Mind Fog

Mind Fog.

This may be confusing to understand if you yourself don't suffer frog mind fog, because it is quite difficult to understand. 

I myself suffer horribly from this, whatever it may be and I can't exactly put it into words for my doctor because I truly do not understand it myself. 

I was prescribed adderall after convincing my doctor I needed it. She kept trying to tell me I probably didn't need it and that I wasn't exactly qualified but I insured her that something was just not right. 

I have trouble concentrating on ANYTHING even things I enjoy doing, which makes life very confusing because if you no longer can keep focus on things you "enjoy" do you really enjoy them? 

A good portion of this probably has to do with my depression because I can't seem to find joy in anything and it's hard to get yourself out of that. People say "do something you like to do" Well Debra I CAN'T because my attention span is roughly 20 seconds of focus at a time. 

I also suffer from horrible depersonalization, which if you don't know what that is, the easiest way to describe it is being trapped in your own body. 

You can't really feel anything, you don't have any connection to anyone and you truly don't care, because this isn't real anyway. You are in a movie and everyone is acting and you can't let them know that you know it's all a script so you just do what you "know" is the right thing to do in the moment. If everyone is laughing over a joke, you join in, if people are crying over a tragedy you cry too, and so on and so forth and this makes the whole ordeal a lot worse. 

and this is the reason I need Adderall. Thing is though, I am horrible at taking my pills. That sounds like such a lame ass excuse but truth is it isn't. 

You see without it I don't seem to care about anything and my memory is non existent so when I ran out I kept forgetting to get them refilled and now I'm at the point where I don't know if I can get them because I can't exactly afford to go to the doctor right now. 

I am hoping there is someone reading this that knows what I'm talking about.

After taking it the relief was almost immediate.

I could remember things, I was focused I was happy. It made everything easier, life was easier. 

That isn't to say it didn't come with side effects, like debilitating headaches or feelings like I was going to jump out of my skin, but I don't know maybe those things are worth feeling?

life hacks

I have absolutely horrible anxiety. 

So much so in fact I have chosen to write this post in the smallest possible font. How do these two correlate you wonder?

I am sitting in the library and there is one section with 6 rectangular tables, 2 rows of three. 

And I was sitting here all by myself until someone comes up and decides of ALL the fucking places to sit, he's going to do it right behind me.

I am having a constant feeling of being watched, that he is looking at what I'm typing and what I'm doing and chances are I could be imagining it, but you know how you know someone is watching you and you turn and see they are because your instincts are never wrong? Same thing happening here. 

Whenever people get too close to me when there are so many other places for them to sit my anxiety reaches an all time high, and so does my anger. 

It's like when you're at the movie theater and there is basically no one there and you and your friend think, oh this will be nice. Till one middle aged moron comes up and picks the seat right next to you. I don't get it, why would they want to be that close to someone they don't even know?

Lately I've been having horrible anxiety and I feel as if I've fallen down a hole and every time I try to claw my way out, because no, there isn't a rope, I just end up pulling more dirt over my face. 

I wish I could relax, but that's kind of difficult when you don't have a job and have to go into hiding during the hours you should be at work. 

I feel overwhelmed approximately 200% of the time. 

I wish I could see my therapist to talk to someone so I don't complete lose my mind but I don't have any money and she isn't covered by insurance, which I was living without up until 3 days ago. This has been the worst year and a half of my entire fucking life and of course that's the time I can't see my doctor. 

When it rains, it fucking pours. That's all I'm saying. 

I try to be funny about the whole thing, try to find humor in my misery. Is there such a thing? All the comedians say so. 

I have been trying really hard to get my etsy shop running, but apparently people don't want to buy a semi decently made scarf from a girl on the outskirts of the chi when they could just order one from amazon. 

I'm about to throw down some life hacks you guys so you can live the best wonderfully shitty life you never thought possible. 

number 1. 

Anytime Shit is Getting Too Hard to handle, don't.

I am talking fully blown out DENIAL people! 

Got laundry to fold? Dishes to put away? So do I. And I say Fuck it and you should too. 

Go put on pajama pants sit your ass down and turn on netflix. Because chances are whether you did those things or not, it will still be there tomorrow. Meaning even if you put that china in the cabinet and the undies in the drawer, there will be new dishes and new laundry to be put away tomorrow! Why overwhelm yourself when you could be nothing instead? Isn't that better?

number 2. 

Marry Rich. 

Now this one's my favorite because you can just put down all the life goals you ever had for yourself!

Why worry about what school you're going to get into when you could be worrying about yacht you could by?

Speaking of yacht, that brings me to my third life hack.

number 3.

Buy a Fucking Island, because people are fucking annoying. 

What better way to say fuck off to that great aunt who always comments about your life "oh darling when are you going to find a career?" than to completely remove her from your life, by buying an island and not telling anyone. You don't have to worry about anything on this island! Not work, Not school, and certainly not Clothes.

I hope this post makes everyone reading feel better about their life than I do about mine. 

Hurrah 

Good Day.