reminder. 

I think this is important to note, in case you are reading this and don't have type 1 Diabetes, my numbers constantly being this out of control is not due to my lack of effort. 

I am not saying I do everything perfect, by no means, but how could I, I'm human. 

I'm just making it clear, I don't snack on cookies and candy. 

I check my sugar regularly, I am just under a lot of stress, and yes, if you didn't know, that plays a critical role in management. 

Everyone likes to play doctor when they find out I have this and I just want to say, to all of those people. 

THE ONLY WAY I WOULD HAVE NEAR PERFECT CONTROL, 

is to...

1. Eat nothing but Vegetables because that is the only thing with near zero carbohydrates, but watch out don't eat too much because it does have some. 

2. Check blood sugar every hour and hope you still have feeling in your finger tips 5 years from now

3. Quit your job and lose your friends so you can spend every additional minute that you're not eating your vegetables and testing your sugar, exercising. 

4. Lastly, give up being human. No I mean this in the most literal sense, because humans need carbohydrates to survive and you can't have those, and humans have emotions that can't be turned off, which effect blood sugar levels, so you can't have those. 

hahhahaa okay i'm done. 

winter scarves

So I have been making scarves lately and attempting to sell them on etsy and Facebook, so I figured may as well put them on here..

These are some examples of the scarves.
They are all crocheted by me personally.
Each one's stitch will very.
Some of them are infinity scarves.
I can always customize them for you.


my etsy store - https://www.etsy.com/people/melanie71191?ref=hdr_user_menu

My Grammy

How I miss you. 

I get so angry, you being gone, thinking how horrible it is that I don't have you anymore. 

But thing is there are so many people who have such a crappy relationship (if you can even call it that) with their grandparents, and that's horrible. 

And it's them I pity. Not me, because my grandma got to be my best friend. 

Someone I told everything to. Someone who I knew would always be there for me and always tell me when I was wrong and always be a light in the darkest of times. 

So while I sit here time and time again thinking how broken I am with out you, I know you were someone who gave me all the pieces I feel I've lost and I know how unimaginably lucky I was. 

How I can't wait to see you again.

FALL

YAY! 

Autumn is officially here and I am over the moon excited about it. 

Thing is most things cost money so that's a bit of a let down. 

But I did manage to buy this cute thing for my kitten..insert picture here

is this not the CUTEST DAMN cat you have ever seen?!

Well at least my cat is ready for halloween. 

I am going to be doing tons of "fall-ish" things this October, so it's time to get excited about that! 

My boyfriend and I are going to be making different treats as well so we'll see how that goes haha

I can not believe it is already the 5th of October.

Where did the time go?!?!

life is a mess...

..."Money Can't Buy Happiness"..
Well these people obviously have never had to deal with bills.
Have never had to wonder if they'd make enough to pay the car note.
Have never had to stay awake all night wondering if they'd be able to afford to buy groceries.
Have never had to think to themselves, "I am never going to be able to find my dream and go after it, because I literally have NO MONEY to keep me going while I try to 'find myself'"

I am at a stand still.
Life seems to be getting worse and worse.

I try to think of the positives but that's really hard when you're barely keeping your head above water.

I recently got a kitten, well in June, and he is the cutest thing in the world, and I feel like I don't spend any time with him, because even when I am here, am I really?
The answer is no.
I am just aimlessly wandering through life.

I wish I had time to sit and to write the novel I always wanted to write but my mind is a complete and utter blank, taken over wholey by stress.

It keeps me up at night, makes me feel sick to my stomach, makes me feel nauseous, dizzy, and I can't afford to go see my therapist because did I mention I have no money?
It is a never ending battle with no light at the end.

I have no college degree because I felt so lost I didn't know what I wanted to do, and I was never very good at blindly going through life, so I took off semester after semester, hoping I'd find something in myself, hoping I'd find an answer, but obviously I'm still asking the question, and I'm still EXACTLY where I started.

I would apologize for this being a rant, but that is pointless to do because this post was intended to be a rant, it is intended to help whomever is struggling with the same thing.

Lara, how are you helping if you're literally saying you can't help yourself?
Good Question.
I'm helping in that I am telling you, no one is alone.
We can share in this crappy thing called life, together.

Here's hoping everyone is having a better day than say I.