life is a mess...

..."Money Can't Buy Happiness"..
Well these people obviously have never had to deal with bills.
Have never had to wonder if they'd make enough to pay the car note.
Have never had to stay awake all night wondering if they'd be able to afford to buy groceries.
Have never had to think to themselves, "I am never going to be able to find my dream and go after it, because I literally have NO MONEY to keep me going while I try to 'find myself'"

I am at a stand still.
Life seems to be getting worse and worse.

I try to think of the positives but that's really hard when you're barely keeping your head above water.

I recently got a kitten, well in June, and he is the cutest thing in the world, and I feel like I don't spend any time with him, because even when I am here, am I really?
The answer is no.
I am just aimlessly wandering through life.

I wish I had time to sit and to write the novel I always wanted to write but my mind is a complete and utter blank, taken over wholey by stress.

It keeps me up at night, makes me feel sick to my stomach, makes me feel nauseous, dizzy, and I can't afford to go see my therapist because did I mention I have no money?
It is a never ending battle with no light at the end.

I have no college degree because I felt so lost I didn't know what I wanted to do, and I was never very good at blindly going through life, so I took off semester after semester, hoping I'd find something in myself, hoping I'd find an answer, but obviously I'm still asking the question, and I'm still EXACTLY where I started.

I would apologize for this being a rant, but that is pointless to do because this post was intended to be a rant, it is intended to help whomever is struggling with the same thing.

Lara, how are you helping if you're literally saying you can't help yourself?
Good Question.
I'm helping in that I am telling you, no one is alone.
We can share in this crappy thing called life, together.

Here's hoping everyone is having a better day than say I.

Connect the dots...on my face.

SKIN.
I feel I am quite the expert on this topic. I have been dealing with "skin issues" since I was in 8th grade. Seeing as I am now 25, that's a heck of a long time.
I say skin issues instead of acne because it didn't start out that way.
Now it's been over a decade since these problems started so I can't remember every detail, but I'll try my best.
From what I do remember, there were extremes. Extreme dryness to the point where I would cry from wanting to tare the skin from my face, dryness that made me question whether or not I was part reptile, dryness that made facial expression painful. This time of my life was also equipped with spells of oil. The kind of oily that no matter how many oil sheets I used you could still fry an egg on my face in the sun, kind of oily.
I tried everything you could think of at the drugstore and I may as well just have lit my cash on fire because nothing worked.
I can remember this being the time I started using makeup to cover what I believed at that time was horrible skin (this would be a good time to take a break and cry over that last statement because let me tell you, it just kept going up from there).
The split personality/hormonal bitch that was my skin continued for the next two years. Which leads me to Junior year of High School where the universe decided, "You know, I just don't think I've given her enough to deal with" and with that I gained what must have been 30 pounds and my face transformed into something out of a proactive ad (That's if they actually used people with acne and not models with perfect airbrushed skin).
I'm not going to lie and say I worked out and ate healthy, because I was a teenager and I live in America. However my lifestyle didn't change from what it was the last 5 years of my life and wouldn't change for the next 5. Yet somehow Junior year was the year my body rebelled; and I've got the pictures to prove it.
By Senior year I had lost the weight and my skin had begun to clear considerably. I know what everyone's thinking so I'll save you the trouble of asking, I did miss my acne, we had been through some great times together and it was hard to watch it go so suddenly, but lucky for me I'm left with about 50 scars as a constant memory, a token if you will.
The point of my life I am at now is the same as it has been since Senior year, majority of my skin is scaring, however there is also the never ending reoccurring acne that just keeps stopping by unannounced and uninvited. I probably get a new guest EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. And the second I notice one is missing I find, that isn't true, he's just relocated somewhere else.
Let us go over the treatment methods I've tried shall we?
First off I have tried everything there is..basically.

• Acne.org
• Acne free
• Murad 
• Clean and Clear 
• Biore 
• Oxy Skin Care
• Mario Badescu 
• Neutrogena
• Clinique 3 Step System
• Alba Botanica
• Cerave
• Olay
• Aveeno
• St. Ives
• Simple

I'm not kidding when I say NONE of these worked. I will say some worked less than others.

I have been to a total of 5 dermatologists who do nothing but push medication at you and I have tried most of them, except for Accutane because of two reasons, it works by shutting off oil glands and I don't know how many times I will have to explain this, because every doctor refuses to believe it, It just CAN'T be POSSIBLE there eyes seem to say. But I swear on every star in the sky my skin for the past 6 years is as dry as the Sahara Desert. But this goes against logic that I have acne and dry skin so I must be lying, anyway... second reason is I suffer from depression and this medication causes depression and can lead to suicide so um yea, no thank you. But you know it's weird I say these things and yet Accutane was still a reoccurring topic of discussion, because of this it's been over a year since I seen one of "those doctors". 

During my visits I did try things don't get me wrong, this including topical and oral medications. And guess what?! None of them worked. No reaction at all! Oh wait, that's a lie, I had an allergic reaction to Doxycycline which made me look like a beached whale. Awesome. 

I tried giving up common food allergies such as Gluten and Dairy, neither helped my skin. 

I tried eating nothing but fruit and vegetables and maybe this would have worked except I only lasted a week before I felt constantly faint and overwhelmed with everything. 

I could go into more detail about what I ate and how much but people who live by that diet will surely tell me all the things I did wrong without me having to say more than that one run on sentence, so I'll save myself the hassle. 

I am currently trying my best to drink an excessive amount of water so there's that.

Well point is I said enough is enough and took the red eye to California to meet up with one of the worlds best plastic surgeons so I could have facial reconstruction surgery. All was going well till her told me the price, so I hauled my ass back onto the plane and came home, having to think of something else.

In all seriousness I decided to see a naturopath doctor. 

I seen her for the first time two weeks ago and see her again two weeks from now. She has put me on a bunch of vitamins and I'm going to keep everyone posted on all the goings on of my face and if things get better or worse, what things have helped and so on. I think I'll make this a weekly thing. 

<3

depressing depression

Well What Do You Know...

I let an excessive amount of time go by before I wrote. 

Which Brings me to the topic of this blog post..

DEPRESSION.

Such a beautiful topic. So uplifting. So inspiring. 

Honestly I am a huge J.K. Rowling fan, (you're thinking what the f*ck does that have to do with anything Lara?! Well hold on to your panties there, I'm going to tell you) She often speaks about her depression and how it took getting to rock bottom for her to be able to build herself back up. Not only this incredible woman, but many others (men included) often say the same..."it wasn't until I was at my breaking point that I got better" or "It took everything falling apart for me to put everything back together" or "I didn't start my life till I realized I had no life" Or..Or..Or..basically anything and I gotta say I am incredibly happy for these people, honest to God I am over the moon thrilled for those people! However I have to say that hearing about that makes me slip even further into the hole I have so busily created for myself. Hearing people say that they were able to get themselves out of that hole all on their own makes the bottom of my hole turn into quick sand (and yes, that is the best example I can think of at this moment in time). I just can't fathom how this doesn't work for me, how I can not be one of "those". And so I just sit and think about how I am not getting better or I don't think at all. 

I feel this may be a good time to turn my blog into somewhat of a community of people talking about their struggles with this because there is so much that people don't understand or refuse to believe. 

We all know that the world is becoming much more "accepting" of mental disorders, I use the word accepting very loosely because I don't think the world is accepting of it at all. The better word to use would be "aware" but even that word only works to an extent. If you don't know what I mean by this I mean that almost everyone knows what depression is. But the truth of the matter is, most of those people haven't a clue. They have an idea of what it is, which probably revolves around someone being very sad. Or not wanting to do things anymore, or gaining weight. While all these things are very much a reality of the disease, it is by no means all of it. Let me give you an example, I have been at my current job for over a year and I have learned what the average person might have learned in 3 months. This is because my attention skills aren't there. AT ALL. For the past year my anxiety level has been so high that I honestly feel I have no control over my life. Additionally, I have depression. If you yourself suffer from depression you I am sure are aware, maybe even personally, that depression can come in waves. I don't mean in the sense of Bipolar depression (which if you didn't know is when a person experiences levels of extreme high and lows, lows meaning horrible depression, highs meaning incredible happiness) I do not personally have Bipolar depression so I can not give you straight up facts about the disease, other than this is something numerous people I know who have been diagnosed with Bipolar have told me they experience. I also know that there are two kinds of Bipolar but am not entirely informed about which is which so I'm not going to start making guesses. Point of that separate tangent, was to make you aware of what I meant when I said depression comes in waves, which brings me back to what I was originally stating..in that depression can be much worse certain days than it is others. For me, it will never go away. Even on days when I am laughing so hard I can't breath or have just spent a whole day with a friend or shit even when I'm on vacation, it doesn't matter. It is still there. It is still this grey ora around everything and everyone around all my thoughts, all my feelings and it will. not. leave. That being said there are days when it is much much worse. Days where I feel like an empty shell. Days where the only thing keeping me from ending everything is knowing, "this day will pass" and I do the only thing I can think of doing which is sleep. I sleep way too often to rid myself of way too many hours of emptiness that I simply can not deal with. 

When I say people are not accepting I mean most people reading this without depression and even a good amount of people with it will be thinking "Well she isn't trying hard enough or She doesn't want it enough. She should be on medication, She should talk to someone" And on and on..Well guess what, I am trying, I do want it enough, I am on medication and I have a therapist. And it simply isn't enough. This will be hard for a lot of people to understand and even more so with people who are also suffering because those certain people with depression who can't understand are doing better, with the aid of one or a combination of the things mentioned. But as I just stated for some not even all these things combined do a damn fucking thing. This is hard to understand, I get that because it's hard for me to understand and I've been dealing with it for years. 

I am suicidal I think about dying all the time. I think things would be a lot better if I were't here, not only for myself but for everyone who knows me. That being said, I genuinely believe I will not end my life, and everyone reading this in a similar situation shouldn't either. I am not going to sit here and type out a lie about how I know things will get better. I do know for some of you though, you've got a decent shot. SO MANY people with Depression have gotten rid of there depression or significantly reduced it with help, and there is a damn good shot you will too. However I also know there are a select few like me out there who may never get better (I'm not saying I know I never will, I'm still relatively young and hold onto the hope that I will overcome this) or will, from a positive standpoint, just have to deal with this for a number of years. To those people I say, there may never be a day where the emptiness is completely gone, however there will be plenty of days where you will be happy, and even though the emptiness may still be there hovering, the happiness and joy you experience in your life makes it more than worth it. So I say keep on pushing on. 

To anyone who needs to talk and is too afraid to speak out on their own, just message me I am a great listener and more than willing to read whatever it is you want to share. And even if it feels like no one cares, I'm telling you truthfully, I may have never seen your face or heard your voice. I may know absolutely nothing about you, but it doesn't matter because I love you. It doesn't matter all the reasons you have listed in your head as to why you're unlovable or shouldn't be loved. I love you. Because I genuinely believe every person in the world and every person reading this is a good person. 

<3

long time no see

There comes a time in everyones life I suppose where things begin to get out of control. Where you no longer feel you have a grasp on anything that is happening, when things don't feel real anymore because they could't possibly be this horrible! 

That's where I'm at right now, it has been a whirlwind the last seven months, none of which I feel I can discuss for reasons I also can not explain. 

Unfortunately this has put a hold on all other aspects of my life, as to be expected. 

17 people's best 2017 moments

Well it's that time again, a new year new me bullshit. Well I think we can all agree nothing can get much worse than 2016. And in order to provide proof of that statement, I've asked 17 people what their favorite part of this year, yes the whole two weeks of it, has been..you're welcome.

1. Kelly- So far for 2017 I can say that the best thing this year has to be that I received good news about my health. Being a two time cancer survivor I was worried when they told me something came up in my chest on an x-ray. Turns out it's just scar tissue. Thank God.

2. Janet- That grammy is so excited about her 90th birthday party.

3. Kara- Probably today. I left work early without any guilt of not being there. And I wasn't worried about losing money. I got a good lunch, went home to my nephews. Binge watched this new show i'm into and after dinner my nephews came back and we're sitting on the couch watching BFG. 

4. Rob- I got to see my best friends sister, who is also a great friend, get married to a great guy who I also served with.

5. Eva- Well nothing too crazy yet but I went to go see LaLa Land with my friends and I loved it. I'm usually not into stuff like that, but I thought it was great.

6. Brittney- So far I think my resolutions have helped. So my best thing is I can finally *drum roll please* go into a store alone. My first time was New Year's Eve. YAY! I'm super proud of myself to say I can do it alone so I never have to lean on people.

7. Lauren "lala"- The best day this year was probably this Tuesday. Nothing special happened it was still school, but it was probably the most I've ever laughed. Gym was so fun and we won in floor hockey. In biology we had a quiz that I did better on. Algebra was nothing special but Spanish was very fun. My friend and I kick each other's desks and I had the hiccups the whole class, which made people laugh as well as myself. During lunch two friends and I went to the bathroom during passing period. When we were walking back to class my one friend dragged her purse on the ground as if she was walking a dog and my other friend would bark while going along. It sounds stupid to say we enjoyed weird looks but we did. It was so funny and we all laughed until our stomachs hurt.

8. Chris- Compared to 2016, almost anything semi-good can happen and it'll be better. Like for instance, on New Year's Day, I got a fun sized starburst with two pink ones and already I knew that 2017 was better. I'd have to say the best part of 2017 so far is reuniting with old friends and the optimism of knowing that 2017 is going to be a year (for me personally) of starting off new and leaving people who don't belong in my life in 2016 where they belong.

9. Ashley- All the good vibes for a beautiful future!

10. Melissa- My apartment!

11. Nicole- Going to Mexico!

12. Matt- I got a phone call earlier today telling me I passed the test I had to take.

13. Lauren Rose- I signed up for weight watchers and I actually went out on New Years Eve instead of staying in.

14. Brittany- So far it would be becoming a worship leader with my boyfriend for our Church, and being able to do music again. Also deciding to be baptized on the 22nd.

15. Amy- My best is yet to come with a trip to Costa Rica starting Friday of next week!

16. Nikkole- I found out my friend is getting married and my other friend is buying her first house idk if that counts. I am also going back to school :)

17. Agnes- Well I think my favorite part of the year so far is today Evie had her first voluntary smile and it melted my heart :) She's 5 weeks old today!

lost

Being lost in your mind is an entirely different thing than being lost on the road. On the road you can

pay attention to things like street signs and landmarks, or if you're really in a pickle you can rely on

that creepy guy at the gas station to give you directions.


The mind is completely different. Your mind is that 12 foot tall bush maze from the shinning. Scary

shit, and I'm not talking about the twins. You're in a race from everything, from all the stress at home,

at work, with school, with friends and let's not forget from that crazy mother fucker with the axe.


It's hard to sit and relax when it's below zero in northern Oregon, Okay enough Steven King

references, point is you need you time. You can't keep traveling if you don't know where you're going

and there's only so many times you can visit that creepy man at the gas station.


I think everyone needs to focus on one thing a day and also set a weekly goal, that way they aren't

overwhelmed by the road map.


So let's say for examples sake you decide everyday "I am going to read a chapter in "said book"" and

for your weekly goal it would be to have read 7 chapters by Sunday, or for you wild risk takers, 8

chapters by Sunday because you don't live by the rules and fuck math.


Point is you can do it, I believe in you.

run run as fast as you can.

My room is like a metaphor for my life, messy unorganized and destroyed. It goes further than that, I am so anal about having everything be in a specific place that most things I just leave on the floor of on my bed scattered because that's better than putting it in a place it doesn't belong; and since it doesn't belong anywhere, on the floor it goes. 

I do nothing but work and when I'm not working I'm at the doctors. It never really ends and i'm not so sure what to do about it. 

I know I should try to take on small tasks at a time but still that doesn't seem to work either. 

It's hard to explain depression to people who don't have it but it is an endless emptiness that can not be explained. I want to make myself feel better I want to do things I think will make me happy, including hanging out with people or writing on this blog, but honestly it's difficult, everything seems difficult, even if to others it isn't, it is to me, everything is difficult. Writing this sentence is difficult. 

They give you medicine saying "here this will help" but when it doesn't you feel hopeless and empty because this was supposed to work, THIS was supposed to help! 

I feel like I'm running as fast as I can, but it doesn't really matter because I have nowhere to go and no destination in mind. 

This is a very depressing post but I am sure other people feel this way in their every day life as well and like they can't can't to anyone.